"I think you know the basic ones. No talk of weight, calories, diet, etc. We also want you rolling up your sleeves and tying your hair back so you can't pull any tricks on us. I know it seems ridiculous, but we’ve seen it all. And if you still think you can hide food, we will also be checking your pockets and stuff after meals until we deem you trustworthy. Got it?"

I nodded once more. Sheryl continued going on about more rules, and how the day would go while I was there. Everything seemed reasonable. No exercising, bathroom doors were locked an hour after meals, and certain objects were not permitted. It was the rules I expected. She talked about being 1:1 or even 2:1. Basically if I misbehaved, I would have the chance of being strictly watched by someone. If I really decided to lash out, it would be two people. And then last but not least, feeding tubes. The part I dreaded learning about most. Sheryl explained that if I refused to eat, then I would be given an Ensure to make up for the calories. However, if I refused that as well, the calories would go through a tube up my nose. I hoped I could manage to not refuse my meals, because drinking liquid calories was a HUGE no. And I most definitely did not want a tube shoved up my nose.

It took a while, but Sheryl finally finished explaining the rules. I agreed to follow them to the best of my capabilities, and put effort into recovery. After Sheryl explained everything, Dad had to leave. He gave me a hug and wished me luck, and then went on his way. Sheryl explained my schedule for the door, which consisted of tests, therapy, and starting to do 3 meals and 3 snacks. Sheryl brought me over to the office where they got tests done. I was greeted by a nurse who was doing all the tests, which, there were a LOT of tests. That in itself took approximately 2 hours. By the time it was done, it was lunchtime. I had already missed both breakfast and snack today. I had been too stressed for breakfast, and was too busy doing tests for a snack.

Since it was my first meal in outpatient, Sheryl was kind enough to sit with me through it. That woman was invested in what she did, that was for sure. There was a big room where everyone ate. It was almost like a small dining room. Once again, it stunned me at how homey this place was.

I got to the table a couple minutes after everyone else did, so I was the last one there. Everyone was already sitting there with their plates of food, some looking anxious, others looking excited. Everyone looked my way, wondering who I was. Some whispered that they believed I was a newbie, which was true obviously.

They’re aren’t talking about you being a newbie. They’re talking about how fat you are. You shouldn’t be here, and they know it.

Diana, please, just shut it. I’m already nervous.

I’m telling you the truth. I’m not going to lie straight to your face like these nurses and Sheryl will. They’ll all tell you you’re in serious condition when you’re not even sick!!

"Everyone, this is Diane!" Sheryl introduced me to everyone, and interrupted my inner conversation with Diana. "She's going to be spending some time with us for a while."

Sheryl wheeled me over to the table, and had all the other patients introduce themselves. There was only a small group of patients there, so it wasn't too hard to remember who was who. Even with my shitty memory.

"Ok, so, since you don't have a plan yet, is it ok if I go and pick out what I think will work for you?" Sheryl asked me. "Or do you want to pick what you want?"

Get your own damnit! Don’t just give them all the control!!!

"Um…" I really wanted to decide for myself, but I knew that probably wasn't a good idea. Especially with how upset I still was by this morning. "...You can decide. I shouldn't be trusted."

"Aw, don't be hard on yourself." Sheryl said. "I'll be right back, ok?"

I nodded. Sheryl left the table to get my lunch as I looked around. There were several nurses around the table keeping an eye on all of us. Everyone seemed to have such big meals that it scared me.

See? SEE?! They’re going to make you eat THAT much!!! Why the fuck did you let Sheryl pick your godamn meal?!!

Well… I mean, I do have to put on weight. I guess the faster I do it, the faster I get out of here?

Ha! They’ll keep you here until you’re obese! Look at the others! You’ll be their size by next week!

Everyone seemed to be either normal weight, or slightly under. There were two people who were overweight, but that was it. Deep down, I knew that weight had nothing to do with the severity of an eating disorder, but Diana was making it hard to believe. I didn’t want to be that person who judged people for their weight, but I couldn’t help but to feel disgusted by higher weights. I couldn’t help it. Diana’s disgust rubbed off onto me. It took me a second to clue in that I was by far the smallest. I had thought for sure that there would be people smaller than me. But, nobody looked nearly as bad as I did.

