Liza leans over to scoop up the last three grapes on my tray. She lets me have her cornbread.
“I’m gonna do it,” she says and then pops a grape into her mouth.
I dip a torn piece of cornbread into my white chili. “Do what?”
She claps her hands. Her voice is barely above a whisper. “I’m going to ask Jack to the dance!”
“Oh.” I chew the soft cornbread and swallow it.
Liza tilts her head. I know she’s going to make a big deal out of this. She likes starting things out of nothing. She gets away with it because I don’t have a spine.
And because in some twisted way I like the attention she gives me when she trashes me.
It’s a fucked up way to be wanted.
She turns to me then, placing her hand beside mine as if she thought about grabbing it but changed her mind. The corner of her mouth is quirked up into a sly grin. I wish I could place my thumb there without her backing away. There’s a flush of heat that flourishes from my cheeks and down to my toes. I turn away so she can’t see the look on my face. Or the shame in my eyes.
She dips her chin. “You should ask Darren.”
She whispers it. I stare intently at the chili. It suddenly doesn’t look appetizing anymore.
“He’s weird,” I say.
She mulls it over.
She nods. “Probably a good fuck though.”
A knife twists in my gut.
Liza never use to curse. She’s always been above them. She once said kids who use them are putting up a tough facade.
I wonder where that Liza is now.
Zoey sits across from us. More precisely, in front of Liza.
Her white v-neck shirt dips low to show the tan line running across her breasts.
“Did I hear talk about the dance?”
Liza straightens up. Her glee is a scorching fire in my side. It feels like a blade cutting into my ribs. “Who are you going with?”
Zoey puts on a coy smile. It doesn’t look right on her. Or with the rest of her. Seeing it against the background of her sour personality, it’s hard to see the connection between the two.
“I haven’t decided.” She stabs her plastic straw into her milk. She takes a short sip and flips her hair back from her face. “There are so many to choose from.”
I roll my eyes.
“What was that?”
I look up at them. They’re both staring at me. Zoey frowns.
I fluster for a second. She’s going to gut me.
“Whatever.” Zoey takes another sip. “Jack was my first pick, but Ryan is looking hotter since he left for the summer. I thought it was just rumors.”
Liza pulls her tray forward. She doesn’t look up as Zoey continues to talk.
“I wonder how big his dick is.”
I grimace at my food.
Thankfully, Trisha comes up to our table with Riley.
Well, I would have been okay with it if Trisha had ditched Riley on the way.
I try to keep the glare off my face as I look at Riley. Somehow, I managed it.
Riley sits beside Liza. She grins at Zoey. “What are you guys talking about?”
“The dance,” Liza says.
“Do you want to go shopping with me this weekend?”
I turn my head and zone out from the conversation. Their voices are murmurs. It helps, but I just want to leave. I thought I could handle this. Liza means everything. Riley is screwing it all up.
I don’t know how long I’m out of the conversation for. When I come back, they’re on a different topic. One laced with a lot of hate for the notorious Lianna Coates.
She’s the bitch they lay their problems on.
Zoey finishes her strawberry milk. She makes one last slurping noise before she sets it daintily down. “You don’t mind, do you Maya?”
I blink with confusion. “What?”
She raises a brow and then sighs. “Lianna. She’s your…roommate, tenant, whatever. Do you mind if we—shit on her?”
Trisha stifles a laugh.
Liza bows her head. She runs a hand across her face.
Her eyes are red, but she’s not crying. She doesn’t notice me.
She doesn’t know I’m looking right at her.
Riley laughs at something Zoey says. Riley’s as bad as Zoey and Trisha.
Zoey can talk all she wants about Lianna behind her back. When she gets what’s coming to her, it won’t matter anyway.
I stand from the table. Zoey and the rest of the table look at me. Liza doesn’t though. Her eyes are glued to the table. I look down at her and then glare at Zoey.
“Is it something I said?” She’s not smiling. I can hear it though.
She’s laughing at me, Liza, and Lianna. She’s laughing at the entire world because she knows she can get away with anything.
I wish so badly I could reach across the table and strangle her.
I can’t because she hasn’t done a damn thing wrong. I’ll never catch her. She’ll always get away until she destroys herself.
I grab my tray and my bag. They’re watching me as I walk away. Their eyes are burning into my back as I slam my tray against the trash can and then onto the cart.
It’s not until I’m out of the cafeteria that I can’t feel them.
Lianna is leaning against the lockers, her hip cocked. She’s talking to some nameless boy I don’t care enough to look in the face.
I don’t give her the chance to speak before I disappear down the hall and around the corner.
***
The last bell of the day rings. Liza meets me at my locker. I slam it close, sling my bag over my shoulder, and start to walk down the hall. She matches my pace.
“Please don’t make this bigger than it is.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I say while pushing a bag blocking my way. The gaggle of dickheads send me a glare, but I keep my eyes forward. The school entrance is at the end of the hall.
“The fuck you mean you don’t know what I mean? Zoey is right. Lianna is huge trouble.”
As much as I wish I didn’t agree, it doesn’t change the fact that I know they are all right. But I hate that they are thinking the same thing. I hate that for some reason Lianna is the bad guy.
I can’t say what I’m thinking. Liza has her view and I have mine. We can be friends even if we disagree.
It’s too bad she and Zoey are hell bent on exorcising the Lianna out of me like I’m possessed by a demon.
“Go back to Riley,” I say. I should say come with me. This is a chance I shouldn’t let slip from my grasp.
Liza follows me outside and down to the sidewalk.
“Not until you promise.”
I stop and turn to her.
“Promise what?” I give her a deadpan stare.
Her eyes are blazing, but there’s a deep sadness. A plea.
“Don’t fall for her.”
I scoff. “That’s a little cliche.”
She grabs my arm. “I’m serious. Don’t fall for her game.”
I yank my am away. “Why are you hell bent on making this seem like I’m being inducted into a cult? She’s a girl. Not the devil.”
The look she gives me questions that statement.
“She’s not,” I repeat. Even I can hear the imbedded lie.
We stand there, students walking around us. It always hits me in these spare moments how much time we’ve lost. Liza drifts further into Riley’s world and I’m drifting out to sea. The darkness is engulfing me. I can’t swim, can’t breathe. Yet, I don’t try to fix it. I’m letting this happen because it’s too much work, too much of a risk to tell her how I feel.
That’s not the point though. We shouldn’t be fighting about this. It means nothing. None of this will matter when we graduate. But it feels like the whole world to me. I feel as if this will be my last day on Earth. In turn, the last time I’ll see Liza.
If it’s not true, why does my chest ache?
Emotions are dull blades sculpting my mind and heart. By the end of this, there will be nothing of me left.
Liza shifts on her feet. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve seen her look so vulnerable.
She crosses her arms. Her eyes focus on something in the distance. She’s gone for a second, her mind wandering out into the far reaches of space. As I watch her grasp onto her thoughts, I trace the features of her face.
It’ll hurt me in the end. Every time I place a note of her in my mind, make an imprint of her picture into my memory, the harder I make it for myself to forget her. She’ll never be erased from my mind. Her touch, her smell, and her face will be haunting me until the day I die.
Savor it while it lasts. She’s going to be leaving this year. You’ll never see or hear from her again.
As sad as it might seem, it’s also a blessing. She’ll be gone. I won’t have to pretend there was ever an ounce of want between us.
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