“I understand what you are trying to explain to me and I understand the fear of people having to know about your sexuality, but Elliot showed me that what Chris did to me has no excuse,” I said and paused for a second before sighing. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry if this was something difficult to discuss,” She apologized as well.

“Talking about Chris still bothers me… I still get angry at him,” I tell her putting the pillow down beside me and looked at the time. “Lucas’s friends give me this feeling like I’m still missing something about myself and I want to find that out. Maybe I haven’t opened up about myself to other people or that it’s a reminder that my past shouldn’t be defined as who I am. That’s pretty much what I wanted to say from it all.”

She nods, “And you said it well. I think we should leave it at that. We had a lot to talk about today and with so many different topics that we might have to bring them back in our next session.”

I sat there as she reached for her notebook and I thought about my moment when talking with Elliot in my room the other day. “Doctor Brown.”

“Yes?” She looked up from her notebook as she wrote a few things down.

“Is it possible that I can still be depressed even on my anti-depressants?” I asked her. “Like not just being upset or sad, but the actual severe depression.”

Doctor Brown had a bit of a confused expression before becoming serious, “Are you saying that you’re having symptoms of depression? Have you lost appetite or sleeping more? Any mood changes?”

I almost wanted to smile because it’s the same questions Elliot asked me but I just shrug my shoulders. “Sometimes I have a bit of a mood swing, but it just feels like I’ve been having more negative thoughts or viewing things more negatively. Maybe it’s the whole argument with my dad or stress from school.”

“Well, new activities or stressful environment does create a trigger towards a depressive episode, but that shouldn’t be something to be worried about unless you have more suicidal tendencies or self-harm,” she said as she reached for a folder on her desk and looked over a few papers.

“I brought it up to Elliot and he was concern about it… He told me to bring it up to you, but I just felt a bit silly like there is something to worry about.” I said, trying to not feel embarrassed to think that there was something wrong with me.

“Well, he is right and any sort of behavior change is best to bring up. It’s possible that regular medication could need a higher dosage. You were a teen when we prescribed them and as your aging, we need to change it to something that is a better handle for you’re disorder.” She said looking over her notes. “Right now, you’re taking two pills? The anti-depressant and the buspirone for your anxiety.”

“Yes,” I answered. “Are you going to change my medication?”

She pressed her lips together, tapping her pen to her notebook, before nodding. “Let’s try something new and I’m sure it would help you. We’ll start giving you sertraline and we still remove the other two medications. We’ll have it as the same dosage and you let me or your doctor know if you need a higher dose after a month or two.”

“What’s sertraline?” I asked her, confused and nervous at the thought of changing medication.

“It’s a medication used for treating both depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and for post-traumatic stress disorder.” She informs me as she began writing in her notebook and hands me a slip. “Best to visit your doctor and have them approve of the medication change. “This could actually be better for you since this medication is more recommended for adults so this can be one that you won’t have to change later on in the future besides the dosage or seeing how your condition is in the future.”

I looked at the note before turning to her after listening, “You really recommend this?”

“Yes. Remember to review all side-effects and making sure you take them properly. No alcohol or skipping days, and be careful taking painkillers when mixing it with the medication. It just makes you bruise easily or bleed, but that’s if you’re overtaking the medication.” She warns me. “But as I said, we’re going with a small dose and after a month or two we can always add more if you still have these depressive episodes or suicidal thoughts.”

I sighed and nod, “Alright. I’ll make an appointment with my doctor and see about the prescription.”

“I’m sure you remember how it goes when being on a new medication, call your doctor for any allergies, reactions, and if side effects worsen.” She tells me as I stood up and it felt like she was talking to me like a mother and not my psychiatrist.

I smiled turning to her and stood at the door, “I remember. I’ll take them and report back to you for any changes.”

Doctor Brown placed her notebook and file on the desk while looking over at me. “Yes. Now go enjoy your day.”

“Bye,” I said closing the door behind me.

After stepping out of the hospital, I started making my way towards the bus stop and reached for my phone to remove the silence mode whenever I am in session. Looking over my messed messages from Luis and Fernando, I saw that Lucas sent me a message reminding me about their meeting for tomorrow and I wondered if Elliot was still going to come with me. I passed on the reminder to Elliot and sat back in my seat looking out the window. We really did talk a lot today on so many things and I wasn’t too sure if I just throw it all on Doctor Brown. It wasn’t also to have her change my medication, but I will admit that my mood hasn’t been good as it was a few months ago and maybe it is the stress that I’ve been putting myself in. But if my medication hasn’t been helping me then I have to agree that this change would be helpful for me later on in the future and am fearful whenever I have these thoughts of failing.

After everything that I went through in high school and graduating high school and I wanted to do my best when entering college yet it feels like I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself. I stepped out of the bus when arriving at the park and walked a few blocks down until I reached my house. I laid down on my bed after kicking off my shoes and closed my eyes just wanting to sleep so the day could end. The house was so quiet, mom is still at work, and I pulled out my phone to play some music then wrapped myself in my blanket. Right now I want to go to this support group because I’m curious about it now that Lucas and his friends expressed it with so much pride.

Also, it’s almost the anniversary that Elliot and I started dating; Elliot wants to have dinner on Sunday. I am excited to see what he wants to do but we both agreed that we won’t make too much of the event and have a bigger celebration when we are on vacation. Thinking back to the two years that we’ve spent together, time really had gone by between us and I think we’ve been so distracted by the point we’ve reached our first year as a couple. I focused on graduation while he was starting college, and I’m starting to wish we could have more time. Maybe I’ve just been craving to spend more time to be with him than before.