I feel so helpless. I start to cry again. Please hurry Finn. I sit in the grass. It's soft around my exposed ankles, but all the while cold from the nightly dew. I shiver as the sweat on my back and neck cools. I wait for two more minutes and finally Finn shows up. By now, my crying has slowed, and a few tears fall slowly as I stand. I quickly wipe them away as I open the car door. Finn’s hair is a mess, his wavy black hair sticking up in different directions. He’s still wearing his pjs, a pair of flannel pants and a t-shirt on backwards.
I smile slightly and point to his shirt, “Your shirts on backwards.”
“I was rushing.” He says, “Come on, get in. You’re probably cold.”
I slide in and close the door behind me. I sigh and slouch in the passenger's seat. Finn drives me home wordlessly, only disrupting the silence to hand me a tissue. Honeybee by The Head and the Heart plays quietly over the radio. I let the words fill my mind. Honeybee, I can’t imagine how my life would be, if all your gravity did not hit me. Oh don't you see? Darling, my honeybee. The soft piano relaxes me. I close my eyes and let the music calm me. Finn must notice that the music is helping, and turns the radio up a bit. He parks outside my house within a few minutes.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” he asks, shifting to face me completely.
“Damien and I hooked up.” I say, dazed and staring blankly out the window.
“Oh.” Finn says. I turn to see his reaction. His eyebrows are slightly raised and his eyes scan my face. “I’m guessing it didn’t end well.” He says. His eyes linger on my lip, bloody and swollen. He reaches forward slowly and when I don’t react, he puts his hand on my cheek and rubs my eye gently. That feels good. I lean into his hand. I sigh and look up into his eyes. His deep blue eyes show concern. He continues to rub my eyes as I tell him what happened. I thought he’d be angry, but when I finish he just sighs.
“Damn it.” He says quietly, pulling his hands back to rub his temples. As I’m looking at him, I see my reflection in the window behind him. My eyes are swollen, and my nose and cheeks are flushed. I look like a mess. I think, turning away. “Do you want me to distract you with a story?”
I look up. “Ok.”
“I broke up with Giana tonight.”
“What? Why?” I ask in shock.
“I can’t get this one girl out of my head.” He says looking out the front window.
“Who?” How dare he..
“Well she used to go to our school but no one remembers her, which is strange cause I remember her being outgoing.” I make a perplexed face. “She had light brown hair and these striking hazel eyes. She was funny and really cared about her friends, and was super hard working.” He turns back to look at me in the eyes. There's no one like that. We sit in silence for a moment as Finn continues to look at me.
“Do you remember her name?” I ask, trying to make the situation less awkward. I look to the side, unable to hold the eye contact. The air is so thick that you could cut it with a knife.
“Murphy.” He says.
I turn my head to look at him, “Yeah?”
“Her name was Murphy.” He says. I pause. What? His eyes are soft and kind as they bore into my brain. I feel my eyes widen and my lips part. There's no way…
“I don’t know how, or why, but I remember this beautiful, smart, amazing girl. And it was you.” He says like hes trying to reason, “I don’t know, maybe I’m gay, maybe I’m high, maybe I’m having some weird ass dream..” He says waving his arms around to emphasize his craziness, “but..” He pauses, looking away, then, after a moment, looks back at me. “I think I’m in love with you.” His eyes pierce my mind, the deep blue burning a hole in my head.
“Uh..” I say accidentally, as my mouth is slightly open.
Finn jolts, reaching out his arms, “That was really sudden, you don’t need to say anything! I’m probably just making your night worse.” He finishes, rubbing his neck. He chuckles. “You need some sleep. I’ll see you later Murph.” He forces a small smile.
Not knowing what to say, I unbuckle my seat belt. The warm door handle burns on my cold hand when I fumble to leave. I open the door and step out, but pause before I go. I should say something.
I turn and say, “Bye Finn.” I don’t meet his eyes as I close the door and walk away. My mind goes on autopilot as I open my front door and make my way to my room upstairs. I slide off my pants and pull off my shirt, and shimmy my way under my comforter. My head finally starts to fill with tonight's events as I lay down on my bed. Damien’s face flashes across my eyes, and I feel my eyes burn. There's no tears left, I think as I close my eyes. The dry, burning sensation continues. The pain just makes me want to cry more. Sh*t this hurts. Then I remember how Finn rubbed my eyes. I mimic it. My hands are much colder so it isn't as soothing, but it helps. Finn’s face now moves in front of my eyes, as I imagine him rubbing my eyes and comforting me like he did in the car. He smiles and I feel my heart ache. The throbbing sensation rocks my body and makes me slowly come to a stop. I look up to my ceiling. I stare at my ceiling fan as my chest continues to throb. I want to cry again. But this time it's different. I close my eyes again and Finn is there. He holds my face and stares into my eyes. I feel alone, I think as the scene shifts and now Finn is laughing in the driver's seat of his car. I pull my comforter as I turn to my side, completely wrapping myself in it. Finn turns and looks at me. I open my eyes and blankly stare at my closet door. I pull the comforter again and my feet become exposed. I had piled the comforter on top of me. I fix it as I sigh. What is this feeling? This emptiness? I think as I continue to stare at the door. I want that feeling, I think as I remember the opposite emotion of what I’m feeling now. Finn asking if I'm ok in his car, Finn picking on me over Facetime and everything else in this past week. The last one plays slowly, painfully teasing me with the memory. The picture of Finn distressed when he picked me up, when he was with me in the car. A tear drips out and slides across my nose, down my cheek. I close my eyes. I want that feeling. I felt safe. His backwards shirt. I felt warm. His fingers on my eyes. I felt relaxed. Him laughing as he drives. I felt like I belonged. Nothing plays in my mind but this feeling hits the hardest. The extreme feeling of belonging that i feel with Finn is like when you find the perfect position before bed. Or when you wake up perfectly refreshed. Or when you take a hot shower after being cold. It's satisfyingly perfect. And it's not just feeling comfortable, it's the ease I feel around him, the light conversation we have without fault, it's everything. I just want to be around him. My eyes start to burn again and I close them. They feel heavy as a light headache sets in. I flip again and lay on my back and allow my mind to go blank.
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