TW: suicide (see note in description)

Daylight fell in streams through the leaves of the tree Canelle and company sat under, creating a pattern on the table cloth of bright white blots. The day was warm, a little too warm for Canelle’s liking, and for an unknown reason they were drinking their tea hot. 

It was unfortunate, as she was prone to sweating, and as of late worried about it constantly. Back in Gaidos, it was said that the weather was nothing short of perfection, like everything else paradise promised. The summers were never too hot, and the winters were never too cold. 

Bahar’s invitation had disclosed that she was bringing a friend with her. Canelle expected Elvia or Onixe, but was naive of her to presume she only had two friends. 

During the introduction of this new friend, she had been too fixated on her internal monologue to catch the woman’s name. Now she waited desperately for someone in the conversation to say the name again. 

“Canelle, you’ve been quiet this morning. Onixe mentioned that Valkom took her sister to see the temple Derim yesterday. Did you two go? What did you think about it?” 

While it was very sweet of Bahar to try and include her in the conversation, this wasn’t helping her figure out the other woman’s name.

She answered the question, “We did. The exterior of it reminded me of the buildings we’d seen before, in the valley, very angular. It was very beautiful. I wish I were an artist, I would capture the memory and put it to paper if I could.” She glanced at Lior, who was staring intently at the sugar cubes on the table, pretending to listen.

The entire day, between the two of them, had consisted of meek mumbles and silent gestures. Liorit had little desire to address what had happened, and was by result evasive.

Once they met up with Bahar, her employer returned to her usual charismatic self. Canelle couldn’t help watching her, waiting in vain for clarification, or a reason for what she had last said to her.

Cupping her tea, Bahar spoke of a time when the temples were used to practice an ancient religion and how in the present only a couple variations of the religion were in practice. She and her friend named other temples or historical monuments that were open to the public, and Lior commented on whether she had seen them or not. 

After a short contribution to the conversation, Bahar’s friend rose from her seat. 

“I wish to stretch my legs. Anyone care to join?” 

“I’ll join you.” Lior stood and downed the rest of her tea. “I could use some sun.”

“You Bevijs are quite pale, you won’t faint in the sun or anything?” Asked the woman in jest.

Lior went along with the banter. “If I did, would you catch me?”

“Most certainly not, I’ve heard stories about you and your smooth words.” Their conversation continued as they strode away. 

When they were out of hearing distance, Canelle exhaled. “I completely spaced on her name, I’m sorry. Would you remind me what it was?”

Bahar brought her tea to her lips and grinned real wide. “Oh my goodness, is that why you were so quiet? Her name is Pilar. She is my cousin.” 

“I’m so sorry!” Her cheeks were warm with embarrassment. “I saw the resemblance, how did I not catch that?” 

Bahar waved her concern away. “You are meeting so many people in such a short amount of time, there is only so much you can do. Now tell me, at the Temple Derim, there’s a statue at the end of the hallway with the tapestries. It is of the Goddess Eula and a mortal named Doria. Did you see it by chance?” 

The memory was fresh, Canelle had no trouble visualizing it. Lior hadn’t nagged at her to hurry up during their time there due to her avoiding talking to her all together. The squire would be lying if she said she hadn’t abused that factor to wander around at her leisure. 

The statue at the end of the hall had made an impression, being both poetic and peculiar. She couldn’t tell if its semi-eroticness was intentional or an unfortunate accident. The plaque underneath it was in Dofec, and she wasn’t in the headspace to ask Lior what it said. 

One of the women lay on a rock that had realistic waves of water crashing against it. Her dress had tears in strategic places, as if she had fallen victim to the harsh waves. The second woman hovered over her—and Canelle’s interpretation had to be wrong, because it appeared that the woman was attempting to save her by licking the underside of her chin. The statue, although stunning, was old, and parts of it were eroded. She assumed she was missing a key contextual part of it. 

“The one with the two women on the rock?” she asked to clarify. 

“Yes, that’s the one. What did you think of it?” 

Canelle blinked a couple of times, trying to piece together where the woman was going with her question.“It was curious.” 

“I’ll tell you what it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to be the Goddess Eula breathing life into Doria after she drowned in the Tegran Sea. But I can’t look at it without thinking that it looks like she’s licking her face.” She laughed. “And why is it so unnecessarily sexual? There is no reason for it to be!” 

