A/N: This chapter is set just a bit before Dean and Cas' run-in at the bar

"Cas, please, just pick up the damn phone. This is ridiculous."

"Cas, look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed it. Just...please come home. The girls are waiting for you to come home."

"This is the third time I've called you, Castiel. Pick. Up. Your. Phone."

I delete the voicemails, the phone bouncing lightly in my hands. Setting the phone down on the passenger seat, I take a deep breath and shut my eyes. I tried so hard to get out of this damn town, but it keeps dragging me back. Why can't I escape? I feel a tear running down my face, then more, until I realize I was sobbing; Hannah's words reverberate in my head like a loud bell clanging in a tower. You can't bury things like that immediately. You can't bury things like that immediately. You can't-"

"Write it out," I mutter as I grab a napkin and pen from Hannah's glove box next to me. As I wrote down words and lyrics, my mind retreats to my time with Dr. Thompson, my therapist ater Jody adopted my siblings and I.

"How are you feeling today, Castiel?"

I shrug my shoulders, rubbing the rough fabric of my threadbare sweater against the inside of my wrists. The shadows of past cuts loom on my skin; I pull the fabric up over my hands as Dr. Thompson clears her throat.

"Castiel, I understand you don't want to be here, talking to me. And I'm not going to force you, but I want you to know that you are free to say whatever is on your mind." She says quietly, leaning forward. "So I'll wait until you feel like talking."

I look around, wanting to do anything but talk. All my life, I've been told not to speak unless told, and even then I would get smacked because I wasn't speaking loud enough. My eyes land on the piano she had in the corner of the room, and i feel my fingers start to tingle. Playing music was a privilege in my house, and it was one that i wa able to get the most. I stand up and walk over to the piano, grazing my fingers over the ivory keys; I play a note, and the vibration from the note was like a breath of fresh air. I sigh in relief and sit down, feeling the music begin to pour out of my fingers. I play until I don't have anymore notes within me, and I glance at Dr. Thompson, a small smile ghosting across my lips.

"Do you feel better?"

"...Yes, I do."

"Then write it out, Castiel. Write out how you feel into songs, melodies, any way you feel."

"Write it out..." I say, looking at the written on napkin in my hands. I smile, taking a deep breath. Suddenly, my stomach rumbles, and I realize I haven't eaten since we got on the plane, which was just over six hours ago. I climb out of the car and walk towards the entrance of Lou's narrowly avoiding collision with groups and couples that were stumbling out of the bar. Once inside, I feel that crushing feeling again. I look around, and see so many familiar faces, ones I knew from high school.

"Castiel Novak? Is that you man?"

I turn around, and see a short man around my age, holding abeer so loose in his hands I thought it was going to fall out.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"It's Garth, Garth Fitzgerald? We went to high school together?"

My eyes widen as soon as I recognize him. "Garth? You look...skinnier than the last time I saw you!"

"I know, I lost a lot of weight. Beth and I did a weight loss challenge together, and now we're helping each other keep it off."

"I'm so sorry that I didn't recognize you right away," I say, rubbing my neck.

"Nah, it's fine. Not a lot of people did when I first told them. How are you? I haven't seen you in five years, what's new?"

"I, uh...well, it's been a rough week, I'll say that much. My boyfriend of four years was cheating on me with one of my biggest rivals at my job, who, by the way, was a woman-"

"Wow, that's rough, man." Garth sympathizes, and I shake my head.

"That's not even the worst part. The worst part? That same woman got me fired just because I was picked for a promotion over her."

Garth sucks in through his teeth, taking a sip of his beer. "Well, he doesn't deserve you then, Castiel!"

I smile, wringing my fingers around the napkin in my hands.

"Is that a song?" Garth notes, nodding his head towards the napkin.

"Er...yes. But I'm not-"

"Hey, Charlie! I've got a singer for ya!" Garth interrupts, and I freeze. I've never sang up in front of people before, let alone in my hometown bar of all places.

"Garth, what are you doing?!"

"Get up there! Sing your heart out, get rid of those relationship blues!" Garth says, pushing me towards the stage. A woman with long red hair and glasses held out her hand to help me onto the stage.

"You're our replacement for Layla?" Charlie scoffs, turning to her guitar.

"Look I don't wnt to be up her just as much as you don't, so I say we just get this done and over with. Sound like a plan?"

Charlie rolls her eyes, but nods in agreement.

"Okay. So, what are we singing?"

"Blow by Ed Sheeran? It's a rock out song, perfect for this type of crowd." She responds, and the drummer chuckles, spinning his drumsticks in between his fingers.

"I don't think so, but no one ever listens to me." The drummer says kindly, holding out his hand for a handshake. "Hi, I'm Benny LeFitte."

"Castiel Novak. Nice to meet you." I say over Charlie introducing the band.

"Lou's, are you ready to hear some great music?" She asks, and the crowd cheers and whoops in response. "Alright, well, we've got a great set for you tonight. Unfortunately, Layla is sick, so we have Castiel Novak on vocals tonight. Let's see if he's up for the task!"

The music starts, and I instantly feel the beat flowing through me; the melody lights up my mind like a kaleidoscope, and I grin as the lyrics free fall into the crowd.

"I'm feelin' like a bullet/ Jumpin' out a gun/ I'm feelin' like a winner/ I feel like the one..."

