I spent all morning in bed. I was tired, but not only. I didn’t want to wake up. I had made a cool dream, on all my class back in Holland.
I’m watching a film, a French humoristic film on war. Mom and Dad let me watch a lot of movies, knowing that in a few months I’ll only be able to hear, which for a film, is quite… disturbing. My brother is at his friend’s house, and my parents in the garden. My cat comes on the sofa next to me. I love my cat. She (yeah, I'll say she, it’s not correct but I can’t call her “it” like I call my sofa) had an accident when she was quite young, and now has a problem with her hind legs. I know she’s a cat, but still, she understands what it is to be disabled and having a problem and that sorts of comforts me. The film ends, and I check my messages. Sam is so thrilled, she kissed a boy for the first time in her life. Guess I’m glad for her. During the holidays, she is going to Corsica, and will come back in August, we plan a “meeting” 1 week before the ‘school start’. I’m not going anywhere, only to my grand parents house. You must think, ok, this girl is getting blind and she doesn’t go for it, doesn’t go anyway during her last holidays?! No, no, my parents asked me if I wanted to go somewhere special, and I said that it didn’t matter, seeing my grand parents would be enough to make me happy. But, now, thinking even more, there’s a place where I’d want to go. Of course, stupid as I am, I didn’t think of it before. However, I think it’s still possible, we go by car so no plane tickets problem. I’ll ask my parents, they’ll obviously say yes. I go back to my bedroom, I want to stay in bed. My Mom comes in a few minutes later.
“Hey! Was your film nice? Don’t you want to go outside, it’s sunny”
- “Yep, it was quite funny. No, I’ll go this afternoon. Mom, I just wanted to ask you something. You know, when you said that we could go somewhere this summer, I said it was ok. But, I was thinking and there’s maybe a place where I’d like to go.
- “But Alex, it’s probably too late now, we won’t find any flights. Why didn’t you ask before?”
- “I said I was just thinking this morning, and I didn’t think of it before that’s all. And why do you think I’d ask, if I’d know it wouldn’t be possible anymore? No, I want to go to Holland. See my friends one last time. We go by car, there’s no problem.”
- “To Holland? I thought of a country you’d never been to before. Alex, I know they’re your friends but… maybe they’ve changed school, or moved to another country. If they’re your friends, why didn’t you stay in touch with them? And you won’t see them, we’re in holidays, they surely went somewhere. I don’t really understand why you want to go. Isn’t there a love story behind all this?”
- “Mom! They’re just my friends! I stayed in touch, but Mike doesn’t answer me anymore, neither does Louise, but I do still send emails to Chris. There’s no love story, I already said I wasn’t in love with Chris anymore. You said we’d go anywhere I’d like, please Mom!”
I’m nearly shouting at her, even though I don’t want to seem rude. I know I can blame only myself and no one else. It’s my fault.
- “Alex… you just said they were not responding, there’s only Chris talking to you. And if you’re not in love with him anymore, I don’t see the point of going. You saw him last year, it’s not a long time ago. We’ll go see your grand parents, that’s what you wanted, don’t you remember?”
- “Yes, I remember, but we can go only 1 week to Holland, that won’t cost us anything, 1 week! I know we went there last year but don’t we go to grandpa and grandma’s house every month? Family, friends, it’s the same thing, it comes with the heart. Mom, please!”
I’m starting to lose hope. Why, why did I have to be so stupid?
- “Alex, you know there’s no reason going, think and you’ll see. Friends? It doesn’t mean you have spent 7 years with them they’re friends. Because friends respond, want news and would have liked to spend time with you last year. Have they done any of this? No. I know it’s maybe hurtful to say, but look, it’s only the truth. Maybe good classmates, that’s all. Forget it. I’m going to cook pasta for lunch, and go outside this afternoon, ok?”
- “Mom! You said…”
- “I said, but not a place like this. Now, don’t annoy me with this any longer”
No! How can she say this! She doesn’t even care. What are you supposed to do when even your family drops you there, leaving you behind? Ok, it’s my fault, not hers, but I can’t help feeling abandoned and angry.
- “…go out!!!! You’ll never understand. No, never, you’ll never know what it is to be blind and not to see anymore. Just leave me alone. Leave me alone!!! Don’t want to see you. And don’t come back. Don’t bring Dad. Don’t bring anyone. Get out now! Now!” It must sound a little babyish, but when you’re angry you just don’t really think before saying things.
- “Alex… Calm down…”
- “Go out! See, you don’t understand”
Tears running down. I didn’t choose. Why me? I’m alone. So Lonely. And I’m fighting. For who am I even fighting? Surely for someone. Someone who is worth fighting. Someone I love. I need to see him… I need to…