It was raining of course. Dripping down from the trees sweeping everything unwanted away. This is a story between me, and a boy. We had spent the last few weeks in honest conversation, contagious laughter, and warm smiles., Today he asked me a question;
“Wanna make a bet?”
“Sure, what’s the bet?”
“If I win, you’re at fault, if you win, than its me; deal?”
“Deal. But just to let you know, I’m horrible at truth or dare.”
“What dies that mean?”
“When I get dared, if its something i really don’t want to do, i just don’t do it.”
“Well that’s not very fair!”
“I always tell the truth though”
And so we played in the rain, bouncing a green tennis ball on a wall and catching it. Wall ball. He taught me how to play only moments before the competition, so naturally i was down a “life” pretty quickly. He so kindly gave me an extra, since i was just learning and all. So we played, bouncing the green ball then rushing to tap the wall if either of us failed to catch it.
“You don’t have to you know, i won’t force you into anything”
“I already told you; if i lose and don’t want to, I won’t!”
“Well then!”
Eventually we were both down to our last life. I didn’t want to lose but there wasn’t much in helping it, it was the first time i played and i’ve never been the athletic sort.
“So, you gonna do it?”
“Maybe. Maybe not”
I said with a smile. I walked over to him and placed my hand on his neck, bending his head down till it was almost touching mine and just as our faces drew close I tapped the now soaked tennis ball to his forehead.
“But I haven’t made up my mind yet”
He laughs, this playful teasing is something that's become common between us; jokes and humor are the ways we all say our true desires without consequences, aren’t they?
“Now what?”
“We’re already drenched, care for a walk by the pond?”
“Well you’re not going to get any wetter. “
He smirks and I glare, but all in good fun. A little toe across the line never hurt anyone really. On we walked; the court that we were enjoying was next to a little pond and a little wooded area. He held my hand and walked close to me as the sky grew ever so darker. But of course we had to have an encounter, all good stories have to have their villains.
“ What is that?!”
“What? Over where? That? OH KRAP WHAT IS THAT?!!”
He didn’t say “Krap”. He Grabbed onto my arm and cowered behind me. My hero.
“It’s a skunk.”
We back away slowly and the skunk lifts its tail, the three of us face off each other until….
“Its okay it ran away”
“Even still we should probably get out of here!”
We walked closer to the pond, away from the woods the horrific smelling beast just fled into. Once safely away i pulled close to him again, this time pulling him close by the chin, then I whispered
“sissy”
Except i didn’t say “sissy”. I laugh as i push him away again. He thusly defends his actions with,
“Okay, I might have freaked but notice that I pulled you away from the striped cat while I cowered.”
“Pretty sure you pushed me towards le Pu but okay”
He leans down a bit, pulling me in by the waist, but i move my head to the side saying
“”Nuh uh. I might get you but you’re not going to get me sir!”
“Oh, so you’re going to get me then?”
We split apart, except for one hand each, and continue our rainy night stroll.
“Of course. But it's no fun if you’re expecting it.”
“I think it could be quiet fun either way.“
I laugh and pull him close again, this time by his shirt collar, he lowers his head, but I push him back again, laughing as I walk away. He follows after, of course. We walk on in silence for a bit, just smiling to themselves.
“So what now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well-”
He never finished the sentence. It’s this moment that I take to fulfill our bet. We kiss in the way that’s sweet but is awkward to watch for our queasier viewers. My arms around his neck, his arms around my waist, just the way it should be. Then I push him away.
“Fuck”
“Wait.”
“ I…”
I looked back at him, He grabbed my hand to prevent me from running away. I stare at him for a moment before going in for another kiss, he draws back and i all but collapsed into his all but perfect shoulder. I turned from him again and walked a few steps away.
“ What am I supposed to do now?”
“I’m sorry.”
“No it’s my fault… “
I knelt down on the ground, my head buried in my arms wrapped around my knees. He knelt behind me and wrapped his arms around me like it would help me from crying out.
“I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault”
“No it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have pressured you… “
“I’m sorry…”
We sit in silence for a while. Just contemplating what we’ve done. We both knew who they were hurting. They hurt each other, and they hurt themselves. They now had to either live with the guilt of the crime the committed together, or confess He would have to tell his girlfriend about me. I would have to tell a different boy I cheated, or tell this one I used him as an escape.
After kneeling together for a few moments, i stand back up, shaky and cold I points to a nearby object. It looks like a map one would find at a state park, with a top to it that was keeping the ground beneath relatively dry. We walk in silence until we are underneath it's protection. The rain is too cold.
“ I’m sorry.”
“It’s my fault.”
“No …”
“What do we do now?”
“I don’t know.”
We kneel again, not looking at each other. His head was between his hands, while i stared out to the pond we had strode by on our walk. It glittered with the man made lights of the parking lot just passed. Even if the light was artificial, it still shown nicely. I looked over to him.
“Hit me.”
“What??”
“Do it. Hit me”.
I stood up. I can’t tell you what I was feeling because even now looking back i do not know. I was angry. I was guilty.
“DO IT! Hit me!”
“I’m not going to hit you!”
“You have to!”
“No. I won't hit you.”
We stare at each other, unable to read each other. How did it come to this? The scene was so pretty before. We were laughing. We were smiling. Now we’re both scared. Scared of each other, scared of ourselves, who we have become. I’m the one who breaks the tension.
“Then reject me.”
“What?”
“I’m the one who did it. Reject me. Then you won’t be at fault. “
He stared at me for a few moments. Who knows what’s going on in his head. He doesn’t understand me or himself.
“ I don’t know if I can.”
“Say you don’t like me. Say you hate me. Reject me, please. I can’t be the reason for the end of you and her. “
I wanted an escape. I was suffocated and hurt every time I thought of the other one. He was of the unforgivable sort but I could never make myself leave. I wanted an escape, but this wasn’t the way.
“What about you?”
“I’m going to tell him.”
“If you tell him I have to tell her.”
“You can’t, I don’t want to ruin you. Don’t tell her.”
“That’s not fair.”
“It was a mistake. You can make one mistake and not tell.”
“Then you don’t have to tell either.”
“I have to tell. I can’t not tell, I just can’t.”
“Then I have to tell too.”
“No! That’s not fair… don’t make me ruin two relationships”
“Because they were so great before?”
He was right. They weren’t great. His girl threatened herself with a knife whenever he tried to leave. Maybe he was just trying to escape too, but this was not the way.
“It doesn’t matter; don’t tell her. Can you honestly say this was worth it?”
He sat in silence for a moment. He looked at me but I couldn’t meet his gaze. We are standing now; we rose with the excitement of our conversation. The sparks between us never truly faded; simply changed color.
“It wasn’t. If anything I have realized how much I really love her.”
I don’t answer. I don’t look at him. I had gotten the rejection i was looking for but it still stung.
“I wont tell her if, the next time I see her, everything feels normal. If it doesn’t then I’ll tell her. “
“Okay. “
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
I knew it was time to end this. All of it. I was feeling used, used by them both, dirtied by my attempt at temporary escape and stung when my free trial ran out only to find it wasn’t so free after all.
“I should get home soon.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
So I left that place. I climbed into my car and pulled out my phone and dialed the number for the boy I so desperately wanted to escape. Sometimes running away isn’t the best way to escape, so in that night I cut ties with both of these boys and continued on, hoping to land someplace better.
The rain stopped.
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