Chris hit the punching bag with all his strength and stopped, sighing in frustration. There was no point in lamenting anymore, he no longer had Eric by his side and he could no longer get him back. Even if he thought about forgetting him and going in search of that man who made him change his perspective on alphas, it wasn't a good idea either. It was the stupidest of ideas. He lost Eric to an alpha that he would never see again in his life.
Looking at the punching bag, he thought to himself, what if I saw it again? Would it be easy to forget what I did to Eric, the love I had for him, and be with that alpha I've only seen once?
Will I be able to love him like I loved Eric?
But he could never know, because he knew he would never see him again.
He hated that his mind was a sea of confusions, on one hand there is the great feeling of guilt for what he did to Eric, and on the other hand, there is that melancholy of knowing that he wouldn’t see that alpha again.
“...Chris? Chris!” Chris came back to reality and saw Alec peeking out from behind the punching bag. “You've been staring at nothing for a long time, is everything okay?”
“I'm fine, I was just thinking.”
“And what were you thinking that you wouldn't hear me call you?”
“Little things,” Chris answered quickly, getting back to his routine.
Alec held up the punching bag looking at him with concern.
“You're still thinking about that, right? Don't feel guilty about what happened.”
“How can I not feel guilty?” Chris hit the punching bag so hard that Alec had to take a couple of steps back after the jolt. “Do you realize the gravity of the matter? Of the damage I caused Eric?”
“I know these are topics that a beta like me can never understand,” Alec began, rubbing his wrists. “But… haven't you ever thought that maybe things should have been like this?”
“Are you telling me it was fate that I hurt Eric? Don't fuck with me.”
“No, but maybe you should never have been together to begin with. Alphas and omegas will always attract each other, no matter how hard you fight it, instinct calls in the end.”
“Fuck the fucking instinct, I make my destiny.”
Alec sighed.
“And what do you want to do with your destiny now?”
Chris hesitated and Alec continued.
“Eric is probably moving on with his life, why do you insist on tormenting yourself?”
“Because I don't deserve to go on with my life as if nothing, not when even though this guilt is killing me, I still keep thinking about that man.”
“Chris…”
“Alec, I hate myself for what I did to Eric, but I hate myself even more because I have no regrets. But maybe that's my punishment.”
“What do you mean?”
“I hurt Eric and I'm paying for it by longing for a man I'll never see again.”
Chris held back the urge to cry, he didn't want to cry again, he had cried too much with his father Noah, and he didn't want to cry in a public place. He didn't want to be weak in front of anyone.
Alec quickly understood, continuing to talk about it would only make Chris feel worse. He sighed long and tried to distract him with other exercise routines.
It worked for the moment, but Chris knew those thoughts would come back to his mind over and over again. Still, he sincerely appreciated Alec's initiative in helping him improve his mood.
Chris usually went to the gym on his motorcycle, but the traffic was so terrible that he preferred to take the subway. On the way back to his house, the subway station was so crowded that he actually preferred to be stuck in traffic rather than in a sea of people.
As he waited for the subway train to arrive, his cell phone rang. It was an email from the digital content editor of The New York Times website. His new publication appears to have been approved by the executive editor and will be posted on the website the next day.
Chris stared at the screen of his phone as he smiled wyrly. From the university he longed to have a job this good, that would give him the opportunity to write about subjects that he liked and above all, be in an important newspaper. However, since he started dating Eric, that desire was stalled as he focused more on his relationship with him, wanting the best for Eric first before himself.
He remembered Alec's words and reflected: did things really have to be this way? Did all this mess have to go through to encourage me to take a better job? My work life improved, but at what cost?
It really seemed like Eric was a stone in his shoe, only that in his case, he put that stone himself and even knowing that that stone was there, he refused to remove it. He endured thousands of miles walking with that stone, enduring discomfort and pain at every step, just because he fell in love with that same stone.
It is masochistic to love what hurts.
But that doesn't justify what he did.
If touching a rose a thorn hurts you, you can simply let it go. But in Chris's perspective, what he did was cut the stem and pluck the petals from it. Was it necessary to destroy a rose by a simple prick?
Was it necessary to sleep with an alpha because of his job frustration?
Chris sighed in frustration, shaking his head. He was rambling too much and starting to come up with absurd theories only to deny the most obvious.
It just happened. That simple
He loved Eric, of that he has no doubt. But that night… When he met that alpha, when he felt that sweet pheromone smell, when he saw him act so different from other dominant alphas, he liked him. Despite the alcohol, his heat cycle, he really liked that alpha.
He loved Eric but that night it was as if only him and that alpha existed.
Eric, I loved you. But that night, as if by magic, that love disappeared. I feel guilty for cheating on you, for loving you for years but forgetting you in one night.
And Chris knew well, that if he saw that alpha again, he would throw himself into his arms again. He felt guilt without regrets.
How more absurd can his life be now?
Finally he had accepted reality, finally he had reached the end of the rainbow.
But it was too late, the golden pot at the end of the rainbow was empty.
He would never see that alpha, Mark… ever again.
His cell phone rang again. It was an email from the newspaper's executive editor, Joseph Craig, where he was congratulating him on his writing and also sending him an invitation to visit him at his office.
He was barely able to answer him when the subway train arrived. The small calm in the crowd disappeared and many people began to try to enter the cars in a hurry. Chris was dragged away by the human tide and only made it to the entrance of the car.
It was only a matter of time for the doors to close, but suddenly he felt his life pass in front of his eyes.
A man was trying to push his way through the crowd, trying to get away from the cars and towards the stairs that led to the exit.
The amount of people outside the cars was exorbitant, however, after recognizing that man, it was as if only he was outside.
It can't be… Mark? Is Mark here?
Chris's heart soared with excitement. All the worries of a moment ago disappeared and he wanted to run out of the car, through the sea of people to go to that alpha that he never thought he would see again.
Mark, here I am! Look at me!
But it was impossible. The doors closed and the subway train started off. In a few seconds he lost sight of him.
It was a pretty funny situation. He couldn't reach Mark but he didn't feel sad at all about it, on the contrary.
Mark was here in New York. He could be anywhere in the country, but he was here, in the same city as Chris.
Could it be that fate is giving me a new chance?
He gripped his gym bag tightly, smiling to himself.
Eric, I hope you can forgive me for everything and move on with your life. I want to put my mistakes behind me and start over.
Because he is here.
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