Greg was usually a heavy sleeper. He was proud of the fact he had slept through a major California earthquake in his youth. He claimed if a chainsaw-wielding serial killer paraded around his room he wouldn’t wake up. He’d been put to the test many times, and he passed. Tonight, he was tested again. For the first time in his life, he failed.

Greg thought he felt something soft touch his cheek. He rubbed it and turned over. A moment later, he felt another graze, a little rougher this time but still soft like a mother’s kiss. He muttered to Bert to let Daddy sleep. The straw that broke the camel’s back was a high pitched male voice shouting, “It’s Britney, bitch!” Greg sat up, startled, and clutched his chest.

Damien also sat up, being a light sleeper himself. Even Bert woke up but wanted no part of whatever craziness was happening.. “What’s up?”

“Did you hear that?” Greg scanned the room for a sign of an intruder, but there was none. “Someone just shouted in my ear about Britney.” He turned to his boyfriend and saw the quizzical expression on his face. “You didn’t hear it?” He frowned as Damien shook his head. “That’s messed up if you’re fucking with me.”

“Sorry, I didn’t hear…” The word ‘anything’ caught in his throat as a blurry blue vision appeared at the foot of the bed. He rubbed his eyes, and the vision became more apparent. “Divi?”

“Finally! You noticed!” Divinity said.

Greg’s ears perked up as he heard that. “Is he here? I don’t see him, but I can hear him.”

Damien’s eyes widened. “I can’t hear him, but I can see him. Umm, wait…” He stood up and approached the apparition.. “Are you a ghost? Why are you a ghost?”

“Divi’s dead?” Greg shot out of bed and rushed to Damien, stepping through Divi’s incorporeal body. “The hell! What’s he wearing?”

“What does that matter?” Divinity shouted.

“I’ve always wondered what you’d be caught dead in.” Greg couldn’t resist a giggle.

“You’re so cruel,” Damien and Divi said in unison.

Greg shrugged apologetically. “How did you get dead, then?”

Divi sighed and went to sit on the edge of the bed but fell right through. He stood up and groaned. “I don’t know. I was on my way to meet this guy from Grindr. I got to his apartment and POOF! I’m a ghost.”

“Wait, you’re hooking up during a pandemic?” Greg didn’t know whether he was disappointed or impressed. Then another question came to him. “Wait, you actually found a top who could host? Wow. You hit the jackpot.”

Divi glowered at him and shouted, “Does it look like I hit the jackpot?”

“Technically, no. I can’t see you.”

“Don’t be a dick, Greg. What is he saying?” Damien asked. He saw how upset Divi was but was only hearing one side of the conversation and seeing the other. “Was he hooking up with someone?”

“He was going to but never got to seal the deal. He was dead on arrival.” Greg didn’t even intend to make the puns, but they were just coming to him. He couldn’t let them go to waste.

“We have to figure out who killed Divi and stop him,” Damien said, suddenly energized. “If we can figure out how Divi died, maybe we can reverse it.”

“Or help him cross over,” Greg added. “Do you think John Edwards does house calls?”

Damien and Divi ignored the comment. “Do you think you can take us to your trick’s apartment? Maybe we can find some clues!” Divi nodded. “Excellent, let’s go!”

Greg snorted as he got dressed. “I guess we’ll just have to pick up Daphne and Velma on the way, right?” He felt a cold chill run down his back. “Did Divi just smack me?”

“Yeah,” Damien replied, amused.

“Bitch.”

Everyone, including Bert, got into Damien’s car and drove downtown to the Lister Apartments. The building was a tall, black spire recently built with the recent gentrification push to attract more affluent and younger people downtown. Without the white lights lining the edges, the Lister Apartments would be invisible. It gave Greg the creeps, or it could have been Divi messing with him again.

“So, which apartment is it?” Greg asked. He waited until Damien made a move before he followed them. The building had thick glass double doors that led to a gray and black lobby with a white marble tile floor. An elevator was the only thing in the lobby.

“You can’t get into the elevator until someone buzzes you in.” Divi pointed to the panel full of lit buttons with folks’ names written in black sharpie written beside them.

“So which one was the trick’s?” Greg asked.

Divi moaned as he read the names. “None of these look familiar. I mean, I can’t remember.” He pressed his face into the panel, only to faze right through it. He pulled his head out and shook it. “I hate that.”

Damien gave him a sympathetic look. “Too bad we’re not paranormal investigators. We’d have all the right equipment for this.”

“Who you gonna call?” Greg chuckled.

Divi crossed his arms and continued to glare.

“Could you take this a little more seriously, please? Your best friend was just brutally murdered, and you got jokes.”

“For days.” Greg looked at the list of names and zeroed in on ‘Balthazar.’ He was instantly sure this was the one based on the fact it sounded like a warlock name. “This one.” He was about to push it when Damien slapped his hand away. “What?”

“Divi looked horrified, so I thought I figured it might be the way he died.” Damien held Greg’s hand tightly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” They gazed into each other’s eyes for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Divi coughed and sighed loud enough to disrupt Greg. “I’d call a Lyft if I could, but I can’t since I'm dead and all.”

