("I see, I see, I see the light in your eyes and I want it. It's burning bright like a fire from a comet. Take your heart out the box, I won't harm it. If you want it, then I want it. We could be utopia, utopia. You and me, utopia, utopia...")

So here I am with music, my old friend. Lying on my bed after running away like a coward. I just had my breakfast and I'm doing what I've been doing a lot these days. Thinking.

_______________________________

I don't even know how I woke up early, but when I woke up in the morning and noticed Kai beside me, I freaked out. The soft morning sunlight percolating through the curtains made the surrounding glow with a warm radiance. The filtered golden rays caressing Kai's face made it look angelic. While sleeping, he looked just as beautiful. That unguarded and relaxed expression on his face filled my heart with an unexplainable warmth. He was still holding on to me, which refreshed my memory. He was asleep right, ugh why would I do that? Maybe I was sleep deprived. I rubbed my face in frustration. I peeped at Kai through my fingers' gaps, he's still sleeping peacefully. Awww. NO. Not the time.

I carefully removed his arm and lay it beside him. He stirred a little, but didn't wake up. I fixed the covers on him a little. Then covered the curtains better and left the room. After using the bathroom, I went to the hall. I messaged home to come pick me up. Duke, David, Marvin, Ezra and Liam were already up. Felix was still asleep on the couch so they were sitting on the floor. I don't know how he's still asleep with all the lights and sound. Ezra loves the bean bag, so he never passes up an opportunity to use that. He looks so comfortable; it looks like he's sinking in it. But he looks totally awake, in contrast to David and Liam. Marvin looks fully awake as well.

"Hey Marc, good morning."

"Hey Marc."

"Hey guys, good morning. Wow, you guys are early risers. When did you wake up?"

"It hasn't been that long." Ezra answered.

"Duke woke up early, I woke up as well." David shrugged and yawned.

"I woke up 'cause Lance kicked me." Marvin said smiling, showing his teeth. Others just shook their heads.

"And I woke up because I was sleeping on the floor. Because now we're sitting on the floor." Liam yawned as well.

Ezra just looks fresh so I assume he woke up by himself. Ugh early risers.

"You hungry? Well, Felix usually makes the breakfast, and he's still dead asleep..." David poked Felix and there was no reaction.

"Nah it's alright."

"Did you sleep fine?" Duke asked me. It made me remember last night again; sleeping beside Kai and holding each other.

"huh... yeah yeah."

"Is Kai still sleeping? He was really tired huh..." David asked me this time.

"Yeah, he couldn't sleep at first. I guess it's the change of surrounding."

"Oh, how'd he sleep then? You sang a lullaby or something?" Ezra asked me, smiling.

"Oh.. he.. he just did after a while I guess. I fell asleep."

"Hmm..."

Jeez, what's with all the questions. I could feel my cheeks warming. They dropped the topic and got back to discussing trivial stuff, but here I was trying to calm down. I caught eyes with Marvin because I felt a stare on me. Sure enough, he was looking at me. He had that, how can to explain it, an 'I know stuff' look. Or am I just over thinking... Does he know I was there outside the room? No... I was really careful. He just smiled at me, so I smiled back. It was kind of awkward.

Then I got a message from Mom saying she was there. I panicked and messaged to come pick me up, even though I told mom I would stay till breakfast. I don't know, I'm a little scared and confused; I just wanna go home. It seems I fell in deep. I'm crushing so hard. So bad. Ugh, I need help.

"Hey guys, my mom's already here. So... I'll see you tomorrow."

"Marc, you should've had breakfast. Felix is an awesome cook."

"I'll definitely stay next time and I'll apologise to Felix as well." I waved them goodbye.

"Also...when Kai wakes up, can you tell him... I didn't want to wake him up and that my mom was already there so I had to leave early?"

"Sure, Marc..." Marvin said to me smiling. It's the dragging of the words for me... it's kind of weird.

_______________________________

After thinking for a while, I decided to call Books. I don't have anyone else whom I can trust with matters like these, anyway. Can't ask my friends here, of course. I still have so many questions in my head.

("And they put me back in my cell, all by myself. Alone with my thoughts again. Guess my mind is a prison and I'm never gonna get out.") I lowered the volume and dialled Books' number.

