Shit. Shitshitshitshit. What the hell Alex, WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

But John's mouth was so soft. And Alex hadn't kissed someone like this before.

Alex pulled away. John opened his eyes and stared at him, his mouth agape. "Um," he said.

FUCK. FUCK ALEX HE DIDN'T LIKE IT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

John's brain felt like it was short circuiting.

Did... Did Alex just... Kiss me? And... I think... No, I definitely liked it.

Alex felt panicky. People were looking, weren't they? He glanced around. No one seemed to be looking at them, but it felt as though a thousand eyes were watching him.

John was still staring at him. Alex flushed.

"I...I have to go," he stammered. He grabbed his jacket off of his chair and fled the coffee shop, sprinting across the courtyard.

John's brain snapped back together a second too late.

"Alex! ALEX, WAIT!" He cried. He snatched up his own jacket and ran after Alex, leaving both of their coffees abandoned on the table.

As he dashed across the green, Alex replayed everything in his mind. John hadn't pulled away, but that could mean that he had been taken by surprise, not that he had liked it. And by the look on John's face, he had definitely been taken by surprise.

"Alex! ALEX, COME BACK HERE!" He could hear John yelling at him from across the quad. He picked up the pace.

Alex was running out of breath- and distance. He had covered most of the courtyard by now and was heading for the dorms. He had no idea where he was going to hide, but he had to think of something fast- he really didn't want to have to face John.

It was at that precise moment that his brain chose to panic.

Oh my God. Oh my God. What's John going to think? What if John ISN'T GAY? WHAT IF HE IS AND HE THOUGHT YOU WERE THE WIERDEST PERSON HE'S EVER MET?! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, ALEX?! YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE GUY FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER-

The thought hit him like a train. He hadn't thought about that before he had kissed John. He had to live with him for at least the next four months, no matter how this turned out.

He was near the dorms now. As soon as he got the chance, Alex slipped in besides one, leaning against the wall. His breathing was way up, his mind racing. Alex felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest. He slid down the side of the building. He could feel his vision tunneling, his body shaking. In the back of his mind, he was telling himself to breath, to do the focusing exercises he needed to do to control a panic attack. He knew he needed his medication. But the only thing he could really seem to focus on was how bad the situation felt.

From far off in the distance, Alex heard a familiar voice.

"Alex, thank God. I thought I'd never- Alex? Alex, are you ok? Alexander!" John sounded scared out of his mind.

"Alex, can you hear me? What's wrong?!"

"Panic attack," Alex managed to gasp out. He was trying to focus on John's words, but it was like trying to focus on one particular tree while driving past it at 100 miles per hour.

"Okay, okay, hang on, just breath, okay?" John was trying not to panic himself. "Alex, what can I do? Do you need water or-"

"Medication," Alex gasped, "Dorm. Bathroom. Red cap, orange bottle."

"Okay. Okay, I'm going to have to call Peggy to get it, I'm not leaving you here alone." Alex managed a nod, and John grabbed his phone out of his pocket.

"Please pick up, please, please," he prayed as he dialed her number.

She answered on the first ring. "Oh, hey John-"

"PEGGY! Thank God! Ok, I'm in the middle of a crisis right now, there's no time to explain, but I need you to go into my dorm room and find the orange pill bottle with the red cap on it. It's in the bathroom; I need it NOW."

"Okay, hang on, where are you?" John was amazed that Peggy was managing to keep calm while having all of this thrown at her.

"I'm at Morgan Hall. You still have a copy of our key, right?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in a sec."

John hung up and knelt next Alex. "Okay, Peggy's coming. She should be here soon. Just, like, put your head between your knees for right now and close your eyes or something." John bit his lip.

"I would, but I'm trying not to throw up or pass out- or both," Alex wheezed. He shut his eyes and leaned against the wall.

A minute seems like forever when you really need something, John thought as he watched Alex. It felt like a year had passed before he heard footsteps behind him. He stood up and whirled around to see Peggy sprinting towards them, the pill bottle clutched in one hand, water bottle in the other.

"Thank you!" He exclaimed, and he knelt next to Alexander again.

"Okay, Alex, how many pills do you need?" He asked.

"Just one."

"Okay, here." John placed one small, blue capsule in Alex's shaking hand, and he handed him the water bottle. Alex gulped it down and leaned against the wall again.

John didn't really know when he started holding Alexander's hand...it just sort of happened. But it made him feel better, like he was actually doing something. And he wanted his roommate to know that he was there, even after Alex stopped shaking and his breathing evened out.

Alex blinked his eyes open. He looked like he had gone a week without sleeping, and John was worried he wouldn't be able to get back to their dorm without passing out.

"You okay?" John asked tentatively. Alex nodded and stood up. He was a little shaky, but other than that he felt fine.

"Do you need anything?" Peggy still looked worried.

Alex shook his head. "I'm fine, really," he muttered. He was embarrassed; not many people had seen him this way, but at the same time he was too anxiety-ridden to care. He felt as though his body was on high alert, like there was something about to attack him.

When they got back to the form, Alex immediately went into the bathroom and started rummaging around in the medicine cabinet. John stayed at the door, leaning against the frame while he talked to Peggy.

"Thank you, Pegs, you've saved the day once again." John smiled at her, and she smiled back. "I'm just glad Alex is okay." Peggy peeked over John's shoulder at the bathroom door. "Is there anything that could have set off his panic attack?"

John blushed and looked down at the floor. "I'll tell you some other time."

Peggy gave him a quizzical look but nodded. "I get it," she said. "See you later, Laurens." She smiled again and closed their door, leaving John to watch over Alex.