Hi, author here. I forgot to say earlier, but just a trigger warning before you continue. August is dealing with a mild panic attack in this but I don't want it to affect anyone. This involves a small mention of blood and fainting. Hope this helped.

I can’t breathe. I need to breathe. How the fuck do you breathe.

It’s happening again, it needs to stop. I need to calm down. I..I can’t let this happen again.

My hands are shaking so much, and my breathing is so ragged and fast. But I can’t feel it, I can’t feel the breathing, why can’t I feel it?

I’m in so much pain right now. But I don’t know where it’s from. Everything is so hard to see, and so hard to hear. It’s so hard. My chest is sore.

Everything was flashing back, all the memories. Everything. The good, the bad, the worst ones. I want it to stop, I just want everything to stop.

All the sounds, the thoughts, pictures. All the bad things I’ve been told and all the worse things that have been said to me, they’re all replaying. I can’t pause it, and it’s so loud. It’s so painful to hear.

Shut up, stop, please. I want all of it to stop. Please stop.

“Shut up! Just.. just shut up..”

Everything is burning, my breathing won’t slow down. My body is in pain. I feel so dizzy.

My world is spinning, I have a headache. All of it is so loud. Just so, so loud. Before I knew it, I saw my world tilting. And the floor came into vision.

And everything went black.

. . .

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes were the lights coming from my ceiling, just, blurrier.

It took me some time to realise where I am and what I’m doing here.

When I got up my head was pounding. I must’ve hit it since it hurts like hell. I put my weight against my left palm to get up but there was a sharp pain coming from it. When I looked at it, there was a large slit there, and it was bleeding a lot.

How the hell did I not even see that? And when did that even happen?

Oh, the glass. Right, the glass.

After forcing myself to get up, I noticed the mess my apartment was in. When I looked at the floor it was full of shattered glass and blood, I was practically standing in it.

Shit, I’m going to have to clean all of this up. But first, hand, gotta bandage the hand.

I went to my bathroom, I always keep bandages in the cabinet since it’s not the first time I’ve broken something while panicking. But it definitely doesn’t happen often.

After I cleaned it and it was dry enough, I bandaged it. It does hurt a lot though. It’s pretty deep so it’ll probably take a while to heal. Damn it, that’s going to be a pain.

Now that I think about it, I’m rather calm right now. Usually after my panic attacks I’m pretty out of it, but I’m acting really different right now. Either I’m used to it or there’s just something wrong with me.

I should probably message someone. That would probably be an annoyance though, so let’s rather not do that.

My whole body is in so much pain, it’s really annoying. Maybe I should take a painkiller or something, and probably find my inhaler while I’m at it. Can’t risk having another asthma attack without it.

I started cleaning everything up after taking a painkiller. My apartment seriously looks like trash today. I don’t even know why.

I’m really tired, I’ll just try to go to bed earlier today. Maybe I’ll remember better in the morning.

How long was I even out for? It was still light outside before I fainted, and it was darker when I woke up, around 7 I think. So I think I was out for half an hour? Jesus.

Probably not something good.

I made sure that all the glass was gone and that everything was back in place again. After that I just went back to bed.

I’m so tired, I’m in so much pain right now, it’s annoying.

I shouldn’t always repeat those words when I’m panicking like that. They never work, it doesn’t make a difference.

Saying that I need to breathe won’t change anything, it just makes it harder, and more painful.

When I think about it, in a way I kind of envy people who can feel how they breathe, they’re lucky that they get to feel that and notice it.

I know that I’m no different to those normal people, I’m a normal person too I suppose. But even if I am breathing right now, I can’t feel it, I can’t acknowledge it.

So that’s why to me, it doesn’t feel like I’m breathing at all.