CW, TW fatphobia
“So, let me get this straight,” Alice started, moving her spoon in circles in her latte macchiato, “you met a man who checks everything you like in a man, and you’re asking me for advices?”
Jude nodded. “I thought, since you’ve dated more people than I ever would, maybe you could help me see things clearer?”
“And you want to speak about this here, in the cafeteria, where a bunch of students can hear us?” She looked around her, frowned at the sight of a group of students who had put their feet on the table, before looking back at him. “Who are you and what have you done to my Jude? I thought speaking about your personal life in public makes you uncomfortable.”
He sighed as his forehead met the table. “It’s our only free hour in common today and I really, really wanted to talk about this,” he paused, then raised his eyes on her, “problem of mine.”
It was true that speaking in public – about his personal life or even about anything else – made him feel like millions of eyes were drawn on him. The cafeteria wasn’t the best place for this on the campus, but Jude had thought that since it was hot and sunny today, other students would take advantages of this and spend their free time outside. Right now, he wished it had been the case.
“Don’t worry, I’ll help you,” she squeezed his hand, “as much as I can! So, what exactly do you want to know?”
For a moment, he thought that maybe now was the best moment to avoid this whole discussion and run far away from here. That he shouldn’t have asked her, shouldn’t have mentioned the fact that it was possible that someone had caught his interest. Maybe if he pretended he needed to pee, then flee to his next lesson, maybe she would forget about it and none of them would ever talk about it. But deep down, a part of him knew he couldn’t back down. He needed help, needed answers, needed to know if it was absurd to have a crush on someone he barely knew. After all, Jude was a master of having a crush on strangers.
“How do you know it’s love with a big L, and not just an infatuation?”
“You’ve been in love before, you should feel the same things as before.”
“And yet, look where it led me.” He let out before his forehead met the table again. “The few guys I’ve dated, all turned out to be assholes and you know how much I loved every single one of them.”
“Look at me honey,” Alice cupped his cheeks when he raised his head, “remember that it wasn’t your fault. Your feelings were sincere, they used that against you.”
“I know,” he kissed her palm, “I guess I’m just scared. Overthinking again, I mean, we’re not even friends!” A laugh escaped his mouth. Nervous, with a tint of pain.
“Do I know him?”
“No. Why?”
“I’m just making sure you don’t still have feelings for Alex.”
It was funny how a simple name still felt like a knife slicing his heart after all this time. “No, it’s not Alex, and no I don’t think you know him. But Terry does.”
“Interesting, you have to tell me more about that guy.” She winked. “But to answer your question, to me, I know I’m in love with the big L when I can’t stop thinking about them. When each moment spent with them feels too short, too quick, and you only want to stop time so you can keep on talking with them.” She drank the remaining of her latte in one gulp and smiled to him. “You know, I may have dated a lot of people until now, but not a lot of these dates were out of pure love. Try to get his number first, then try to snap a picture of his booty so I can tell you if he’s worth it or not.”
“I can’t believe you always find something fun to say during serious conversations.” He laughed, and Alice followed him. If one day he’d manage to have his ass on his phone, in no way was he going to share that picture with anyone. Not even his friends.
“I can be serious when I want. Like, I don’t care who you’re dating, might date in the future. As long as it won’t be Alex.”
He sighed. “I told you it’s not Alex. I have learnt my lesson.”
“You sure ‘bout that?”
If learning his lesson meant being careful around men that looked too confident, thought too highly of themselves, and pretended to share his feelings only to get a good fuck in return, then yes, Jude had learnt it. A year and a half had passed since Alex had dumped him, and since that time, Jude’s heart still had a hole. It wasn’t easy for him to trust other men anymore in a romantic situation, wasn’t easy to believe their words when some had said they were interested in him. And now that he still had that crush on Armin, he didn’t even trust his own heart. In the end, was it really love? Or did Jude feel that way only because Armin had been nice to him when he had bumped into him, and at the tattoo shop? Maybe this was Jude’s problem; catching feelings for people who showed him kindness. After all, he had only known that feeling from his friends. His ex-boyfriends had only wanted one thing from him, even before Alex.
Waving at Alice as she disappeared inside the lecture hall, he wondered what he should do now. He still had one hour of free time, maybe he could go home and rest a bit, play with his kitten before coming back here. Or, and this was the serious student in him talking, he could go to the library and study as their end-of-year exams were getting closer. A little voice in his head told him to go home and rest, he deserved it, had worked hard these past weeks and needed to rest from time to time. But there also was that other voice telling him that if he wasn’t studying 24/7, he would fail his year and disappoint his family a little more. And this was the last thing Jude wanted.
The second floor of the library was his favourite spot in this entire building. Quiet, not too full of students, and no sun hitting the windows at this hour of the day. Jude hated Spring and its heat, its flowers blooming worsening his allergies, and people being all lovey-dovey because they said that with Spring came love. If they could have the same weather all year than in fall, Jude wouldn’t mind.
