A dark sunset inside a room. A room with many empty windows.

There was no outside. Just a falling sun. An invisible illusion of a star.

There were shadows behind me, shadows made of light. It felt exhausting, claustrophobic-. The blue and red walls of a never-ending room, they were constantly moving. Up and down, despite not being able to notice it. The south was short, and the north was long. In the center of the universe, there it was. A revelation that took me away from my body.

The silhouettes ate me. I fell inside them, twirling insides palpitating. Nausea. Throbbing flesh and guts, five tongues, quintessential eyes.

The path that opened with a knife - it was foul, foul and sickening. The corpses laid there as I curled next to them, crystalizing.

I woke up with a sharp, cold needle of fear inside my heart. And the warmth of a hand made the pain jump to my throat. Paralyzing.

But the softness of the fur, as I opened my eyes, comforted the incessant anxiety.

- “Sir- Are you okay?”

- “Kio-… Morning. Ah, hi Loe… I overslept- Sorry.”

Kio had come to wake me up, while Loe was cleaning up the room. Well- not wake me up, considering how high the sun was, how Loe was almost done with the carpet, and how Kio was on his fifth cup of tea.

- “Oh, no, sir. We just wanted you to rest… Ah! The prince himself came this morning to… visit… So we explained the situation. He said it was fine, as long as you showed up for dinner today instead.”

- “I see… Did you sleep, Kio?”

- “Yes, sir, don’t worry. I came here early morning to guard the door.”

- “I made him get inside, seeing how worried he was, sir. I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have, I thought you might approve of it.” – Loe bowed slightly, duster in hand. - “That it would be comforting.”

- “Ah… I’m sorry- I mean- Thank you. You two got so worried, I-… I’m sorry. I just keep causing more and more trouble, don’t I-…? Even when you have been so kind… Aaaaah- Perdón- Soy un desastre-”

- “Sir, sir, it’s okay. Calm down. You don’t cause us trouble. I promise.” – Kio put his reassuring paw on my shoulder. I hadn’t noticed how cold I was, or how much I was sweating, or how the air was constantly leaving me as I tried to get it to stay. I couldn’t breathe - but I was breathing too much. The world was getting blurry - was I going blind? No, no. Is fine. Is fine. It’s fine.

- “Y-Yes. I… God, I was so stupid. You were right I-. I knew. I knew it wasn’t safe. I knew it. I’m a stranger, I just came to cause trouble, to fuel a war. They were right to try to get rid of me. I can’t ignore that I’m seen as a light that will guide them to doom. Maybe- Maybe I should-”

- “Sir-”

- “I should have let them take me.”

- “Von! Sir, please. I’m just… glad you are safe. Please.”

- “…………………Ah………………… I’m sorry. Yes, it’s… It’s fine. I’ll… I’ll get ready.”

Kio left the room, saying he would bring me breakfast. Loe, who had stayed silent until now, immediately started helping me dress up, much to my dismay.

To be fair, I was so exhausted that I went to sleep with my clothes on; my body ached so much, I didn’t refuse the help.

This outfit also seemed quite tricky to put on.

A blue robe with a leather belt – or corset? -, a dark undershirt, and a lot of golden details. A uniform.

- “Does it feel uncomfortable anywhere? Any part that doesn’t fit?”

- “No… It’s good. It’s comfy.”

- “I’m glad. The robe was a women’s, so the tailor was worried the cut might bother you.”

- “…This is a mage uniform.”

- “Yes.”

- “…Why am I wearing a mage uniform?”

- “Well, it was requested.”

- “But I’m not a mage.”

- “Wait, they didn’t tell you?”

And just as she was about to continue, Daien entered the room.

- “Hello.” – Daien greeted us, carrying her staff with her. – “Von, you’re late.”

- “Ah- Huh- Hi.”

Kio came in right after her.

- “Sir-. Lady Daien found me, and kind of- wouldn’t stop asking to come see you-…” – He looked confused for a second, eyeing me. Then suddenly – “Ah! I brought breakfast” – his tail started wagging.

