When I get out of the shower, Ian is finished with washing of the dishes. He’s already inside his room and I can hear him talking with someone on the phone. I assume it’s Ysa on the other side of the line. I get back inside Ysa’s room to put on some clothes.

I prop myself on the bed on one elbow. I check the unread messages on my phone. There are some from my org mates. There’s also a message from Gen, but I’m not in the mood to reply. I check my social media accounts and mindlessly scroll down my news feed. After a while, I hear a gentle knock on the door.

I get up and open the door. He’s fresh from the shower, giving off a faint scent of lemon. He wears a white shirt that hugs his chest perfectly. He’s leaning against the side of the door frame, his facial features accentuated by the shadows and the soft light coming from the room. I try to block these things out and focus on what he’s saying.

“Okay ka na ba?” he asks. “Feel at home ka lang dito ha? Kapag may kailangan ka, huwag kang mahihiyang magsabi.”

“Yeah, don’t mind me. Hindi pa pala ako nakakapagpasalamat sa iyo,” I tell him. “Thank you. Seriously hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin kanina. Buti na lang dumating ka.”

“Hindi ba sabi ko naman sa iyo before, I’ll always be here for you whenever you need me?” he reminds me in jest.

I laugh lightheartedly.

“Awan sa iyo. Hindi mo man lang nga ako kinumusta,” I tease back at him. This is the first time that we both acknowledge our past.

His expression turns serious, his eyes are boring into mine. The playful smile in his lips is now gone. I look down to hide the tension that I’m feeling.

“If only you knew how many times I almost called you to ask how are you since the day that you broke up with me. To tell you about my day. To hear your voice.” His voice is so soft I wouldn’t have heard him if I’m not standing near him. “But every time that I do, I talk myself out of it because I don’t want to bother you.”

I don’t know how to respond to that. I am not expecting him to be this honest with me. I stand there in silence, not knowing what to do or say. When I look up, his smile is back but his eyes speak a different emotion.

“Ikaw naman hindi na mabiro. Masyado kang seryoso. Sige na pasok ka na. Tutulog na rin ako. I need to run some errands early in the morning,” he says without pause. “Good night, Devonair.”

He quickly gets back inside his room without waiting for my response. I get back inside, too, and lay on the bed thinking of what he said earlier.

To be honest, there were a few times in the past that I thought of the possibilities with Ian if I hadn’t broken up with him. He was biggest what if – still is. When I saw him again earlier getting out of his car, all my “what ifs” came flooding back to me. What if I was bold enough to tell the world of my love for Ian? What if I didn’t push Ian away? What would have happened if I were brave enough to embrace myself back then?

I stare blankly at the ceiling. I can never have answers to these questions. I’m not even sure if I want them answered. The only thing that matters now is the present and how to move forward, which is kind of a big problem for me. I still have no idea what I will do tomorrow or where I’ll start looking for a new apartment. When I think about all of my problems, this complicated setup pales in comparison.

I glance at the clock. It’s already past midnight but I’m still wide awake. Giving up, I take my notebook out of the pocket of one of my bags and start sketching. When I am unable to sleep, I exhaust my extra energy by drawing something. Occasionally, I write what comes into my mind but most of the time, I express my thoughts and emotions through art.

Only after I was done with the drawing did I realize what I sketched. Feeling sleepy, I put my notebook and pen under the pillow. I can now feel the exhaustion of the events that happened during the day and plans for tomorrow’s apartment hunting are my last thoughts before sleep fully consumes me.