-1-
Some old memories are like being crumpled by the wind, finely divided, floating in the memories, more disturbing than catkins, accidentally entering from the nostrils into the trachea, you have to choke tears.
I don't know if everyone has done something that can't be saved when they are young, but at least I am. In my barren youth, I was holding that old driftwood and undulating on the surface of the water, not knowing when I would fall into the water.
My family is not rich, it can even be said to be poor. When I was in junior high school, I had never been able to invite my classmates to play at my home. I was afraid that people would see the tattered furniture at home. My self-esteem was as fragile as thin glass. After barely finishing junior high school, I applied for a vocational school in a nearby city.
On the night of the grades, my mother called me to the living room and asked me if I was admitted to high school, if I wanted to.
When I said I wanted to go, she immediately put on a sad expression. I understand that she is not pushing me, but her expression is enough to explain everything.
"Then I will go to a vocational school, study for a few years and come out for an internship, and I can make some money."
I know this is the answer she wants to hear.
At that time, there was a college in the next city. After graduating from junior high school, you could just study for five years and get a diploma. At that time, I didn't think there was anything in the undergraduate degree. I felt that compared with the exhausting study in high school, it was better to go to society early and earn some money for the family.
That's what I thought back then. The original intention is always like this, and the thoughts are good, and I don't think I will regret it later.
-2-
In the second year of the vocational school, I met Han Lin.
At that time, the school atmosphere was very bad, and many students went out to sell. At that time, there were many cars parked in front of the school with mineral water, coke and other drinks in the cars. At that time, I didn’t understand, so I asked my roommate what it meant. She told me that mineral water is the cheapest, and Coke is slightly more expensive. Drinks like pulsating screams cost about 300 yuan a night. .
This is the case in the dormitory next door. I often go out for several nights and never come back. We all know what she is doing, and she will tell her roommate even when she comes back.
My family may only give me 400 yuan for living expenses a month, and I also know what 300 yuan meant to me at the time. But I can't take that step. I always think that it is enough to spend my days at school and find a job nearby when I can get an internship.
But such a price was really a temptation to me at the time.
I can resist this temptation, but I can't get past the WeChat that Han Lin sent me.
He found me from someone nearby.
At that time, WeChat Moments could not be set to be visible for three days. I always took a lot of beautiful photos of myself and put them in Moments. Many people from the same school gave me likes. I was always complacent and didn't take those photos. Deleted.
He added my friend and the first sentence he said to me was:
"Little sister, are you considering letting me take care of you?"
I was stunned, I didn't understand the meaning of his words.
"Keeping?" I thought he was joking.
"Yes, have you been in touch with this before?" He typed those words on the screen in a serious manner, and then sent them to me.
At that time, shortly after my eighteenth birthday, I was alone in a strange city, and I didn’t know how to go anywhere except school. Han Lin said that he can accompany me all these.
"What does it specifically mean?" I asked him out of curiosity.
"I give you money on a monthly basis, and then you stay with me."
In fact, I can also feel what he meant by accompany, but I was still a little confused and didn't know how to answer this kind of sudden question.
"how much is it?"
"It depends on your conditions. I used to raise a female college student with a height of 1.7 meters. She has a very good body and appearance. She accompanies me seven or eight times a month."
I understood then. Understand what he meant by seven or eight times.
four thousand. That was not a small sum for me at the time. I may not earn so much money working in a small clinic for a month, which is undoubtedly a huge sum of money for me.
I said I would think about it and show the chat log to a classmate I had a good relationship with at the time.
"Do you want to do this?" Her tone was as if it were just an ordinary high-paying job.
"I don't know, I have never done such a thing." I said truthfully.
I thought to myself that she would tell me that there is no need to sell her body and soul for four thousand dollars. But she didn't say that. She said she would go if she wanted to. There are more people doing this kind of thing. Even if I don't go, others will take advantage of it.
At that time, we were all less than twenty years old, and called this kind of thing "picking up the bargain".