Sheryl returned to the table within a couple minutes, and placed a small plate of food in front of me. Surprisingly, it looked reasonable. There was a small cucumber sandwich and some almonds. I wasn't too cool with the almonds, but I knew it was the protein source, so I sucked it up and ate what I could. Meals seemed to work in a way that you had to get a certain amount of dairy, protein, or other sources. In the end I would have to have a certain amount of them by the end of the day. It was a bit confusing, but it did give me some options for meals when Sheryl and I were working through the meal plan. The only issue with this whole setup was that I hated eating in front of other people. It made me feel judged.

You can tell they’re all looking at you, wondering why the hell you’re even here.

I stared at my meal before Sheryl reminded me there was a time limit on meals. Worried I’d have to drink an Ensure to make up for not finishing, I got to it. I managed to eat ¾ of the sandwich, and most of the almonds. I looked at Sheryl as a way to say I was done. She gave me a look back.

"C'mon, you only got a bit to go." She said. "You're almost done. Keep going."

I groaned. I was hoping she would let me get away with not finishing since it was my first day, but I guess not. "I'm full…"

"Well, it's either you finish this, or you have an Ensure to make up for it."

I groaned again, then went back to eating. Drinking calories was worse than eating past being full. And I wasn't about to make a scene in front of everyone. Most of them were just finishing up, and I felt like their attention was going towards me. I didn't want to be the center of attention.

They’re all watching you!! Stop eating for cripes sake!! You don't want to be seen as a pig do you?!

Finally, I forced the rest of my meal down. Sheryl gave me a pat on the back for doing well, but all I cared about was getting rid of the bloated and full feeling. I wasn’t used to eating so much, and good lord did it ever make me feel awful.

Purge. You know how to get rid of it. Don't just sit there and let them stuff food into you!

I did my best to ignore Diana. I was doing this because I wanted to recover. Not get worse. I just told myself over and over that I needed to eat, and that I needed to put on some weight. Even I didn’t want to be at the low weight I was at.

Sheryl brought me back to her office once the test results were in. Surprisingly, it only took an hour to get results. Apparently, they didn't look too good, which Sheryl was extremely worried about. It made things really difficult making a meal plan, but eventually we did it. She was focused on me getting in nutrients that I guess I desperately needed. That didn’t give me too many choices when it came to picking options for each group of food. In the end, itt was a very high calorie plan, which scared the living shit out of me, but Sheryl promised I'd ease into it. She didn’t want to risk refeeding syndrome anyways.

After all the tests, and plan making, the rest of the day was a bit more chill. I really only had time for therapy, a nap, a snack, and supper. Therapy was a complete disaster. I got to meet the therapist, Justine, which she seemed really nice. She didn't want to go right into the deep stuff right away, so instead she wanted to work on some exercises that could help calm me down. I was ok with that, because in all honesty, I needed that.

Justine had me sit back in the wheelchair and close my eyes. With a calm voice she had me take deep breaths and picture something that made me happy.

"What makes you happy?" She asked.

I had a really hard time answering that. I couldn't seem to think of anything. Anything I did lately made me more tired. I didn't really enjoy much anymore.

"It could be anything." Justine said. "Maybe something from childhood?"

The first thing I thought of was family time when mum was around. It was always so fun and positive. Thinking about it put a smile on my face.

"Oh, I can tell you got something. You wanna tell me what it is?"

"Family time when mum was still alive." I responded with a smile. "They were really good times."

"Sounds like it!" Justine said. "So, picture that whilst focusing on your breathing. Let the negative thoughts and stress leave you."

I pictured game night with the whole family. Jack always lost the game by far. I, however, always won. There wasn't a card or board game I couldn't win. The only person who could beat me was mum. Even that was rare. My mind then drifted off to when I was learning guitar. Mum knew guitar, and from a young age I wanted to learn. She was laughing at how I could only play an E minor chord, and struggled to play any other chords. I felt like I was living the whole scenario again. Like I wasn't in my body anymore. Suddenly, I felt something touch my arm, and it all came crashing down. Hard.

