Kiss Him

Omegaverse

Nathanial

Part Twelve

"Useless!!! Fucking stupid useless fucking family and their stupid fucking useless values! Fuck them all….and most of all fuck Rhys! Ahhhhh fuck!" I couldn't contain my anger. I just couldn't hold it in when I knew I had to. I had to suck it up because I knew they'd never change. Making me look like a fool, like it was all my fault. I didn't ask to get engaged, I didn't want that shit. I was happy, but then again nothing goes my way. I know I'm a spoiled brat but that's what they made me and when things don't go their way it's my fault. I'm the bad guy. I'm the shameless idiot. I'm the one who did everything so fucking wrong when they made it go all wrong. Who in the hell do they think they are? I go back home to square things up and actually apologize for something they did wrong and I still get kicked in the teeth. All I wanted to do was finally say mom, dad, I found someone who is good, please accept him. But noooo they won't even do that. Am I really that awful that they can't accept me anymore? "Fuck!! Deep breaths Nathaniel…." I had to calm my shit before I got back to Craig, I couldn't have him see me so….broken. I didn't want to explain myself. I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm sick and tired of being….me. Maybe Craig is better off without a failure like me. Maybe my happiness when I'm with him is just fake or the love I think I feel for him is fake too. Maybe it's just a picture I'm painting in my mind to forget all my pain, but in the end a picture never lasts, they eventually lose their color and just become a picture that was once beautiful. Another deep breath, another hold of my chest. Trying to calm my racing heart, trying to swallow the god awful lump in my throat. I needed to see Craig, I needed to feel his heat against me so I could see that it's not me lying to myself, that what I feel is real and then I can finally put my feelings into words. I just hoped to god he says he loves me too, I'd had enough humiliation in my life.

Pulling into services I parked up my car and pulled my phone from the glove compartment. I opened my messages to Craig and decided I'd best message him to tell him I was almost there. I just needed a quick breather first.

Me: I'm almost with you. Are you at yours? Xxx

I dropped my phone into my lap and closed my eyes. The days seem so much longer than they really are at the moment. This day seemed to just drag on and on. It just felt like I wasn't moving, but everyone else was. I watched people come and go like flocks of birds, but time stands still for me. I wasn't sure how to keep up with everything or the thoughts that ran rings around my mind over and over again. I'm thinking too much about stuff and I needed to stop that. "Ugh…." Then my phone buzzing had my eyes popping open to see a message from Craig.

Craig: I'm with Marcus and the twins. We're on our way back to Walker's. How far away are you? Xxxx

God! I thought. I didn't want to go to Walker and Marcus's place. Not yet anyway, they're just too much for me sometimes….no, that's wrong. They're not too much for me, I just couldn't handle how perfect they were and I wasn't. I guess it's jealousy. How can they be so perfect and happy?

Me: I just stopped at some services. Won't be long. Can you meet me outside there's so we can go straight to yours? Xxxx

Craig: Huh? Why?

Why? Fuck! Me: Please. I need to be with you without all the commotion. Please Craig.

Craig: Sure. If that's what you want. Text me when you're almost outside. Xxxx

Me: Thank you. Xxx

Chucking my phone back in the glove compartment, I pulled away and headed towards Walker's place. It wasn't really that long a drive to theirs from where I stopped, but I actually wished it was longer. Just breathe for fucks sake, you got this. If I tell myself that enough I'll be okay. I nodded and watched as the area Walker lived in came into my field of vision and my stomach knotted. The need to stop again was almost too much, but I couldn't, won't. I need to get to Craig and see his beautiful face, let his soft voice filter through my ears and warm me. I needed his strong arms to make me feel safe and protected. I'd even had the forethought that on my next heat cycle I'd let him claim me, then I'd never be able to run like I'm so prone to do.

Finally turning into Walker's street I parked up a few houses down and grabbed my phone again. Me: I'm a few houses down. Can you come to me now? Xxxx

I sat fiddling with my phone and almost biting chunks from inside my mouth. He needs to hurry up….then I sighed and smiled.

Craig: I'm on my way down to you now. Be about thirty seconds. :)) Xxxx

I smiled more because he seemed excited in that message, which calmed me exactly the way I needed. Then like two magnets my eyes caught him and he caught me. His goofy grin was medicine to my soul. Then he started running. Just another ten seconds and he will be with me. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven….he's quicker than I thought and he pulled open the passenger door. "Hey there beautiful. Waiting for me?" He smiled again.

"Definitely. Now get in."

"Eager beaver I see," then he leaned over and pressed his warm lips to my neck. "Let's get back to mine."

"Great. I need to let off steam." I muttered.

"What happened?" He asked and squeezed my thigh.

"Too much."

"What did your parents say?"

"A lot of bullshit as per usual. I don't even know why I bothered at all. I tried and failed. They still hate me."