“Right.” Greg pressed the name below Balthazar’s, ‘K. Genossa.’ An elderly woman’s voice spoke through a tinny speaker.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Ms. Genossa,” Greg started, using his best customer service voice.

“Mrs. Genossa,” she replied harshly. “I’m a happily married woman.”

“And I’m happy for you, ma’am. I’m trying to reach your neighbor Balthazar, but he’s not answering his phone or his little buzzer thingy. I’m really worried about him.”

“Thingy?” Damien mouthed in confusion. Greg shrugged and waved him off.

“I was hoping you might buzz me in so I can check on him.” Greg winked at Damien and gave him a thumbs-up as the buzzer rang. The elevator door slid open and allowed them access. “I’m smoother than peanut butter, baby.”

“Ugh,” Damien and Divi said as they entered the elevator.

The elevator rose and deposited them on the eighth floor. Greg memorized the warlock’s apartment number: 808. If this guy indeed killed Divi, Greg was hoping to give this guy some beats of his own.

Greg led the way to Apartment 808 and knocked on the door before anyone could stop him. He stared at Damien, daring him to say something. The door opened before anything could be said.

The buff man took up the entire doorway. He stared down at them as he attempted to fold his beefy arms, but his biceps were too large to allow this. “What you want?” he barked.

Damien struggled to say something but was too overcome by the sheer size of the man towering above them. “I, uh… Have you…”

Greg shook his head and said, “Do you have time to listen to listen to me whine about everything and nothing all at once?”

Balthazar stood there in shock for a few seconds. This gave Greg the time he needed to push past the man and slip into the apartment. “No!” he shouted, but it was too late. Greg was already in the living room, staring at Divi’s dead body sprawled out on a shoddy Oriental rug.

Greg snickered as he gazed upon Divi’s outfit: tight leopard print skinny jeans, a brown crop top, purple lipstick, purple eyeshadow, topped off with glitter. “Gurl…”

“Shut up, you bitch!” Divi called from the hallway.

Balthazar stomped into the room toward Greg, pounding his fists menacingly. “You shouldn’t have seen that. Now it-”

“...be the last thing I’ll ever see? Bored now.” Greg wasn’t scared of this meathead. He waited until Balthazar got close enough to zip between his thighs, which was more difficult than he anticipated due to their thickness. He gurgled as he felt them tightened around his face. “I thought thick thighs were supposed to save lives,” he muttered.

“You still got jokes?” Divi asked, floating into the room. He watched Greg struggle with a slight smile.

“For days,” Greg croaked. He tried to pull his head out from between the Thick Thighs of Doom, but he was having no luck.

Damien came up behind Balthazar with a folding chair and smacked him on the head. Nothing happened at first, but then the thighs loosened, and Balthazar fell forward, face-first into Divi's spotted crotch.

Greg gasped for air as he stood up and massaged his neck. He looked down at the felled man and snorted. “Looks like you got some action after all. Too bad, you had to die first.”

Damien set the chair on the floor and backed against the wall. “Do you think if you just lay back down into your body, you might live again?” Divi shrugged his shoulders.

“It’s worth a shot,” he replied. “I’m gonna love this.” Divi floated over to his body and laid down. He closed his eyes and hoped it would take. After a minute, nothing happened. “I guess I’m dead for good.”

Greg placed his hands on his hips and sighed. “Then how come you haven’t crossed over? Maybe something is keeping you here, like unfinished business.”

“You mean besides the fact I didn’t even get to smash?” Divi sat up in his body and winked at Damien, knowing it would upset Greg.

“Oh, now you got jokes.” Greg smirked.

Damien began to search the apartment, looking for anything that would look spooky and unnatural. On the dining room table, he found a glass amulet shaped like a twenty-sided die. Inside it was a blue light that swirled around its prison. “You think this might be it?” Greg nodded.

Damien gave it a once over before throwing it to the floor. It shattered, releasing the blue light into the air. It zipped across the room, through Divi’s spirit, and into his body.

Both men jumped back as Divi’s body came back to life, gasping for air. Divi’s ghost was gone; the original was back and better than ever. He shoved Balthazar off of him and sat up. “What a dick.”

Greg offered his hand to help Divi up, which was accepted. The two stared at each other before they embraced in a hug.

“Thanks for helping me! I wasn’t sure you would,” Divi said.

Greg smiled and lowered his gaze. “That’s my fault you felt that way. You’re my friend, of course, I’d help you.” They continued to hug until they heard Balthazar moan. “As much as I’d like to continue this Gilmore Girls moment, we should probably go.”

The three friends made themselves scarce and ran back to the elevator. On the way down, Greg patted Divi on the shoulder and asked, “And what did we learn tonight?”

Divi rolled his eyes. “Not to hook up with strangers you meet on the internet.”

“That’s right, because the last time you did, you literally got ghosted.” Greg laughed the loudest among the three of them. They exited the Lister Apartments building, making sure Divi knew he would never live this down as long as he lived. Divi assured him that he would be more careful, but the thirst continues.