I can’t believe I’m doing this again, I thought as the blood began to drip down my upper arm. The small respite in my mind began to fill with an overwhelming amount of guilt and distress.  I promised them I wouldn’t. But…will that promise even matter if I’m dead? A dead person can’t be forced to keep their promises, right? I shuddered. 

I was trembling, aching for more. I shouldn’t… The jagged scars on my thighs and arms reminded me that no good would come of this. Though I tried to contain myself, the urge won. It always did. I took a trembling breath and dragged the blade raggedly across my skin, lavishing in the pain. 

I submerged the bloody blade into my bathwater, turning it a disturbing shade of pink. The gruesome scene that I had painted once again resonated within me. The sting of my wrist was forgotten with the thoughts that ransacked my mind. Why did I continue to resort to self-harm, if the silence was only temporary? 

Of all people, it had been my mother who had hit me...Why? Had I done something wrong? I must be a terrible son...I should’ve never existed. Their lives would be so much better without me! They don’t want me here, I thought and tears welled up in my eyes. I swapped hands to cut my other wrist, with much more difficulty. My non-dominant hand shook as I cut deep, and I welcomed the pain it put forth. The trickling of blood stained watery lines down my limbs, branching out and engulfing me.

The pain gradually subsided; the emotional agony of burdening everyone I knew and the haunting faces of Locke and Casey overshadowed the pain. No...No! Make it stop! I don’t want to feel this way! I need…more…. A rancorous wail left my mouth and I hid my face behind my mocha-colored hands stained with blood. I told them I wouldn’t! I had promised!

By the time the reality of what I’d done had sunk in, it was already too late. The familiar feeling of faintness swept through me. Darkness began to encroach the edges of my vision and my limbs went numb. Is this it? I thought through the haze. 

If I were to open my eyes, would I be somewhere else instead of this horrendous place? 

***

I awoke to a barrage of knocks on the bathroom door and the sound of frantic voices shouting my name. “Angélo, if you don’t open this door right now, I swear I’ll break it down!” A gruff male voice echoed through the spacious room. 

My mind raced. What should I do? I’ll be caught. They’ll hate me. What do I do…? I hurried to step out of the tub, slipping on the tile, and rushed to grab a towel. I wobbled on my feet and lunged for the blade; I clutched it tightly in my hand, the steel cutting into my skin. I used my unoccupied hand to wipe off as much of the blood from my arms as I could. The movement was filled with pain; it was a welcomed distraction.

I took a deep breath, attempting to steady myself before I opened the door. I turned the small lock on the door and held it slightly ajar. With a deep breath, and my eyes on the floor, I started. “Sorry to worry you. I fell asleep in the tub…”

“Angie!” Locke yelled and burst past the door, “Do you have any idea how badly you scared us?!” I was swept into an alarmingly tight hug before I could answer. “It’s almost evening and we didn’t know where you were—” A loud gasp from Casey interrupted his lecture.

Casey held a trembling hand to her mouth. Tears cascaded down her face as she regarded the horror that was left behind in the bathtub. The stab of guilt that cut through my stomach was even more painful than my physical injuries.

“Angie, you didn’t…” Locke muttered with a voice full of sorrow. I didn’t want to look at the disappointment in his violet eyes. 

“I…no, I didn’t, I-I fell asleep in the tub…” I shook off his arms and huddled in a corner, trying to hide in the comforting warmth of my towel.

“Babe, don’t lie to me,” Locke drawled. He took a step forward; I took one backward. “Please, just talk to me. What happened?”

My mouth was dry. Shame was overflowing within me. I looked up into his warm eyes with waiting, open arms; I saw nothing but a hope to understand and an offering of comfort. 

It broke me.

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed out. Casey’s trembling figure was pale, but her motherly instincts took over when she saw my crying face. She pushed past Locke and I let her embrace me in a warm hug. Locke stood there awkwardly; he looked hurt. I ignored him and cried into Casey’s chest, my hands fisting in her shirt and my towel sliding off my shoulders.

I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to see this...I can’t believe I put you through this again. Casey, it’s all my fault. I glanced up and saw the glistening lines on her face. Don’t cry over me! I don’t deserve your tears. My thoughts ran rampant with regret and self-reproach. My fingers glued themselves to my scalp and pulled roughly at my hair. I pulled weakly out of Casey’s hold and slid down the bathroom wall, into the fetal position.

“I’m sorry,” I whimpered and choked out a sob. “I— I relapsed…” The tears rolling down my face seemed to draw them closer, and soon, they were seated on either side of me. “God, I’m pathetic,” I chuckled darkly and threw my head back against the wall. “You should both leave. You’re wasting your time trying to guard me. You deserve much better lives.”