- “You brought food for like four people, Kio-”

- “Well, I thought I’d accompany you with a little snack.”

He started placing the trays on the bed. Loe, who was still by my side, ruffled my hair and whispered gently, as if to not interrupt the inexistent conversation.

- “Eat well, you’ll need it for your first magic class. Lady Daien will probably tell you about it, so I’ll take my leave.” – And then, she went back to her normal tone. - “If there is anything you need, just ask, sir.”

- “Magi- Of course. Of course.” – I started mumbling while sitting on the side of the bed. When I noticed that Daien was still standing - even after Loe left - I called her over to sit next to me. Kio grabbed the same chair he used during the morning. We had our make-do bed picnic. I apologized internally to Loe, since we were probably going to get crumbs on the carpet.

- “We are late - I’m late because of you, Von.” – Daien pouted as she sat down, pulling my sleeve.

- “Sorry, sorry. But- let’s eat something first. Did you have breakfast already?”

- “No, I was waiting for you.”

- “Ah. Then let’s eat together.”

- “Uh… Oki… Just for a second.”

She grabbed a sandwich, one of the many. Apparently, Kio just loved sandwiches. I had some tea to start. It tasted like cinnamon…

‘… Maybe I’ll make an apple pie tomorrow.’

It went on to be a chatty, cozy morning. A nice way to start what seemed to be a long, long day. Minutes flew by with silly conversation - mostly just Kio telling us about his life here.

- “…so, that’s how I ended up appointed as a soldier! I owe it to the Captain. He had a lot of faith in me, so he supported my involvement, even when I had no experience in the battlefield.”

- “Right, you were fighting during the first half of the war-” - I mumbled while doing a chomp. Heheh. Chomp.

- “Yes, personally escorting the Queen.”

- “Wait - why would the Queen be on the battlefield?”

- “Courtesy, I guess? It’s a tradition for the rulers to guide the soldiers. Something about it being disrespectful to the opponent if they weren’t there.”

- “I can’t get a hold of all the traditions… Wait- The Captain said something about replacing swords after a battle- Is that also something-…”

- “Yeah. In the central region it’s common during battles to bury people with the weapons they were killed with, when possible. If you killed someone with your weapon, you have to leave it behind, or you might end up cursed, since their soul will know it was you who murdered them.”

- “…So they just drop all the weapons after a battle is over? Leave them there? Just like that?”

- “Yes. It is also part of the reason we have a forensics team alongside the medics. Quite the curious thing.”

Daien grew tired of the conversation at this point, pulling my sleeve again.

- “Von, we are late.”

- “Ah, right.”

- “Mizuen said he wouldn’t stop until he saw you holding your own staff.” – She sounded almost worried about it, not letting go of my sleeve.

- “So he was the one who- Agh. Alright. Let’s go. He won’t let me skip on this, anyways.”

Kio was quick to reassure.

- “Sir, I think he just wants you, who happens to have a talent for magic, to train enough to protect yourself on the battlefield.”

- “Kio-. I’m not pissed just because he wants me to learn magic. I’m pissed because he never asks before doing anything! I never have a say in it!”

- “Ah… Yes, yes that’s fair. I’m sorry, sir.”

While Kio left with the empty trays, I was finishing my newfound morning routine. Daien grabbed my hand this time, looking down.

- “Did I make you mad?”

- “Wha- No, no. Your brother is a bit annoying, that’s all. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

- “You sure?”

- “Yeah. It’s all oki-doki.”

- “All oki-doki!”

We laughed on our way out, walking together, later joined by Kio. She didn’t let go of my hand, even as we climbed into the carriage. I didn’t mind. Her presence was warm and calming. She was like a cup of tea after a snowy night, with the first rays of the sun reflecting on the ice crystals. Which reminded me that, back home, winter should be starting soon.

Would my mom be alright without me? Winters were awful for her; seasonal depression and arthritis don’t go well together. Was she lonely? I knew my sister would take care of her, but she had her own life too. Her own family, her job-. She wouldn’t be able to take my mom for walks at the beach or make sure she took her meds. She already had a child with immunodeficiency to take care of.

