I didn’t have sleep paralysis at night from then on, but I just couldn’t sleep. I was used to being so tired all the time, so this was quite troubling. I wanted to go outside and roam around when it was still midnight. I was being changed. Music would not leave my mind.
But I didn’t go outside again for awhile. I didn’t go back to ‘Sori Soundscape’ either. I tried my best not to make eye contact with Sori. I was afraid of change coming to my life. I thought I had no interest in life for sure, but humans instinctively fear change when they find it. I did what I always did. I read and wrote. I tried to distance myself from music. To maintain the ‘present’ - to protect my ‘present’.
But I couldn’t even write like I had before. The reason I could write all the time was because I was always negative. To be more specific, I used my inferiority to fuel my creativity. One of the most effective motivators for writing is the will to ‘prove’ oneself. In a word, spite. The urge to say ‘suck it!’ to everyone who looked down on me, or told me ‘there’s no way you can do that’, or looked at me with doubtful eyes - that’s why I wrote. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I disagree. Revenge is a burning will. That, to me, was writing.
But every time I would remember Song Sori’s voice, those thoughts became meaningless. I could not cry even if I wanted to, and nothing would come out even when I wanted to scream. My heart would start pounding all of a sudden and my body became paralysed. My head began to heat up and my legs shook. Energy would store itself in my heart but I could not let it out.
So I decided to write a poem instead. I don’t read poems. They seemed too formulaic and limiting. Writing prose made me feel free. But it seemed like what I needed at that point was a ‘restriction.’ And by writing a poem, I could turn the music inside my head into something I could perceive.
The following is a poem that I wrote back then.
The heart is stopped
Breathing is stopped
But the crybaby
Is standing still
Afraid she would be had herself
If she were to help
The crybaby
Runs away
For even the stamping feet
Or the pouring tears
End up being useless
If you don’t know how to say ‘help’.
When the crybaby
Becomes an adult
The heart is stopped
And breathing is stopped.
It was mostly written in a ‘stream of consciousness’. So I tried rhyming near the beginning then gave up. (It’s one of my first poems ever. Give me a break.) The third bar is especially too wordy that it just reads like a novel. So I started the bar with “For ~” to give it a sort of poetic edge. And by reminding the first bar with the last, I gave the impression that I had thought it out all along, making it seem smart.
I would soon fall into an ocean of words. I almost drowned to death, but I learned how to swim my way out. I kept writing. I heard music. I didn’t know at the time, but what I was writing out was that music. I was writing an idea known as ‘Song Sori’.
-
This happened a few days after I had started writing poems. During break time in school, I was once again staring at my desk. I started to count the ringing in my head with my fingers. One, two, three, four, one, two, three - One two, three, four, one, two, three... I started to hypnotize myself by repeating this rhythm.
At first I only did it in my head. Then soon, my head was nodding along to the beat. My leg dropped in at one, two, one two, and my fingers naturally moved along to the other beat - two, four, two four. This is how the music conquered over my mind. I soon entered a subconscious state. Keeping up this beat had become like breathing for me.
In this subconsciousness, I was thinking of words. It was like what a rapper would do. (I’ve never listened to rap though.) I would then also start whispering these words to myself. My head started churning out these rhymes. ‘Summer is a burning heat / Plotting its deceitful cheat / Flirting with an added treat’... These words turned into a spell. I fell into a complete trance, building castles in the air.
Someone ran into me. I fell down on the floor easily because I wasn’t putting much strength into my body. It seemed that the person who ran into me didn’t fall. I stared at the floor while face down. I was still in a trance state, so it took some time to realize what happened. I internalized the situation that just occurred around when I could hear my breathing again.
I held on to the floor with my hands and stood up. As I stood up, I saw Song Sori standing to the side too. When I turned around, I saw the boy I ran into and some who seemed to be his friends. They were looking at me, holding up their hand, and saying something. I’m not sure what I was even doing when I ran into him, but I didn’t care. I realized my sight was becoming blurry. I also realized after blinking a few times that I couldn’t hear anything. I couldn’t hear anything except for my own breathing. Not just what they were saying, but also the beat I’d been hearing. Fear creeped into my heart. I started clicking my fingers to confirm. I couldn’t even feel my fingers clicking. The boys in front of me stopped saying anything and stared at me with a confused look on their faces.
That’s when I started hearing not a beat or rhythm but a noise in my head. It was like a ringing you’d hear when a bomb goes off. The volume of the noise soon grew exponentially. The noise seized my breathing. My pupils grew and my legs were shaking. My blurred sight started becoming darker. My head was aching and I felt my heart begin to beat faster. The terrible noise was like a scream. It was screaming for me, because I could not do it myself.
The noise stopped when Song Sori grabbed my shoulder. I turned my head to her. I could hear my breathing again. The next thing I slowly started to hear were voices. I turned my head to those boys. Only the one who had ran into me was still looking at me.
“Are you okay, Sia?” Song Sori put her hand off my shoulder and asked me. “Need to go to the nurse’s office?”
I gulped and looked at her face. That boy - and everyone else too - were looking at me confused, but Song Sori was making a worried expression. There was something warm but sharp in her eye, something that realized something serious was going on. I kept trying to say something but my voice wouldn’t come out yet.
So I closed my eyes and ran out of the classroom. The last thing that I realized when I closed my eyes - was that I was crying. I could even feel the warmth of my tears. I didn’t know what these feelings were about. I tried to organize them, but I couldn’t express it in words. If I had to put it to words now, I’d say it was a ‘killing urge’. It was not an urge born from rage or despair. But as I was hearing that noise, I certainly wanted to murder someone. But I can’t really speak much about that. You’ll understand later. For now, that’s all I’ll say.
I always realize things one step too late.
-
I silently went into my classroom again the next class. I avoided that boy deliberately. He didn’t come up to me either. I think that was peace.
After school, I attempted to run away immediately. But as I expected, Song Sori called me from behind. I had no choice but to stand still.
“Sia.” Song Sori tried to show me a smile. “Are you free today?”
I didn’t say anything. I just looked at her. Sunlight shined through the window, lighting the distance between us. Song Sori soon gave up waiting for an answer.
“Wanna come over to my home today?”
Song Sori put her hands behind her pack. Some of the girls who were leaving said something like, “what the heck, even I’ve never been there!” Sori showed them a smile too. I couldn’t smile. I just froze there, still. I didn;’t say anything. Actually, I didn’t make any sound from my mouth. After the music died, my voice died alongside it.
I lowered my head. Sori said “Is this... a yes?”. Then I raised my head again. This looks like I had nodded. At least, it did to her. Come to think of it now, Sori was most likely looking for any excuse to bring me along. Sori laughed and came up to me to hold my two hands. “Let’s go!” I was puzzled. I could not properly process the situation. Sori’s hands were so warm. That’s when I finally could muster up a sound that went “yes”.
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