-3-
"If I agree, will it be the same as those standing on the street?"
Finally, one night, I sent such a message to Han Lin.
"It's not the same. Nurture is for only one person, but for many people on the street."
Later, I couldn't understand why we used the most implicit language when we said such straightforward words. It's really strange.
"I can try." I said.
"Are you still a student?"
"Yes." I said.
The next afternoon, he drove to pick me up at the gate of my school. It was a white car. I remembered the logo, but I couldn't tell what brand it was. I just thought it was very high-end and looked far away.
He looks very clean, not the forty-year-old uncle I imagined. The stubble on his chin was shaved, as if he had dressed up in advance to see me. He wore a plaid striped suit and seemed to have a mature feeling of social elite. That was my first contact with people outside of school.
He let me sit in the co-pilot and buckled my seat belt.
"I rarely take a car." I said.
He said I must be joking with him. But in fact, I haven't even taken a taxi a few times. Sometimes from school to shopping mall, I always go to the crossroads and take the bus.
"Actually, the girls in your school don't have a good reputation." In the car, he looked for topics to chat with me.
"All right." I still feel embarrassed.
"Do you know what people outside say about you?"
"I don't know." I have actually heard some of it. The students in the next-door undergraduate school look down on our school and the people in this school, especially the girls in the school.
"Anyway, it's pretty ugly. But I am different from them. I don't think it is easy for anyone to live."
He knows what to say in front of me, and knows how to slowly let me off my guard. But I didn't understand it at the time. I just thought that maybe this was a different person. He would not treat me like that kind of slutty girl like the others.
Even if I do such a thing, I mean, even if I go out to open a room with a man who is more than ten years older than myself, I can still be a clean girl in the eyes of others.
I have thought about it this way, it was Han Lin's words that made me think so.
-4-
After arriving at the hotel with Han Lin, he came over to take off my clothes, and I froze there like a log.
"Haven't you done it before?" His tone seemed to become a little more lively, as if I hadn't done it to make him happy.
"No...I don't quite understand."
"It's okay, I can teach you."
Later I was able to understand why he said so much that day, even if I didn't do anything to please him, he was very happy.
When I came out of the hotel, he drove me back to school.
"Does it still hurt?" When he was in the car, he turned on the air conditioner and asked me.
"Not bad." I looked out the window, trying to avoid that topic as much as possible.
When he got out of the car, he stopped me, took out two hundred yuan from his wallet, and reached out and handed it to me.
I stared at him blankly, and asked him why.
"It's nothing, just thinking you can buy some clothes and eat something delicious."
"it is good."
He made me think that I can also meet warmth in such a relationship. I asked him to park his car next to a bus license plate not far from the school. I was afraid that acquaintances would see me getting off his car, and those rumors could become a knife in my heart.
"Next time I come out, I will send you a message." He told me.
"What about usual?" I asked.
"What's usual?"
"Don't you usually send messages?" I asked him.
"Yes, don't disturb each other, I usually have to go to work."
I just had the illusion that I could fall in love with him, and I was immediately disturbed by his words. It was as if he was just using me as an object. In fact, I knew he was just using me as an item, but I still couldn't help but think about it, wondering if it is possible that I am different.
He and I have always maintained such a relationship, but have never spent the night together. Every time he came to pick me up during the day, then slept in the hotel and drove me back to school. Sometimes at noon, he would take me to dinner, saying that I was tired too, and he asked me to have a delicious meal.
Slowly, I began to look forward to the next day I met him. He always wears a suit, some are blue, some are gray, and there are fancy plaid stripes, no matter what they look like. He would take me to hotels that cost one hundred dollars. There are always places to hang clothes in the hotels. He would always hang his suit jacket in those places, and I would stare at his clothes stupidly for a long time.
"The clothes you wear are all good-looking. It would be great if I could help you choose clothes."