"Hey Marc. How're you?"

"Good morning Books. Yeah, I'm fine. How 'bout you?"

"Yeah same old. Ooh you missed me so fast?"

"Ha ha... I do miss you, but um... I need you help..."

"Oooh sounds serious, how can I help?"

"I...need your help with someone I like."

"Finally! Who is it?"

"Well... I... I like Kai." I checked to see if my door is locked properly and it was.

"Huh... isn't he your friend there? Wait... oh... OH!"

"God Books, tone it down." I was already embarrassed to talk as it is.

"Wow... okay. You guys are really close right? You sure?"

"Yeah... I'm sure."

"How?"

"Well, it's just like how you start liking a person. I don't know. You're thrilled to see them, you dream of them and stuff." I said shrugging, it's not like I'm good at explaining things.

"Don't you get happy to see me? Don't you ever dream of me?" Ugh now he's pulling my leg.

"I don't have dreams of kissing you. I could never see you that way. Ew."

"Aww, why not?" I know he's holding his laugh.

"Ugh stop..."

"Okay, you're sure then. Cool."

"Huh. That's it? You aren't surprised or anything? I've never liked a guy before..."

"Oh... I thought you were bi or something... I don't know."

"What?! How?"

"I don't know, I've seen you admiring guys too. Like he's handsome or looks cool and stuff. And it's not like you've dated a lot. It was just Joe for a short while. And that girl who confessed. You turned her down."

"That's just observations, and you can admire someone who looks good. I've never had feelings for a guy before. But true, I don't have experience and I never thought about my preferences before either." Damn, this is making me even more nervous.

"Okay, it's all right. Don't be nervous. Let's talk about your current situation. So tell me what's wrong? Does Kai have a girlfriend or something?"

"No he doesn't. He's gay. I don't know about a boyfriend. He spends all the time at school with me or the guys. If he had one, he won't be a student here."

"Then you don't have a lot of competition Marc! That's nice. He likes guys too."

"Doesn't mean he'll like me! We're really close friends. What if he can't like me that way?"

"Hmm you're right, it can be awkward and weird between you guys. So what should you do?"

"I don't know. My mind is a mess."

"Let's sort this out patiently. Tell me, when did you start liking him. After you found out he was gay?"

"I don't know when. From all the thinking I've done, I'd been dreaming of him for a while. Before I found out he was gay. I just started liking him somewhere along the line, I look forward to spending time with him. I love his smile, his voice...Then I had a dream on Saturday where I kissed him... I mean, you don't have such dreams with just anyone. I get so nervous when I'm close to him now. It was so hard to fall asleep beside him at the sleepover yesterday." I can't tell him the details.

"Aww you guys are a couple already. Cuddling and all huh..." Oh my god, we did kinda cuddle.

"No Books..."

"Hmm so your revelation is recent. Okay so how do you plan on confessing? Well, you have to confess or we won't ever know what'll happen."

"How can I confess? I can't be rejected, I'll lose our friendship as well."

"True.."

"Wait... I should try to woo him, get him more comfortable with me. Then ask him a little personal questions. Like his type and if he likes someone. I think he's single for now. I'll slog my way up to a confession! Yess! That's a good plan."

"Woo? Pfft- Marc."

"Ugh Books tell me a better plan then."

"Okay, this sounds good. Just... don't be too conscious and jumpy around him."

"You're right. It was a nightmare last night. God, I'm so nervous even thinking about it. How am I going to confess?"

"It'll be fine Marc. You can do it. Take this step by step."

"Hmm okay. Well, thanks for helping me come up with the plan all by myself, Books."

"Well, you got it while talking to me so I deserve some credit too."

Then both of us started laughing.

"What if he likes someone else? You have to be prepared..."

"Ugh Books why do you need to say it now? I'll ugly cry for a while and get back to normal in a few months then. Let's just not think about this now."

I won't be but I don't want to think about that now. I want to feel this confidence for at least a few minutes. 

"All right. You're right. Go woo Kai. All the best!"

"Thanks Books. Let's do this!" I fist pumped in the air with determination flowing through my blood. 

Let's woo Kai. 

Songs used :

- Utopia by Lykke Li

- Mind is a prison by Alec Benjamin