I opened my eyes. I had completely sunk back in the wheelchair, and my breathing was heavy. I was sweating ridiculously bad, and first the first time in a bit, felt like I was overheating instead of freezing.

"You dissociated." Justine said. I looked down at my arm. She was the one who had touched me and snapped me out of it. I took a deep breath to try and calm my breathing down. Damn it. Why did stuff like this keep happening to me??

"S-sorry." I muttered.

"It's ok." Justine sighed. "I think we should wrap it up for today. I don't want you dissociating again."

I nodded. I didn't want to dissociate again. Justine wheeled me out of her office and over to the hangout area. I had some free time before dinner, so I was allowed to just hangout with the others. Lucky for me, three others were there to talk to. Two girls, and one guy. If I had remembered the names right, the one with big puffy blond hair was Sarah, the one with short dark brown hair was Jenae, and the guy was Ben.

"Hey." I said. Believe it or not, I was a very social human. Getting to know others never scared me.

"Oh, hey!" The girl named Sarah said. "Diane, right?"

I nodded. "And you're Sarah? Did I get that right?"

"Yep!" Sarah said. "And these two here are Jenae and Ben."

Jenae was reading a book whilst Ben was trying to pester her. Both of them looked up at the mention of their name, and then smiled.

"So!" Ben said. "What are you?"

"Definitely Anorexic." Sarah said. "I'd be surprised if she wasn't."

"Um, yea?" I said, a bit confused. "How'd you know?"

Sarah looked surprised. "Kinda obvious. You are the smallest one here. Most bulimics don't come in your size."

Jenae agreed with Sarah. "Yea, most people your size go to inpatient. Anyone who does come here usually doesn't stay long."

"Yea. I probably be here long." I sighed. "I’m on a waitlist for inpatient. So, what about you guys? What are you?"

"Anorexia." Sarah said. "Binge purge subtype."

"EDNOS." Ben said.

"Orthorexia with anorexic tendencies." Jenae said.

"There's also two bulimics, another anorexic, three orthorexics and one with binge eating disorder." Sarah explained. "Just so you know."

"Ah. Ok." I said. There was quite a range of people! Who would’ve thought?

"So…?" Sarah said with a devious grin. She wanted something from me, but I didn't know what.

"Yes?" I said with confusion.

"How did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Oh c'mon! Don't act like you don't know!" Sarah laughed. "How you got to that weight! Duh!"

"It's the first thing Sarah asks every newbie." Ben said.

"Which we aren't supposed to do." Jenae glared at Sarah from behind her book. "Just so you know."

"Oh, uh, I shouldn't." I said nervously. "It's against the rules and all."

"Pft! No one follows those rules!" Sarah pushed. "Just tell me! I want to know!"

"Ok, well, I restricted to 900 calories or less for a couple months." I said. "I purged all the extra. This went one until I got too weak to get out of bed. At that point I just stopped eating. That’s really it. Nothing special."

"Ooo! You can purge too?" Sarah was in on every detail. I started questioning my decision on telling her what I had. "Man! Aren't you skilled! Did you exercise?"

"Yea. I was a bit of a compulsive exerciser." I said. "That was until I couldn't get out of bed."

"Gimme the deets!"

"Well, in the morning I had a 30 minute workout-"

"Diane." Sheryl's voice came from behind me. She was definitely pissed. It wasn’t hard to tell by her tone. Slowly, I turned around to face her with a nervous laugh. Sarah found this whole situation hilarious, and broke out into hysterical laughter.

"I guess I didn't make the rules clear enough, hm?" Sheryl said sternly. "If I catch you breaking the rules like this again, I won't hesitate to put you under surveillance. Got it?"

I nodded. My face was burning up because of how nervous I was. I was never the type to get in trouble. Especially not in a place where there were some scary consequences.

"And you, Sarah." Sheryl continued. "Stop pushing new patients into telling you how they did things. You're close to being under surveillance too you know."

"I know, I know." She continued laughing.