Her laughter turned from a polite laugh to a hearty, contagious laugh. Canelle joined her, relieved that her misinterpretation of the artwork was a common one. 

“Are you having fun in Dofev?” she asked once she recomposed herself. “I heard that Valkom has to return to Bevij soon. Do you think you will stay?”

Canelle hadn’t heard anything about returning to Bevij. Her source of this sort of information was Lior, and she hadn’t told her anything to suggest they were returning. Of course, they would have to be on speaking terms in order for that to happen. 

“If Valkom is returning, chances are that we are leaving as well.” She remembered to answer the first part of the question a little belatedly. “I am having a lot of fun here however.”

 “What if I could talk Lior into extending your stay a bit? Hypothetically speaking, would you stay?”

Canelle could come up with a million reasons as to why she couldn’t stay. It felt rude to start listing them off, so she picked the one the most out of her control. “There’s nothing for me to do here in the long term. I love it here, but I can’t live here. I’m not a noble, I work for a living, and I can’t work here if I can’t speak Dofec.” 

Something flashed in Bahar's eyes, sadness or amusement. 

“It’s a fair point, I suppose I got carried away. I am a bit bitter that I’m losing your friendship so soon.” She set down her cup. “Do you have friends back home?”

The question flustered Canelle again, because the truth of it was lame. “I don’t. Not like you anyway. You have friends who really like you.” 

“That they do, but I’ve never had a friend like you either.” She stared into the distance, towards the spot where Lior and Pilar were on the path. “I know I sound obnoxious when I tell you that I never feel like I can be genuine with them. Whereas with you, I want to be real. I struggle with it still. I’ve been this version of myself for my entire life. Oh gods, I’m blabbering Canelle, let us talk about something else.” 

“We can—” Her face dropped. Far beyond Lior and Pilar, the shadow of a man stood on the ledge of a tall bridge. “Is that man—”

Bahar’s eyes widened as she set sight on what troubled her friend. She opened her mouth, stalling when the words failed to leave her. 

A scream cut through the park, and then it was dead silent. The birds in the trees fell quiet. The leaves rustling in the wind froze along with Bahar’s words. The man’s shadow dropped from the ledge and into the rushing river that cut through the park.

Bahar jumped to her feet, two of the guards on standby rushed forward towards the bridge, and a third spoke in Dofec to Bahar. Without context, the tone was harsh and probably instructed Bahar to stay back. She responded in a sharp tone, rushing over to the main path. 

A crowd began to form around the bridge, and guards clamored over, attempting to form a barricade. The river was wide, and the coursing waters thrashed down at a violent speed. How could anyone survive that? 

The commotion was muted by the thumping sound in Canelle’s ears: her heart. Around her, visitors of the park scrambled to collect their belongings and leave. Following suit, Bahar’s staff began to clear off the table.  

Bahar waved across the field at Pilar and Lior who were already walking back. She sought to meet them halfway, but to her despair, a guard prevented them from doing so. Bahar didn’t protest, the man was doing his job. Instead, she turned to Canelle and nodded in the direction park visitors were being diverted to. 

“Our driver will bring our carriage over to this exit,” she said. “Are you alright? You're shaking.” 

Canelle looked at her hands and tried to will them still with her gaze. Instinctively, Bahar took both her hands in her own. They were as warm and soft as the visitor remembered them being the last two times she held her hands. 

A guard yelled something in Dofec to them, irritated with the women for standing in the middle of the path.

“Sorry-” Her own voice sounded foreign to her. “I'm alright now.”

Bahar didn’t believe her but gave her a meek smile. “Come on, we can wait for them at the exit.”

While the stress in her chest had faded by the time they reached the exit, there was a faint tension that resided. A reminder of the pain that had just been there. 

Bahar sat next to her on a boulder, wearing her concern on her face and saying very little.

The sun sunk further behind a well-defined cloud, one among many thinner clouds. Park visitors were long gone, but Lior and Pilar had yet to exit. A service member volunteered to go check if they were diverted to a different exit. 

“I’m starting to think that any time I try to show you something of interest, I end up unintentionally traumatizing you, and I am so sorry Canelle,” Bahar said sincerely. 

