My feet were barking. Followed that GPS for 8 hours and got tired as a dog. "Turn left here, turn right here, and crawl through this itty-bitty-hole there." I almost threw that phone across the cave. However, I kept my peace. But, despite my good behavior -- I was met with a terrible fate. See, I came on this little fork in the road. Didn't think nothing of it.

<Avoid the Left Path.> the phone whispered at me.

"Bet."

I said, "I'm gonna take a peak."

I wish I hadn't.

I tell you the truth -- on everything I love. 500 of them cookIecutter spiders were all over that wall. The webbing was thicker than molasses. Girthier than porn ads say that can make you in 30 days. Legit. And since I swore, I admit… I yelped. A little bit. And every single one of the spiders heard and looked directly at me. I lit out of there. I was gone. Never ran faster in my life. Sure enough though, I heard their feet slapping the cave walls. I will never forget that sound. These little niggas actually mimic the cries of their victims. They're like mini dommes. They get pleasure out of seeing folks tortured.

While wondering if I soiled my pants, I heard the most beautiful words I ever had.

<Safe Area ahead. Monsters cannot enter>

(There was one catch, but we'll get to that.)

I dove into that safe zone like a footballer on fire. Then I heard the sexy thunderous roar of hundreds of spiders hitting an invisible wall. As I was jumping for joy and kinda making fun of them, I did not see that I had brought a friend with me. That was the catch, if a monster was on a human in some way… Well. It could enter.

When that spider bit down into my back, I screamed and said curses I dare not repeat. I tried throwing my weight on him, but he didn't let go, so grabbed it by its leg and yanked it over my shoulder (He took a nice piece of my back with him). I then proceeded to stomped that little bastard into a red smear.

Soon after, I fainted like some Victorian grandma who got bad news.