This is a poem I wrote before the end of summer.
Spring, summer, autumn, winter
And the one which hurt the most
Summer, stuck as memories
I can only feel the deep scent of nostalgia
Summer is a burning heat
Plotting its deceitful cheat
Flirting with an added treat
I can only feel the deep scent of nostalgia
That is autumn’s optimism
That is the sky’s pessimism
That is everybody’s escapism
I can only feel the deep scent of nostalgia
That was your voice
That was life-changing music
That was the road you walk
I can only feel the deep scent of nostalgia
Summer is a broken memory
Learned wisdom and its treachery
Confessions of a tear, a reverie
I can only feel the deep scent of nostalgia
Spring, summer, autumn and winter
And that which I loved the most
Your ark, singing dyslexia
That deep scent of nostalgia.
-
This is a weird thing to admit, but I never knew what touching someone felt like until then. My family is not particularly abnormal, but we aren’t exactly comprised of social people. I never received much physical affection from them growing up. But maybe too little of that stuff is better than too much. My mom didn’t really express love in that way, except for when she would grab my arm in a crowd. (Not my hand; my arm. Mom was a weird person) Of course, I heard plenty of verbal affection. That’s why I grew up into such a cunt. It probably wasn’t her fault though.
So on our way from school, I was going to the record store with Song Sori. I followed her footsteps and saw her back. Her hair was around chest length, and it let out a sheen when the summer sunlight shined on it. The shoulders of many people passed by, yet the only thing on my mind was the girl in front of me. I never would’ve gone through such a crowded route in the past.
We saw a crosswalk and stood next to each other. When I stood next to her like this, my heart would pound so hard that I could die. Not even thinking about couples; even if you’re just friends, when she’s right next to you and you can’t even see her, what do you even do? Just don’t say anything? Sometimes give her a look or something? Or maybe just act ‘natural’. I had no idea what these words even meant.
The progression of how I saw Song Sori went as thus: ‘Irritating girl -> Weird girl -> ??? -> The girl I like” - up until that point. In every stage, I sort of saw her as someone not in the same realm as mine. Standing next to her needs no explanation; even seeing her was such an abnormal environment. So the fact that we can stand by each other as ‘friends’ - that we can be on equal footing - it was so confusing. Especially because in my heart, I knew I wanted to take this relationship one level further.
As we waited for the red light to turn green, my tension would heighten.
When it was almost time, I tried to move my steps but felt some sort of weight being wrapped around my left arm. When I turned my head, what I saw was Song Sori linking her arms with mine. It was already a hot day, but my left arm started to feel like it’s burning. The heat went all the way up to my head. I could picture my face getting redder in my head. Before I could finish that thought, I pushed away Song Sori’s arm and got her off of me.
The light turned green and the people around us started going ahead first. Song Sori didn’t look offended; just confused. I didn’t mind us doing stuff like that. I even wanted to hold hands with her. But when I thought about doing something like that with so many other people around, I suddenly reacted with disgust. It was a kind of self deprecation - how dare someone like me be seen with Song Sori like that? If there’s something funny though, it’s that nobody looked when we crossed arms. But when I pushed her away so dramatically, that’s when I could start to actually feel people’s gazes.
“Hey!” I raised my voice.
“Yeah?” Song Sori laughed and tilted her head. “What’s up, Sia? Don’t like touching?”
“People are looking...”
“Oh yeah~”
Song Sori laughed even louder. Then she held my hand like she was snatching it away from me, and brought her face close. I instinctively stepped back. I thought I was going to fold, but she held on even tighter for me. I remembered the first time Song Sori reached her hand out to me. That time, she grabbed my arm and pulled me around, but this was the first time we could feel each other’s warmth like this. My world became white. The only thing I could see was that exultant face of hers.
“That’s the point.”
That’s when I learned what it felt like to touch someone. Love was soft, and warm.
-
We were overlooking the Han River.
To us, who lived in the city, the vastness of the Han River was our only impression of nature. When you looked down at the emerald green hue of its flow, it felt like you were being hypnotized. It was by no means a sanitary river. It was dark and polluted. Once the novelty of ‘living near the Han River’ dissipated, no merit remained. So I didn’t come often.
But she - Song Sori - loved this river. She had brought me there, of course. She used to say. “Inside the Han River are memories. It’s flown for thousands of years, accumulating history. But I don’t mean the history you see in books, of great men and women. You can observe people’s everydays in these waters. What these people did in this place across all these years. In a way, looking at this river is like listening to a song. When you listen to a song, you cry at things that are no big deal. People like you, or me, can put their stories into song, and we can understand those stories like we’ve lived it. You look at the Han River and you understand other lives.”
Then, after speaking for such a long time, she laughed, saying, “Or is that so?” I never took my eyes off of her while I listened. Not even for a moment. After that, Song Sori got embarrassed, and grabbed my hand to pull me away to the Han River.
So we sat at that hill which overlooked the Han River, watching the river flow.
“This time will pass, too.” Song Sori said.
“Do you want that?” I said.
“That’s not it.” She smiled. “But when that time comes, I don't want to have to cry.”
“I’ll never leave you.”
She laughed. “Thank you. I didn’t mean you’d do that.”
“Then what do you mean? Tell me.” I kept asking her, which was unlike me.
“I don’t know. I think your thoughts would be more fun to hear.”
“I wouldn’t think it strange if you were to stop talking to me. Someone like me doesn’t deserve to be with a person like you.”
“Don’t say that!” Sori raised her voice. Her face turned serious. “Sia, you’re amazing... Your fault is that you always take words at face value. But the way you find emotions like that is cool, too. I can’t do that. I can’t turn other people’s thoughts into my own.”
“Is that so.”
“I don’t want to leave you. I want to believe you feel the same.”
“Of course.”
“But nothing lasts forever... I know that well.”
“Who said that? I need to file a complaint.”
“Haha...” Sori let out a laugh, a weak one. “You would have to file it to me.”
“That’s impossible, then.”
As we watched the Han River, we had a moment of silence. I looked at Song Sori’s eyes. The flow of the river was being reflected on her eyes. In them was a kind of wisdom that I could not describe in words. I felt like she was speaking from experience.
“If one of us has to leave...”
Song Sori said.
“Then let’s forget together.”
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