Sitting at his usual place, near a window, Jude put his stuff on the table, and looked outside. A few clouds painted the sky in white, some with bizarre shapes he tried to find a meaning, other looking like cotton. In the distance, trees were swaying in rhythm with the wind, ravens trying to find their place on branches. Groups of students lazying in the grass, their voices and laughs so loud they reached the library. Something Jude hated; if he was here, it was to seek quiet and peace, not hear a bunch of students laugh like whales and witness them make out like rabbits in heat. For a moment, he regretted not taking Japanese as an optional course. He would have been with Alice, not here witnessing such scenes. But each time he saw her notes, Jude was glad he didn’t choose it. It looked hard to learn, and he wasn’t in the mood this year to put another challenge on his list. For now, he had more important things to do than complain about not being with his friends and seeing people being a little too happy and romantic to his liking.
Half an hour had passed when arms found their way around his shoulders, and a familiar scent tickled his nose. The same scent that had had the gift to make his head spin. The same scent he had learnt to hate.
“I knew I’d find you here.” A shiver ran down his spine as this deep voice whispered into his ear before kissing it. Then, a hand made him turn his head, and before Jude could say anything, lips made sure no words would escape his mouth.
Jude couldn’t move, even though he wanted his body to react. Push him away and punch his pretty face, then ran far away from here. But Jude couldn’t, and hated it. Hated it, but missed his kisses. Missed his perfume, missed the simple sight of him, missed his green eyes speckled with brown, his grin he wanted to tear off his face. As much as Jude hated Alex, saying that a part of him hadn’t missed him was a lie.
His story with Alex couldn’t even be called a story. It had never been like all the fairy tales he had read, or like the cheesy movies he had seen. At first, maybe, but the more time he had spent with Alex, the more he had refused to see how wicked Alex was.
Alex was a couple of years older than him, was now a PhD student, and had taken the same optional course as Jude when they’d met. If Jude had known how things would have become between them, he would have never talked to him. But of course, the more they had talked together during and after classes, the more Jude had realised how charming that man was. Pretty, kind, helpful, the perfect Prince Charming. One thing had led to another, and one night after their lesson, Alex had kissed him on his doorstep.
They had been dating for a while until things between them had gotten more intimate. And when Jude had let him spread his legs, when he had let him see stars behind his closed eyes, when he had believed his words, his many ‘I love you’s, Jude had been far away from imagining what that first night would mean for him.
“Man, I can’t believe I’ve won that bet.” Jude remembered the scene as if it happened yesterday.
“What bet?” He had asked, a part of him still savouring the sensation of Alex’s skin against his own, another telling him that something was wrong.
“My best friend challenged me to fuck you within six months, said I’d never do it because I’m not into fatties.” Without a glance towards him, Alex had put his clothes back on, as quickly as he had tossed them on the floor. “Did it within three, did it only for the cash. Look, if you want to have fun again, you know where to find me just, hide your face next time.”
And with these last words, he had left Jude alone on his bed. Alone with his tears and broken heart. Alone with his trust shattered into millions of pieces. Alone with the thought that he was only good to entertain people like Alex.
The kiss left a bitter taste in his mouth when Alex sat in front of him, forefinger brushing his lips. He was still grinning, still looking at him as if Jude was nothing more than a piece of meat he would love to bite into. If Jude had known he would find him here, he would have spent this hour at home, but he knew that avoiding him on campus had never been an easy thing. Somehow, Alex always found him.
“What do you want,” Jude asked as he put his stuff back into his bag, tried to ignore his eyes burning holes on his body.
“Aw you don’t even say ‘hello’ anymore? Did you miss me? Or is it true that you’ve already replaced me?” He winked.
“Fuck off Alex.”
“Oh, the rumours are true! You did replace me!”
“What rumours?” Around them, a few students gave them a dirty look as Alex wasn’t the most discreet person in this library.
“I have a friend who told me he heard that you have a crush on somebody, that you asked a certain ginger-haired girl about love.” Seeing that Jude had turned pale and didn’t deny him, he added, “I can’t believe you’re in love with another man.”
“That’s none of your concerns.”
“Please babe, I’m only here to warn you, you know I only wish for your happiness.”
“Don’t call me like that.”
“Remember what I told you,” Alex ignored him, “remember that no one can love someone like you. Just look at yourself, who would want to be seen in public with,” he showed him with his hands, “this?”
Jude bit the inside of his cheeks. The words weren’t supposed to hurt that much, he was supposed to be used to hearing them by now. But he didn’t know if they hurt because they came from Alex, or because he was right. As much as he wanted to cry and scream, Jude didn’t let him see his tears.
“You know, if that guy rejects you, and he will,” Alex leaned on his forearms, his face too close to Jude’s, “my proposition still stands. I’d be happy to make you scream all night.”
The sound of his hand against Alex’s cheek made every other student turn their head towards them. And without giving him time to talk again, Jude ran out of the library.
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