I listed the oh-so-many things I was neglecting by not being there. The many responsibilities I was taken away from. Even if it was something small, like leaving a comment on every video from a channel of a really small youtuber I liked – or something big, like making sure my mom was as healthy as possible, or supporting one of my friends through her traumatic break-up.

It felt like holding a bag - a bag full of stormy water, spilling all over the place. Such a mess, that I couldn’t even think of a better metaphor.

I failed to ignore my ever-present anxiety, looking out at a lively noon from the carriage window. Watching people go on with their lives. I wasn’t inspired by it today, but jealous. Purely jealous. The unfairness of my fate was eating me up - because I wasn’t there for others. It would have been nice if, at least, I was able to be bitter for myself. For my own pain and mourning.

But everyone else weighed heavier in my heart.

At least those were people I truly cared about, I told myself.

- “... Tengo que volver pronto.”

- “Huh?” – Silencing my internal ramblings, Daien interrogated me - by pressing her face really close to me, actually.

- “…Nothing, I just… I really need to go back home.”

- “Oh… Uh…”

- “Mm?”

- “But… Mizuen told me we weren’t able to find a way.”

- “……………………………..?”

- “Uhh… You can’t go back to your world. We don’t know how to do that.”

- “…Oh… Uh…”

I laid there in my seat, feeling as though both time and the carriage had stopped, letting the words wash down - just like the water in the bag. Daien didn’t let go of my hand, even when she moved away.

I was calmer than I expected, though.

It was assumed, it was easy to see coming. I congratulated myself for not being disappointed by the obvious truth.

Then again, one could only handle so much before the light leaves their eyes.

Kio opened the small window behind the driver’s seat to talk to us.

- “Sir, the flea market is already up, so we have to take a detour. We’ll take a bit longer.”

- “Uhuh…”

- “Sir? Are you okay?”

- “Eh…”

- “Sir- You look- What happened?” – He turned to look, muzzle almost hitting the window frame.

- “I can’t go back home.”

- “…Oh.”

- “Kio I can’t go back home.”

- “Y-Yes sir, I heard you-”

- “I can’t go back home…”

- “Sir- Uh… Let’s talk about this later, y-yes? I’m sorry- I’m a bit- I need to pay attention to the road-”

- “Sure…”

He was in a hurry, as expected of a driver.

Daien pet me, out of nowhere, as I kept sulking in my seat.

- “Don’t worry, Von. We will keep searching. There is still a lot to research.”

- “Thank you, Daien. But it’s fine. I had assumed this is what would happen.”

- “I promise we will find a way. There is a lot Mizuen and I don’t know about magic.”

- “Ah… Yes, that’s true. There is still stuff to discover. I should do my part and help too.”

- “Yup! So you have to pay attention while I teach you.”

- “You’ll teach me?”

- “Yup! Mizuen said I was the best for you. He said I did a good job helping you!”

- “Ah, yup! You were really helpful.” - Pat pat pat.- “Then, I’ll be glad. Thank you for taking the time.”

- “It’s oki. I don’t have much to do anyways. I just do magic.”

- “Yes, that makes me wonder- Daien, what do you do in the Court?... Ah- I didn’t mean to sound rude, I’m just curious.”

- “Well, Dad said I should be there. So I’m there. They talk about the war and so, but… Uhh… How to say it…”

- “Mnh?”

- “I feel like I never know what to do. So I’d rather not say anything. If I say something stupid, the Director’s gonna get mad.”

- “Oh… I feel that. I was so nervous the other day- I felt like the Count was going to beat me up-”

- “Right? The Director is just really mean-”

Time passed like waves, a stream of air. I started playing around with the sleeves of my new uniform.

I consciously ignored the life sentence that had been imposed upon me, and kept focusing on talking to her. Her calming presence, the warm spring air, the lively voices of the crowd far away as the carriage finally left the city…

It was going to be fine, yes.