I had been dreaming of the sight in front of me for quite a while, wondering if it would ever come to be, kept at bay by the damage I knew I was going to do you. Would your grades go down? Were you going to start having recurring nightmares from a repressed knowledge of being preyed on? Was it going to take a toll on you with a psychotic break in your 20's, as in Tender is the Night? Were you going to fall into substance abuse? Were you going to be able to build an adult relationship with a partner later on in your life? So far you seemed fine, but it hadn't quite been a month. All of those thoughts came back to me, after the excitement of seeing you fulfill the scene I had dreamed of subsided. No matter how hard I would try to hide it, my face would always make my heart an open book for you, a natural consequence of the strong bond we had grown in your short life.
We laid together, you cuddled under my arm, for a long while. I drew patterns on your sweet skin with my fingertips, you opened your palm and held my flesh gently, always self conscious of doing anything I could take as a demand for attention, but then you had never needed to, you always had it.
You fell asleep like the child you were. I covered us both and followed suit.
***
"Let's go shower Flo"
I didn't call you my baby girl all the time, I also loved the sound of your name. There was no way you could have taken it as a sign of my displeasure since it had never happened. This time we had a more quiet shower, innocently cleaning of your privates. Surprisingly I didn't even get an erection, but it wasn't going to last for long.
After I had dried you up you wore what you knew was going to be my favorite attire, your short silk nightgown. Your mother wouldn't have approved had she seen it, but she never went into your wardrobe. We went shopping for it only a couple of months ago. You were so happy when you had it in the shopping bag, you knew I had gotten it for you because he was going to like so much seeing his princess in it.
"Let's go for a snack my baby," I said.
"Can I fix something nice for you dad? I'll strain kefir and throw blueberries in it. A toast with tofu each too.” Same for you, you ate healthy to stay pretty for Daddy.
Even though you were concerned because you could see there was something bothering me, you didn't ask what was the matter. It was up to me whether I wanted to share it with you. After all I was your dad and it was up to me what I deemed right to share and what not.
"Trust your daddy. I probably have reason to be concerned for your wellbeing." You never interrupted a grown up, much less your father. "I fear what we're doing may have negative consequences for you as you grow up."
What hypocrisy, now we were well beyond the Rubicon.
Your eyes welled up as you took a few seconds to think.
"Dad, even if it's bad for me, I don't care, I care so much more about it being good for you and making you happy." Tears rolled down your cheeks. "Please," your voice broke. "let me go on making you happy..." You halted. There was something you didn't want to say. Struggling not to break up crying, you went on. "...if it's okay with you."
Always your daddy first.
I realized I wasn't going to stop, despite this hypocritical sense of guilt, so it was better I made the best of it and not make you suffer, even if it wasn't the best interest for you in the long run. A selfish short term decision. I couldn't stand to see you cry, you seldom did. One time, years ago, you had the notion you were going to let me down when you brought a not so good grade from school, and I had to use all of my influence to get you out of such an idea. Now I brought you to my lap and held your head against me.
"My baby, my sweet little baby girl. Don't worry, what you do is too good for me to make you stop. I want my princess to keep on making Daddy happy. I'm sure you can see how much I like it and there's no need for me to insist."
There was no need for me to insist on anything, but I wanted to reassure you and not make you feel you were getting your way by crying.
You sniffled a bit, then I raised your head to kiss your tears, moving on to your lips in a natural way. My soft kiss took away your misgivings about the whole issue. We fell into a passionate kiss without intent, my caress on your waist easily giving in to lust.
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