The crowd bounces along with the beat, and for a split second, I could see a grin on Charlie's face before she turned around to play towards Benny. Soon, the crowd is singing along with us, and I feel euphoric. I feel like I could do anything. Then the set is over, and just like that, the magic is broken. The euphoric feel that I had was gone, replaced with a feeling like lead in my veins. Charlie went to give me a high five, but instead I ducked under her arm and dashed off of the stage, feeling like I wanted to puke. I crashed into someone on my way past the bar, and I mutter an apology as I walk by. I look up for a split second, and come to a screeching halt when I see the one person I've been trying to avoid seeing.

"Dean?"

He turns to my voice, and I feel my blood rush out of my face. He opens his mouth to respond, but before I could hear it, I ran out of the bar and towards Hannah's car, my hands shaking lie an earthquake.

"Come on," I mumble as I try to get the keys out of my pocket, but they fall to the ground. I felt the tears coming as I rested my head against the door, and sobs raked my body.

"Cas? Hey, hey, calm down. Breathe." I hear from behind me, and I don't have to ask who it is, because I've heard that phrase over and over again. I turn around and lay my forehead on his chest. "It's okay, just breathe."

Soon, my breathing slows and I stopped crying. "Thank you, but I'm fine now."

"Okay, I'll back off." Dean says, stepping back with his hands up in surrender. I look at him for the first time since I was inside, and my heart skips a beat. Instead of the short, army buzz cut I was expecting, his hair was longer, but still close cut to his scalp. His green eyes still shone like emeralds, and-

"Cas?"

"Huh?" I see that Dean was staring right back at me. "What, did you say something?"

"Yeah, I asked you if you feel good to drive home."

"Oh... I'm fine." I crouch down to grab the keys from the ground. "I'm fine to drive home."

"Cas-"

"It's Castiel, actually."

"You'll always be Cas to me-"

"Yeah, well, you lost that privilege a long time ago, Dean." I say, trying to unlock the door. I resist the urge to punch the window when the door wouldn't unlock.

"Look, if you'll let me explain-"

"No, Dean! You can't possibly explain to me why you left, Dean. You promised me that nothing would separate us, yet you were the thing that separated us. I have to go." I yell, finally getting my door open. Dean's arm shoots past my head and closes the door again, making me even more frustrated.

"Cas, please, just let me explain."

"Move your arm, or I will move it for you."

"Cas, just give me an hour, that's all I ask."

I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. Lord, give me the strength not to punch him in the throat. After a few minutes, I shake my head and throw my hands up in the air. "Fine. You have an hour. No more, no less."

Dean grins, and opens the door for me. I roll my eyes as I climb into the car, nodding permission for him to climb in next to me. I put the car into reverse and pull out of the parking lot.

"Where do you want to talk?" Dean asks, and I shrug my shoulders. "Why don't we go to St. James park? We can go to our spot if you want."

I chuckle, turning the corner that leads towards the park.

"What?"

"Is your plan to sweet talk me back with you?"

Dean looks at me with a look of shock on his face, and for a moment, I feel bad. Dean may be a casanova, but he was a romantic when he wanted to be. But then I remembered that he was the reason I left Lawrence, and the reason I met Trevor.

"No, Cas, of course not. I would be surprised if I ever get to be that person to you again. I just wanted you to know the whole truth. You deserve that much." He responds quietly, turning his eyes back to the road.

"Dean..."

"No, I'm serious. You should've gotten more than a phone call, Cas."

I blink, surprised to hear that come out of his mouth. "You're right."

We stayed silent for the rest of the ride, which wasn't much longer. Eventually, I pulled up to the semi-secluded spot by the willow tree, where we spent most of our senior year after school; we sat down under the tree, and I started wringing my fingers. What was he going to tell me?

"Before I tell you what happened, I want to apologize. I never meant to hurt you, Cas. If I could go back and fix it I would."

I nod, and he gives me a small smile.

"That night that we were going to leave, I got a call from John. He told me that in order for you to get out of town, I couldn't go with you. And I desperately wanted you to get out of Lawrence."

"So he made you join the Army? What, as a punishment for wanting to leave Lawrence?"

"No, for being gay. Somehow, he found out that you and I were together romantically, and said that "Winchester men love women, not men'." Dean explained, and my heart sank.

"How did he find out about us?" I ask quietly, and he shakes his head.

"Damned if I knew. No one except Sam, your sister, and Gabe knew about you and I."

I huddle my knees to my chest, and my mind races as I try to process what he told me. Dean left me, because his father forced him to? "Did you even want to join?"

"That part was true. I did want to join the military eventually, but I wanted to do it after we left Lawrence and we could think about a future." He says, picking at the grass under him. "Cas, I am so sorry-"

"No. As much as I hated the fact that you let your father control you into leaving me, I can see why you did it."

He looks up at me in surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah. Look, if I hadn't left Lawrence, I probably wouldn't have went to NYU and gotten a job with Carver records. I wouldn't have an apartment on the Upper East side with a view of Central Park." I laugh, and I can see the tension leave Dean's shoulders.

"I wanted to tell you so bad that night, but that was a condition of his. I wasn't allowed to tell you the real reason I was leaving."

We sat in silence, looking up at the tree, around the park, but anywhere that wasn't each other.

"Dean-"

"Cas-"

We interrupt each other, and chuckle awkwardly.

"Cas, I understand if you want nothing to do with me after this, but-"

"Why would I want nothing to do with you?" I ask bewilderedly. "You may have made a huge mistake, but that doesn't take away the fact that you're still one of my closest friends."

Deans eyes widen. "I just thought...nevermind. Does this mean we're still friends?"

I stick out my hand with a smile. "Friends."