“No, don’t feel bad. There’s no way you could have known.”“That poor man…” 

The warm breeze ruffled some leaves behind them. They both turned, expecting the rest of their party, disappointed when they didn’t emerge through the brush.

Canelle thought of the man and his fall. She felt it was not an accident, it looked very intentional. 

“Did he… take his own life?” she asked.

“I believe so.”

“You don't find it a bit… selfish? For him to do that to his loved ones?” The tightness in Canelle’s chest pulsed. 

Bahar adjusted herself on the boulder to face her. Her brown eyes looked over and past Canelle. And her dark long hair reflected the soft glow of the indigo blue sky behind her.

“He was in a different place than those around him,” she mused softly. “His mind did not have the same logic as you and me. We don't know what was in his control and what were true flaws.”

Overwhelmed by her scruples, she uttered, “I have nothing to my name, but even I know my life has worth.” If anything, Canelle fought a silent war daily, praying that her attraction to women wouldn’t get her killed. To throw a life away as that man did, moved the tension from her chest to her face.  “I would never do that to my loved ones.”

Bahar was startled by the outburst but spoke calmly in response, “I know where you are coming from, and I agree that we can’t glorify his decision. We also can’t villainize him without having walked in that man's shoes.”

What she was saying was reasonable. Canelle’s apprehension was keeping her from seeing it that way. She knew better than to blame Bahar for the feelings that presently overwhelmed her.

“Dear Canelle, you can have the entire world and still feel empty inside.”

When Canelle was a child, there were days when there was little food on the table. Those were the days that fueled her to fight to survive. It felt unfair that wealth was wasted on people willing to give up on their lives. 

If she was wrong and the man was destitute, and if that was the reason for his actions, it still didn’t seem like a good enough reason to do such a thing. There were worse things to live through, and survive—

Bahar was right. To assume the man’s character was wrong, so she dropped the subject with a meek nod. 

“Canelle.” The sound of Lior’s voice cut through the stiff air and the tension in the young woman’s jaw dispelled.

Liorit appeared through the park’s gates, with Pilar and the service member following right behind her. The air carried a weight. A mutual anxiousness that would linger for the rest of the ride home: They said their goodbyes to the group and rode in silence back to their tower.

“Are you okay? That was… rough.” asked Lior once they were inside. She let out a hearty sigh and ran her hand through her bangs. 

The day had cooled down, and while it was early in the evening, Canelle’s body felt weighted down by something. If Lior allowed it, she’d retire to her room early. 

“Did you see it happen?” the young woman answered her question with a question. Lior had been closer to the bridge at the time of the incident. And perhaps that was a stupid question to ask. 

If the noblewoman did have some sort of military title (even if it was only a formality), there was a chance that she had seen death in person before. 

Seeing death in person… Canelle wondered if that made a person more or less sensitive to death.

“I watched him climb over the railing, and I suppose I thought he would have stood there longer, hesitating, reflecting—” She wrapped the rest of her thought up quickly, having remembered who she was talking to: the person she’d been avoiding the last day and a half. “Regardless, there wasn’t enough time for anyone to react.”

Canelle pressed her lips together and nodded. 

On the other side of the large sitting room window, long ways from the city of Bofev, the sun teetered on the tip of the western mountains, nowhere close to setting. Even so, she made the decision to lie down, right there on the ground, on the glossy tile, warm from the fleeting daylight. She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. 

“Are you…?” Lior didn’t finish her question. 

Instead, following Canelle’s lead, she sat down on the floor next to her, crossing her legs and facing the window. 

Canelle tuned into their surroundings, a favorite trick of hers when her stresses got the best of her. The trick was not to fall asleep. Lior sitting down beside her, she hadn’t anticipated, but perhaps she didn’t want to be alone. 

 She heard the door open at dinner time when the servers arrived with their carts and trays. They moved around lightly, something that Canelle’s own heavy footing never allowed her. Trays were set down, drinks were poured, and then there was the unforgettable smell. 

She wasn’t hungry. How could she be? But the smell took her places. By the smell alone, she couldn’t guess at what their dinner was. The blend of spices was known to her, but different blends of the same spices ornamented a variety of the dishes they had tried so far. Whatever it was, it smelled authentically Dofec. Yes, it smelled authentically Dofec.