"I'm sure they don't hate you Nathaniel. Parents can be stubborn, I know, my mother is pretty much the same."

"I see," I'd never spoken to Craig about his family. I'd not asked actually. Maybe I should have, but all I ever do is complain about mine and Craig is always comforting me. "What are your parents like?" I guess I needed to ask.

"Hmm, well my dad is alright but my mom is a nosey stuck up bitch, to put it bluntly. She's always sticking her nose in business that doesn't concern her, it pisses me off so I avoid her as much as I can. Best way really, we'd only argue anyway."

"So you have a mom like mine then?"

"Pretty much. Anyway, did you tell them about us?"

"I tried. They wouldn't listen. So I gave up and left. I didn't see the point in hanging around if they were just going to treat me like shit."

"I'm sorry, beautiful. Maybe we can try together next time."

"No, there won't ever be a next time. There's no point in it."

"Nathaniel…."

"No Craig. Giving up is better."

"Right, sure…."

"Look...just being near them made my stomach hurt," I groaned, cutting him off. I needed to say it all right now so he'd understand. "I made the choice Craig that pissed my parents off and I made myself suffer because of it. But then you found me. And I wanted your comfort. But I also didn't want to hope anymore. They're both useless and make trying and fighting seem reasonable when they weren't. I tried so hard not to feel anymore, but the fear of what happened instilled in me just became unbreakable. Maybe that's why I hate myself so much. I'm weak and useless. Just like they tell me. I understand it all. The pain, the guilt. I know firsthand what it's like when the monsters are gone and you only have your own thoughts to fight. Your memories and regrets. It's all-consuming. And there's no one who can understand you. No one you trust, whose words you can believe are genuine and not just disguised pity." I paused and held my breath for a moment while Craig stared at me.

"I get it Nathaniel, they pushed you and it hurt you, but you need to make peace with yourself or you'll never get over any of it. You'll just keep on going around in circles, hurting yourself."

"I'm not strong enough."

"You are, you're a lot stronger than you think."

I shook my head and swallowed another damned lump that had formed in my throat. "I need you to fix me Craig, please….I'm begging you….fix me."

He sighed and ran his hand roughly through his hair as I pulled up by his place. He didn't look happy anymore. "I can't tell you that you don't have to hurt anymore Nathaniel, shit hurts. But I can't fix what's broken, if that's what you're asking for."

Why? Why is he saying these things? "I….can't fix me." I stuttered.

"I can't help you if you're not willing to help yourself. It will all just be one-sided…."

"Stop!" I yelled and slammed my hands on the steering wheel until they made tight painful fists. "I'm begging you! And...and you're just throwing it away!"

"No, I'm not throwing anything away but you need to fix you too. I can't fix you if you are not willing to do it as well. Honestly, I've never been very dependable and I guess the truth is I did want someone who would just lay down and take it, but that's not what I want from this, us. I want it to be give and take, both ways. But you're not willing to give the most important thing."

"And what's that, huh?" I snapped and looked at him.

"You're not willing to give yourself that break and help you recover, you want someone to do it for you, it's a lot to shoulder Nathaniel, I cannot do it alone."

"I...can't. I just…."

"You can..."

"You run too!"

"Nathaniel, I've ran, yes. But never from my parents. I stand up to my mom whether she likes it or not and you need to do the same."

"This is bullshit." I bit, but his deep sigh has me glaring at him again.

"Let's go in," His voice was thick with emotion, yet his eyes almost emptied of anything. They were blank, just like my heart in these few seconds. I wanted him to save me, because I can't save myself from my own torment. I needed Craig to take it all away and he was refusing to. Maybe I was wrong about everything, maybe we really aren't meant to be anything more than just fun in the sheets. I hated the feeling my thoughts gave me….and I hated that he was unwilling, or is that just me being the selfish asshole I always am? The spoiled brat. "Nathaniel, if you want things to change you need to change them. I can't decide things for you. You know I listen, I always do, but there's saying it and there's doing it and you only ever say things. You don't put things into action…."

"I do! I tried, I said that…"

"But you didn't, you ran away again. You gave up and let them think they've won. You need to voice it so loud. Say what you need to say and if they still don't accept it, then that's their problem. Then you can finally smile and give yourself that break because you finally stood up to them, then you can walk away with your head held high and finally give yourself that break. Then you'll realize you can finally move past it all."

"I...I'm sorry…" I mumbled.

"Come here," he whispered and pulled me into his arms. "I'm sorry too. I want to give you everything Nathaniel, but I need you to try too," I couldn't seem to hold back the sea of tears and broke down in his arms. "....I love you."

I gasped and my hands gripped his t-shirt. He said I love you. He….he loves me. "....I…."

"I know baby. Let's do this together. Two is stronger than one." He does want to save me. He's right, I need to save me too. I have to try, for him and more for me. I can do it and I'm definitely letting him mark me, permanently. Heart body and soul.