AJ needed to leave. She moved away from the alley as quickly as she could, and eventually wilted against the brick building. Her heart was pounding and she felt like she was on the edge of a panic attack. She desperately tried to recenter herself.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
She was a fool. Actually, she was worse than a fool; she was a coward. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing, but could only picture Vanessa. The wounded expression she had worn while kneeling beside her, the heat of her beautiful face against her hands, and the tears leaking from her expressive green eyes. It was more than AJ could bear.
To have someone as beautiful and charming as Vanessa ask to run off together… she didn’t think it was possible. AJ had been completely shocked by the proposition. She knew that discontinuing her trips to the brothel might sting Vanessa for a bit, but stopping their rendezvous had been necessary. AJ had revealed too much of herself and her feelings, and she could tell Vanessa was getting attached. She supposed Vanessa fancied her, but loved her? Vanessa was perfect. The idea that she could love her in return had seemed ludicrous.
Her redheaded companion was intelligent, stunning, and funny. AJ had been sure Vanessa would forget about her in no time, but instead Vanessa had cared enough to track her down and spoken to her in a way that few people dared to.
AJ took a few more shuddering breaths. Her lungs were stinging. The air was cold and humid, as if rain was expected. How fitting, she thought to herself.
She needed to return home and clear her mind. She walked towards the library. She would grab her purse and coat, then let her manager know she was taking a sick day. Once she got home, she could take a nice long nap and drown her feelings in vanilla ice cream and gin.
To AJ’s immense annoyance, Arthur was still waiting for her by the reference desk.
“Took you long enough. What was that about?” he asked, sounding extremely put out. He perked up when he noticed her red rimmed eyes and splotchy face. “Have you been crying? What did that woman say to you?”
“I’m just not feeling well, Arthur. It was probably something I ate earlier. I need to go home and lay down for a bit.”
He nodded. “That’s a great idea, muffin. Rest is always important. I can reschedule our reservation.” He was smiling, but he couldn’t cover up all the annoyance in his voice.
Of course he would say he agreed with her. Arthur would be a millionaire if he could get AJ down the aisle. Arthur offered her a ride back to the mansion, but AJ insisted on taking a cab home. “I need to be alone for a bit,” she had said.
After paying her taxi fare, AJ took a few minutes to stand outside the regal manor she had grown up in. She had lived on this enormous estate her entire life. The only time she’d left home was when she had been shipped off to a boarding school for three years. That’s when she learned that life at the manor was comfortable, but conditional.
She sighed heavily as she pulled on the large brass knocker. “Papa, mother, I’m home early,” she called out. To her surprise, her mother was already by the door, eyeing her shrewdly. Her arms were crossed in displeasure, and she had a cigarette hanging from her mouth. It was a red flag, the woman only smoked when irritated.
“Hello, Angela. We’ve been expecting you.” She moved to dampen the cigarette on an ivory ashtray. “Arthur just phoned. He said you were acting strangely when he met you for lunch today. He said that you canceled your date.”
She shouldn’t be surprised that Arthur had called her parents. They were always in cahoots with each other. At this point he felt more like a spy than her fiancé.
“Yes, well, I’m feeling under the weather.” She added a cough to drive home her point, but it was utterly unconvincing.
Without missing a beat, her mother rolled her eyes. “Really dear, don’t act like this isn’t an excuse to miss your father’s work banquet tonight.”
“Oh, I had forgotten about that,” she answered honestly. AJ had more important things on her mind, like how she had cruelly rejected the only person she had ever loved. Her insides felt like lead. She couldn’t be forced to smile and dance and socialize like a well trained monkey. Not tonight, not after everything that had happened. “I’m not sure if I’m really fit to go. I don’t think I’d be good company for anyone.”
“I’m sorry to hear that but you're going anyway. We spent a fortune on your gown for the event.” Her mother sighed dramatically. “Imagine how lovely it could have looked if you’d lost some weight.”
AJ self consciously wrapped her arms around her soft middle, but her face remained neutral. She was used to the jabs by now, but she’d grown spoiled under Vanessa’s gaze. Vanessa had thought she was beautiful. Vanessa was hungry for her body, to the point where she had practically worshiped it. AJ shook her head at the memories of Vanessa sucking on her dimpled thighs and running that wicked tongue over her stretch marks. Stunning, she had said sincerely, you’re absolutely stunning. There was no point in reminiscing. Vanessa probably hated her now.
AJ knew that arguing with her mother would be pointless. Resigned, she trudged towards her bedroom, undressed, and began showering.
She lathered with soap as the scalding water poured over her. She closed her eyes at the sensation and allowed herself to pretend it was a pair of slender, elegant hands running over her body. She harshly pinched one of her nipples between her thumb and forefinger. Are you going to be good for me? she could hear a sultry voice whispering in her ear. Yes, AJ had always answered. She never wanted to disappoint her lover. The spell was broken when she heard a sharp rapping on the bathroom door.
“Hurry up in there! We’re going to be late if you don’t start dressing soon!” Reluctantly, AJ left the warmth of her shower and moved back to her bedroom where she shivered in the cold air.
The family tailor had crafted a truly beautiful dress. The deep gold of the fabric brought out the azure of AJ’s eyes, and the contrasting whiteness of her hair. It dipped low enough to show her collarbones and shoulders, while also revealing a hint of cleavage, but flowed down to leave only her ankles exposed. The dress tightened into a bow at her waste, which accentuated her hourglass figure. She felt absolutely alluring.
She adorned her body with a gold ring on her pinky, and diamonds that dripped from her ears and around her neck. She grimaced as she stared at the stone on her left hand. Out of all her jewelry, it was the piece people complimented the most. To AJ, it represented her shiny, gilded cage.
She liberally spread cool cream over her face in an attempt to reduce the puffiness around her eyes. Once she was sure her tear ducts were dry, she called in a maid to apply her makeup and put her hair in hot rollers.
When everything was finished, she stared pensively at her reflection in the mirror. AJ couldn’t help but compare her look to that of a Disney princess. She wished Vanessa were here to see her. She could only imagine the lavish praise she’d be receiving.
She squared her shoulders and let out a deep breath. She needed to mentally prepare for the evening ahead. She would attend the banquet. She would rub elbows with her parents' elitist friends. She would smile and laugh and compliment them as they made backhanded comments about her having a job, going to university, trying to pursue something for herself. She could hold it together for one night. She was sure she would be just fine.
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