Friday night quicker than I thought it would be. My dress, a coral pink that Mom said went well with my tan skin, lays on the bed. Darren is more of a texter than I am. He’s the only person that texts me besides Mom, though she barely texts either. Each night this week, he’s spammed me with twenty messages, each delving deeper and deeper into his personal life. I thought we weren’t even close to knowing each other’s middle names, but I guess this was how high school romance went. Share your secrets up front and hope the person still goes to the dance with you.
Obviously, I was the listener in this one-sided relationship. I got used to sending emojis rather than words easier than I would have expected. I still didn’t really care for texting. Talking in real life still wasn’t fun but it was easier to pick up on social cues than reading what someone was saying through a phone.
Lianna still hovers when we’re not working on our project. The only thing she’s said to me outside of working is to move over in the kitchen yesterday. She likes her tea with milk. She doesn’t like coffee.
And her favorite food is spaghetti.
I really didn’t get her.
The only thing I get is when she sneaks into the bathroom to smoke. Carol knows; I know. I don’t know if Lianna has caught on that she’s not very sneaky but she still breaks out a cigarette whenever she wants.
When I’m lying in bed at night, thinking about how this dance will be the last thing I have to endure for Liza, I also think about Lianna. I wonder what she dreams about. What she wants in life and why she sleeps around. I also wonder why she chooses the guys she chooses. What makes them so special?
It was one night that I broke my phone out and pulled up the porn pages. There on the sidebar, the tag lesbian had been catching my eye. I thought about it. It had crossed my mind. But I quickly closed the browser and decided that porn wasn’t for me. Anything remotely looking like sex wasn’t for me.
I haven’t seen him for a while. He doesn’t cross my mind as much. She’s taken up his place. I like that. It’s better than seeing his face and feeling his touch on my skin. Though, when she comes to visit my mind, she’s always the cold and annoying Lianna.
There was a side of her I saw once when she invited me into her room. When she was going over her collection of records and the photos she took herself, it had been like I was watching a completely different person.
Staring down at the coral dress, I wondered if she meant the things she did. A kiss here and there, touches that were beyond friendly. My heart races when I think about it. Should it be that? Should I want her like I should want Darren?
I slip the dress on over my head. The silver shoes are kitten heels. Mom knew well when she bought them that I can’t walk in heels. I should thank her for them.
The straps wrap up my ankle, securing the shoes onto my feet. When I stand up, I feel like I’m about to brush against the ceiling. This must be what Lianna feels when she’s walking around. She’s a giant.
The smile feels foreign on my lips. I spread my arms around and pretend that I’m an airplane. I zoom around the room until I’m out of breath. I collapse onto my back on my bed. The ceiling is white as ever. Like fresh snow before someone walks through it. The beauty never really fades away. It’s only the innocence that has been stripped.
I close my eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. That’s all it takes to live. That’s all I have to do to stay alive.
The hallway is empty when I step out with my jacket in my hands. My hair is curled and smells like strawberries. Liza let me borrow some of her peachy lipstick. It looks weird on me, but Liza said it made me look older. She’s usually right about those kinds of things.
I close my bedroom door.
“It’s sad really.”
I look up. Lianna walks over. She’s wearing a slim fitting black dress. Her hair is pulled up into a tight bun. Diamonds dangle from her ears. Her legs look like they could go on for miles.
“What’s sad?” I ask while turning to look at my silver shoes. She has black pumps on that make her even taller. She doesn’t need them.
“You,” she says it matter of factly. There’s no arguing with her. “Going with Darren. He’s a ‘nice guy’.”
She does the air quotes and all.
I snort. “What? Some people like nice guys. Unlike you.”
I say the last part under my breath. Then, I bolt from the door and stomp down the stairs.
Well, I stomp as hard as I can in heels.
Lianna follows me. She’s faster, more trained in three-inch heels.
“Nice guys always have an agenda. The fuckboys tell you straight out what they want. No games.”
I whirl around. My hand clenches the banister. “What the hell do you want? Why can’t you leave me alone to enjoy something for once? Why do you always have to ruin it?”
She doesn’t even look shocked. I wish she would be. I wish I could throw her off.
“Then don’t come crying back.”
“I wouldn’t even think about it.”
That’s the conversation we have. That’s the last thing we say before Darren shows up.
When I’m in the car, twisting at my fingers and trying not to puke up my lunch, Darren hands me a box.
The box is smaller than my palm and has a silver bow tied around to secure the lid. It doesn’t look expensive thankfully. I don’t know what I would do if he went out and bought me something expensive for a school dance that costs under three dollars.
“Open it,” he says. His hushed voice makes my heart race in an entirely different way than I think it should.
The car feels like it’s going to cave in on me. The night breeze is cold on my cheek, the moonlight streaming through the cracked window making his eyes twinkle. He’s good looking. I’ve said before, but when the light hits him just so, I think he might be an angel. There should be a spark in my blood, something that would make me ache to press my fingers to his delicate nose. His pink lips should call to me and I wouldn’t refuse it because I don’t want it but because I don’t think it’s the right time.
Maybe after a night of dancing, he’ll drive me home, walk me to the door, and I’ll finally give in to the calling. I’ll lightly brush my lips across his. Like a feather upon porcelain.
I tug the silver string. It falls to my lap.
My fingers pry the lid up.
On a bed of plush blue velvet padding is a silver necklace. It’s simple. I pull it up from the box. Dangling on the end is a blue metal rose shaped beautifully. The details are so prominent that if it were larger I might mistake it on passing for a real one.
“I can’t,” I say automatically. I go to set the necklace back into its box. Darren stops me with the light touch of his hand.
“Non-refundable.” He cracks a smile. “Please. I’ll help you put it on.”
And for whatever reason, Liza’s voice is yelling in my head. She’s telling me to be grateful that he’s nice enough to think about me. It didn’t have to be me that he chose.
But he didn’t choose me for some reason. Though I don’t want him to kiss me or touch me more than a friend, I feel as if I must give him a try. I at least owe him that.
I let him take the necklace from my grasp and clasp it around my throat.
I look down at the blue next to the coral. “I don’t know if it goes with my dress.”
It’s a stupid thing to say. Say something else for god’s sake.
He looks down at it. He’s too close. A breath away.
I suck in my stomach. My chest blooms with a shaky breath.
“It looks beautiful on you.” He looks up from under his dark eyelashes. “You look beautiful.”
I thought he was going to kiss me.
He doesn’t.
He leans back and starts the car.
“Don’t want to be late!” He’s back to his joyous self.
I’m shaking as much as the car as we zoom down the almost empty street.
Lianna is climbing onto the back of a black motorcycle, holding a bouquet of white roses when we ride past.
She looks up and I think she sees me.
I quickly look away just in case she did.
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