Once he pressed me on the bed, I said this to him. I have to admit that when I said this, I seemed to have vague feelings for him, like suddenly saying "I love you". I thought he would always say something, but he didn't, as if suddenly lost interest, sat up from the bed and let me put on my clothes. I watched him walk to the toilet and heard the sound of him turning on the lighter.
At that time, I realized that even if I wanted to say something, I couldn’t say something.
"What are we?" I asked him that day.
"I didn't tell you a long time ago, I just take what we need."
"Is that so?" I pressed harder.
It seems that after a long time, I always thought I could become a different person to him.
But he still takes me out from time to time every month, and transfers money to me at the end of the month, sometimes four thousand, sometimes five thousand. Every time he gave me a little more money, I felt that he felt sorry for me.
-5-
Our relationship continued until one day, a woman with heavy makeup came to my dormitory to find me, pulled me off my bed, and slapped me several times.
There were only three people in the dormitory. My other two roommates didn't know what was going on. They were just as froze as I did, and then they came and pulled me back.
"You shameless little bitch, who learned to seduce men at such a young age, how sassy are you?"
She said a lot that day, nothing more than that, and I can only remember this. I was stunned there, letting her come over and pull my hair and slap me in the face.
"Sister, who are you?" One of my roommates came over, stood in front of me, and pushed her hand away.
"She knows what she did outside herself. I said how my husband works overtime every day. The co-author is that you are such a vixen."
I just think my mind is hot, like a roasted egg in dog days.
It turns out that Han Lin has a wife.
I just understood then.
I never asked him, I thought he kept going out with me because there was no one else except me.
After that day, he sent me WeChat and said, let’s not contact us in the future. He sent a transfer of more than one thousand yuan, saying that this is the money for these few days of this month, first settle it with me, and don’t do it again. Find him.
What he said was always cold, as if I was his subordinate and everything I did was to serve him.
Is not it.
It seems to be too.
At that time, I realized that his black suit and pink bow tie were all picked for him by another woman. From the beginning to the end, I was just an accessory to him. When the matter was revealed, I would be thrown into the sea and disappear over time.
That's a truth that I didn't understand until a long time later, but it was a pity that I didn't have so many choices.
After that day, my two roommates have not spoken to me, as if the air was embarrassing when they spoke. I don't know if they have told others about it, but in front of me, they are just like dumb. I also understand that if I encounter such a thing, I just want to be dumb.
I called Han Lin many times, and I went to him like crazy and told him not to ignore me. It's strange to say that I know this kind of thing is wrong and should stop abruptly, but I can't help but want an answer.
I just want to ask him, in such a long period of time, he really just used me, or said that even for a moment, he moved to me.
Such a meaningless question, but I want an answer so much.
I know that later he still lived in that city, still drove his white car to and from get off work, and still wore all kinds of suits. But these are no longer relevant to me.
Later, thinking of him, I can only think back to the first time I went to the hotel with him, and he asked me if I hadn’t done it before. At that time, his expression seemed to be a treasure.
Then I think of that wet afternoon, his wife found my dormitory and vented my anger as a mistress.
All this is like a joke.
I dare not tell my parents about this, although they have also asked me why I stopped asking for living expenses with my family during that time. I just said that I found a good part-time job, and they thought I grew up and sensible.
But what they want to grow up is different from what I do.
Later, I graduated from school, looking for a job, and lived a normal life like everyone else. I look for a boyfriend normally, and look for a job normally, but I will inevitably remember what Han Lin brought to me at my most ignorant age.
My youth is undoubtedly painful. I think.
If I do it again, I may go to high school, I will go to school well, and I will refuse the application of that friend. I always think this way, wondering if I changed my way, then those things would not happen.
I understand that regretting is useless. But at the countless moments when I dreamed back at midnight, I can always think of Han Lin, that made me unable to fall asleep, sin and pain enveloped me.
Later, someone asked what my youth was like. I always say that when I was eighteen, I made a mistake that made me unable to sleep in the future.
That is not a beautiful mistake.
I wonder.
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