It was getting into the early light of dawn when I walked back into my hellhole of a Brooklynn apartment: the basic wooden door leading into a hallway so narrow I could put my hands on the sidewalls and not need to bend my elbows, door to the right leading into the bathroom and the left wall adorned with the pair of sliding doors for the closet and a linen closet at the end, I threw my shoes to the wall as I walked ahead, the apartment instead opened into the rather small room, the front right corner occupied by the kitchen with my bed right next to it, I roll out of bed and am in my kitchen. A small trashy couch at the foot of my bed with a terrible TV that barely gets static let alone anything local on it, came with apartment, I watch TV on my laptop. A small table opposite of the kitchen with two folding chairs set at it. Dingy rough bamboo flooring, boring cream colored walls with old paintings and posters people before me put up to cover the holes they punched into the dry-wall or cracks or spots of where mold had been just scraped off instead of properly done away with.

The walls are impossibly thin and I could already hear the couple down the hall screaming at each other for some…boring reason, sounds like today she caught him fucking another woman in their bed to which he replied that just a few hours later he caught her in bed with the same woman. The building has terrible excuses for AC or heating, so even though it was getting towards the middle of fall, it was freezing inside, the window was too small for a window radiator and I’ve bought a floor heater before only to walk in a few days later to find my landlord “commandeered” it only to then learn he stole it to sell on the streets for drugs. I’ve seen rats in the hallway the size of cats and the entire building for some reason smells like cheap cigarettes and chlorine. I have just a regular full sized bed on a basic metal frame with blue begging I’ve had sense college, I used stacked boxes for a nightstand and there was no lamp on them or anything, the table and chairs were all foldable and gray, the kitchen had no microwave or dishwasher, the oven door randomly fell off in the middle of the night and a hotplate is more reliable than the stove top, the old haggard fridge had a handle held on with duct-tape and the freezer was warmer than the fridge. The walls and ceilings had spots of water damage and cracks and along the wall beside where that excuse of TV was were bags and boxes still there despite the fact I’ve lived here for…three years. I promised myself when I moved in I wouldn’t be here long…obviously that hasn’t worked out well.

I collapsed on the edge of my bed, throwing my work apron onto the couch as I rested my head in my hands, breathing in deeply before I just started crying. Its just been…a lot recently. I just graduated two month ago and every job I’ve applied to has denied me, one was just flat out racist and said they didn’t want someone Hispanic working for them, others have said they found someone more…fitting for their environment or more qualified. I hadn’t been able to stay at the college dorms because they were far too expensive, so…shoebox apartment for me. I worked at the diner all throughout school, but regular, more normal shifts and when I graduated, my manager asked me to take this shift because the girl that usually has it has finals coming up. I thought that the shift would be better for me because of I had heard her talking about the giant tips she gets from the execs.

I’m from L.A actually, my dad immigrated to the US from Tajuana and met my mom who is second gen from Spain, myself and my three older sisters were always yelled and screamed at that they’d only support us through college if we were going into those super, super expensive, long and important professions that anyone with immigrant parents has heard before: doctor, lawyer or engineer, nothing else was acceptable. I hated it, I never wanted anything like those three, so they cut me off when I graduated high school. I promised myself I’d apply to like every school I could that would allow me to apply and whatever school gave me the best scholarship I’d go to.

I rose my head as I looked down towards my hands, my hands speckled and spotted with scar tissue as I rubbed my eyes, I was an art major, I’ve only ever wanted to make jewelry, making things that glitter and shimmer in the sun and make people feel beautiful, it’s the only thing that brings me happiness is looking at, studying or making jewelry. I went to the college here for a business science major with a minor in art that was all about jewelry and things of that sort. The thin wisps of sunlight starting to skirt into the room, through the single arm’s wide alley the building had where my window was, it told me that I had been awake for…far too long. So I quickly got ready for bed before curling myself up tightly in the blankets, letting the droning sound of traffic, dozens of pigeons and the screaming of my neighbors lull me in a sleep that I had to cry myself into.