“Angélo, don’t say that…” Casey consoled in a motherly tone, “We’ll never leave you. Not ever.” She sat down beside me and wrapped me in a hug. Casey’s brown eyes glanced down at my wrists and a look of realization passed across her face. “Locke, get the first aid kit,” she mumbled with fake apathy. I saw the color drain from her face at the sight of the self-inflicted gashes.

“On it!” Locke shouted with a mock salute. I laughed weakly at his antics and dried my remaining tears on Casey’s shoulder. 

I don’t deserve such great friends.

“I’m back!” Locke announced with panting breaths, “Here’s the first aid kit.” He shoved the medical supplies into Casey’s eager arms and leaned against the counter to catch his breath. His flushed face looked exhausted, and if the sweat running down his neck was any indication, he must’ve run all over the castle searching for a medical kit. Little did he know I kept one underneath my bathroom sink. I smiled to myself.

Casey brought me back to reality when she gently tugged my wrists forward. She stared at them silently. One look at her eyes and I knew; the slits on my wrists were taunting her— laughing at her with their jagged smiles and blood dripping from their teeth. I could see it as she tried to steel herself against the harsh reality of what I’d done, as if the plasma slowly sliding down my arms stained her conscious an ugly red.

A sudden rush of bravado filled me up from the inside, and I yanked my wrists from her hold. Without a word, I rose roughly to my feet. Why was it that everyone I came across felt the need to judge me, whether directly or by their smallest of actions?

“Angélo!” Casey called, but the noise barely registered in my head.

I slung on the robe hanging on the back of the door, and stormed out of the spacious bathroom—my friends, dirtied bathwater, and bleeding wrists forgotten in my haste to flee. 

I knew it. I knew she wouldn’t be able to handle this. Why did they even bother to look for me? If they’d just let me be, I could’ve...No, I would have… My train of thought ended abruptly when I found myself face-to-face with the castle exit. I took a deep breath, Should I? I slowly turned the golden knob and released a shaky breath when the heavy, 10ft tall door finally swung open.

The darkening night sky beckoned me closer until I had stepped past the threshold of the castle. The chilled breeze blew soothing kisses on my tanned skin, eliciting a shiver and reminding me that I stood clad in only a thin robe. It would be fine to take a walk, right? Just to clear my head? The memories of today’s events echoed through my mind, and I shivered before making my final decision.

My family’s castle was placed at the edge of Jingato, my kingdom's border. Was it the best terrain, tactically speaking? Probably not. It easily left us susceptible to ambushes or raids, though it provided the royal family some much-needed privacy from its inhabitants. I rapidly stalked around the intimidating castle and stared into the band of vastly looming trees that served as our border. 

With a deep exhale, I took off through the forest.

***

I had always loved the forest. When I was there, it felt like nothing else mattered; no responsibilities, no thoughts, and no people to disappoint… just me, the forest, and my aching body.

I came to a halt when I could no longer recognize my surroundings. As I looked around, all I could see was darkness, trees, and shrubbery. With a heavy sigh, I sat under a large oak tree. The tree’s dark roots bulged from the ground and were surprisingly comfortable to sit on. I was glad to take the pressure off my aching feet. Leaving without shoes hadn’t been a great idea. My breath came out in rough, gasping gulps that racked my body.

In an instant, I was exhausted and in pain more than ever.

I ran an anxious hand through my long, dark curls, that hung limply around my shoulders. The clotted blood from my wrists clumped together in the strands, but I couldn’t care less. It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to visit the forest, I thought as I  narrowed my gaze on the shallow puffs of white steam that resulted from my panting gasps. ...Maybe I should go back to the castle and apologize to Casey and Locke. I was drawn out of my thoughts when a faint light caught my attention. 

I weakly rose from the roots, grateful for the distraction from my thoughts, and attempted to find the source of the light. With squinted eyes, I struggled to see past the thick foliage. As I drew near, my sight began to blur. When I lifted my hand in an attempt to shield from it, I was reminded of the throbbing gashes on my forearms. I rubbed at my eyes vehemently. This must be from the blood loss… My thoughts became delusional, and I felt uneasy on my feet.

Stumbling, I tripped over a root. My arms flailed and my body slammed heavily into the side of another large tree. I huffed in annoyance and hauled myself upright, most of my weight supported by the sturdy tree. The light I’d been chasing seemed to glow brighter. I clumsily brushed away a low-hanging branch and strained my eyes against the darkness and shadows. “What is that?”

The dim silhouette of a short man and an absurdly large creature lay outlined before me. For a moment, everything was clear; a flash of red hair, a glimpse of pink scales, and the sound of a blistering roar, before I lost my footing and the world went blank.