I wake up in my apartment. I feel dizzy again. I start thinking about last night, was it all just a dream? And if not, how stupid could I be!?!

I open my phone and start swiping (the dating app) loads of men that look either to old or too young. Nobody could compete with what I feel every time I see Cheonsa. I eventually grew tired of swiping and get up from the couch. I don’t get how I still have the guts to use this app though. Loads of trollers look after gays to hurt, either online or IRL. It's still safer than asking random people, that’s just wired. I’ve never been good on the dating site. I’ve been on a few dates, but they all aren’t really interested in me as a person, they either just think I look cute, or use me as a therapist. I haven’t met a single guy that meet me because of my interests or personality.

I get to the kitchen, I’m so hungry I can’t think of anything else than food right now. I start cooking pancakes as well as warming up water for hot chocolate. I can smell the deliciousness already, I almost just drank the liquid, but I was able to resist until it was finished. Now I sat down at the couch again, with both the pancakes with sugar on them and hot chocolate on the side. I turned on a cheesy Christmas romance movie. I had gotten pyjamas on me, and a warm blanket. This day was already packed with me watching romance alone. Some would say that’s sad… and yes, yes, it is.

After 30 minutes I got a notification from (the dating app) it was a guy I had matched with. This could only go three ways, two of them being the most realistic ways. 1. He would be a troll, and I would show up alone or nobody would come to my apartment. 2. He would show up, but only use me as a talking bag since he hadn’t gotten any matches, he wanted that day. 3. He would be nice to me and we would go on more dates… You can already guess which ones the least likely.

He had just sent me a message, saying “You look cute, and seem like a really chill guy to talk to, wanna meet up tomorrow for a drink or two?”

I look at the message 3-4 times, this is the same message countless times before, and after what I did yesterday, I shouldn’t drink again in a while… I ended up agreeing to It. We would meet up at 8 pm tomorrow. I continued to watch romance movies after that. I started regretting what I had agreed to, but its too late now. I’m already fallen, to be dragged down, even more, wouldn’t bother me.

I watched how the girl runs through the crowds at the airline, running towards her lover which thought she didn’t want him anymore, and they kiss. And the crowd start clapping. Wow, how cheesy and unrealistic, the security wouldn’t let her trough, and the crowd wouldn’t smile and clap, but yell. I call this unrealistic and roll my eyes at this, yet I still watch these movies hoping this would happen to me…

I start thinking back to when Cheonsa confessed If I just hadn’t said anything maybe he would be the one I would go on a date with tomorrow. Maybe we would find something in common? It can’t be helped now. I can’t start thinking about Cheonsa when I’m on a date with another guy, how unfair for him. Well, that is if he isn’t a narcissist!

After another movie is over, and I’ve had my third meal. I start doing the dishes. I look out the window, I look at the back sky filled with stars, what a beautiful view. I see a shooting star appear. I remember my mom telling me as young that whenever you get to see a shooting star, you had to be quick and wish something. If the wish isn’t too unrealistic, it would be true. So, I wished, I wished something I consider unrealistic for me…

I wished to find true love before Christmas eve.

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Thanks for reading!

I’m too scared to use t!nder or anything similar in that regard. I hat pictures of myself so I don’t think ill ever use it myself :`)))

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