'Lying Around in the corner of a dimly lit room,

The sunshine seems to peek in through the curtains

Singing birds continue their routine melody.

But the world has changed for me'

How long have I been sitting like this?

Enduring this heavy feeling…

Yesterday should have been the end of me right… But I was able to live because of… Her. I gripped tightly onto the card I was holding in my hand. The card I had received from the woman I met at the mountains. 

I hugged my knees and thought …"How am I ever supposed to repay you now?!"

…

I heard a soft knock at the door and a soft voice call out ,'Hari'.

H… what am I supposed to say?

I hesitantly walked towards the door.

I opened the door and found my mom holding coffee and a piece of my favourite pastry. She smiled at me but I knew instantly that it was forced.

"May I come in dear?"

"... I am so.."

She came in and placed the tray on my study table.

She turned back and swiftly hugged me.

" Mamma?"

My shoulders felt wet. She was crying.

"Mamma I'm.."

"I'm sorry Hari… it.. it must have been a torture for you right? I wasn't there when you needed me the most. I thought I was doing it for your good but I was being blind. I could see my child suffering and I ignored it saying it was for your own good."

"... Mamma."

I hugged her tight like I would never want to let go of her.

It was true that I have been hurting but it's not because of mamma. It was my own choice.

"Where.. where were you last night? I looked for you in your room in the morning and you weren't there. I searched everywhere for you. When you came back you were wounded and dirty all over. What happened to you ?"

She.. she hasn't read the letter? How? I was sure I had kept it on my desk..

But.. Should I tell her or no?

I am going to.

"Mamma…"

I looked at her. Her eyes were swollen. Had she been crying since morning? She hasn't even read and yet…

Aaah aah.. I can't hold it back anymore..

"Mamma I'm tired of it. I have … I am hopeless now. I'm tired of being hopeless. I… I tried my best and yet I can't make you and dad smile like I used to. It's not your fault.. it's mine.. I'm sorry mamma. I was just tired of losing. I'm weak."

"No you"

"Please don't try to comfort me mamma"

What hurts me the most is that you never lose your hopes on me. I am a loser. I want to be free from these false hopes.

"I see"

"..."

"So my hopes for you have driven you into a corner.."

"..."

I stayed quiet. Without uttering a word she understood everything.

"I always had a sense of it but I ignored it again and again. Aah aah~ I didn't know it would have such a negative effect on you my child…"

I looked straight into her eyes that had puffed up.

"But Hari believe me. I have never kept hope because you are a bright child but because I believe my child will always have the strength to get what she wants. You see my child is very determined. When she does something she loves, she can go for days without stopping until she has finally achieved it. Because my child is strong"

Huh? I am strong?

"But I'm sorry for pushing you to do things you don't like. I should have been more sensitive towards a growing child right. But I kept you on a pedestal and expected you to be strong always. I'm sorry I couldn't be your shoulders during your weakness. You had to keep it all with you didn't you? … I'm sorry Hari… today when I couldn't find you… I was so scared that..."

She didn't continue. She bit her lip and looked like she had been holding back a dam full of tears.

I … don't know what to do. I just went closer to my mother and rested my head on her lap. I just wanted to be a child right now. I just wanted time to stop.

I.. I am just glad … I was saved.

"It's ok. Mamma is here..", she said with a soft warm voice.

This is all I need right now.

This warm feeling that filled my heart.

I don't want it to end ..yet… some more time…

That's when I heard, "Hari"

….

"Won't you tell me where you went yesterday? "

"..."

How did she know? From what I have heard, I assume she hasn't read the letter yet. 

"Today.. I woke up early and couldn't sleep. For some reason I had an ominous feeling… I wanted to see my child.. when I went in your room.. you were not there… "

"...."

"I looked for you… I thought that because of me you"

"I went stargazing last night."

I interrupted her there.

I couldn't tell her. Not now. Or she will still blame herself.

She pinched my ear and screamt. You made me so worried. Don't you dare do that again.

I wonder. Why I didn't….

"Don't you ever go outside without telling us!".. said someone with a deep , shivering voice. 

Huh?

It was my father.

A tall man with his head high always.. but for some reason he was sulking.

I don't know how to react anymore.

I'm sad yet some in some corner of my heart. I'm glad.

"Hmm. I'm sorry dad!"

".."

"

Just then he smiled and said,"I just want my child to be safe"

…

This.. I want to keep this memory in my mind forever.

--------

That evening....

It was close to the sun set time. The sky was orange.

Looking outside the window of a moving bus I stared at the sky. Wondering how I should tell her this.

I got down from the bus and walked on a steep, muddy road to the mountaintop.

I walked that road and as I went closer to the cliff where I would be history.. I heard a sweet soft hymn.

It was like a bird was trying to sing a human song.

I walked ahead and stepping out of the trees, I saw a beautiful sight.

The setting sun coloured the sky. The trees below and the mountain top view. A silhouette.

The breeze somehow blows fast yet slow enough to gently lift the person's hair and softly allow it to fall strand by strand.

Although it is the reality, came the feeling of being dragged into a carefully drawn painting.

It gave a taste of tangerine to my eyes.

Fresh, sweet and sour.

The song ended and it felt like someone had abruptly woken me up from a dream.

I looked at the person and the person looked back.

A girl in her twenties not a lot older than me…. Wore a white frock.

She turned towards me and the corners of her lips lifted up.

"Wow? You came here to fall again?"

"Canary cassiopeia"

She lifted her eyebrows for a brief moment

and then closed her eyes.

She stretched her arms forward and her tiny thumb and indexes made a rectangle gesturing a camera.

"Araa.. Paparazzi!!!"

She said in a teasing manner.

I stood there and slightly smiled at her. It came without my control.

But I didn't speak a word.

It was almost as if we conversed through our eyes.

Her eyes widened and went back to normal.

She put her arms back and slightly bent forward.

Slowing closed her eyes and smiled forcefully.

As if something that she never wanted to see had happened in front of her eyes.

She opened her eyes and looked at me and smiled again.. painfully..

Like a person who was forced to be sweet she spoke. " Aah ahh~ I was found out"

It felt like something fell. Something metal. Some chains; although you couldn't see it…

The orange sun was setting.