They were at some bar-somewhere. Alex didn't know, he just knew that he was probably drunk and that he didn't care.

John was happy sitting next to him, happily humming some random song and sipping on some type of drink.

"Let's go somewhere," Laf suggested from Alex's other side, and Alex sighed. "Laf, we already are somewhere."

"No, I mean go to somewhere that isn't a bar."

Alex shrugged. He had nothing to lose. "Okay."

Hercules stood up. "Okay, losers, get in the car. I'm the designated driver." He motioned to the door. "Okay, dad," John muttered, and stumbled out. Alex rolled his eyes and followed him. John wasn't hammered, but he definitely didn't know if he was able to make good decisions or not.

They went to the trails in the park down the street. The moon was shining bright above them, glinting off of the river that ran next to the path. John was holding Alex's hand and they were leaning against each other, while Laf and Herc were arguing up ahead. Laf was talking about something from France, occasionally switching over to French and back, while Herc was desperately trying to follow along to no avail.

"Hey, look up there." John pointed up at the bridge up ahead that stretched across a sizable waterfall. "This is my favorite part of the trail. It's always so peaceful." He smiled at Alex.

The group stopped in the middle of the bridge and watched the black water tumble onto the rocks at the bottom, the spray lightly misting their faces.

Lafayette lightly punched Hercules' arm. "I dare you to stand over the railing," he smirked, and Alex glanced up. "I will," he said, and John looked at him with a startled expression. "What?" Alex asked. "It'll be fine." He swung one leg over the railing, then the other, and stood there looking at the drop. The water shone with moonlight, relfecting back his image. The rocks at the bottom were covered in mist. It looked like something out of a travel magazine.

Alex hadn't seen that many waterfalls at this height.

A fall from this high up would probably kill someone.

Huh.

He took one hand off of the railing.

"Alex-" John's voice was full of warning. Alex stared at the water.

Just let go. The voice in his head was back.

"Alex, you can come back over now." He could barely hear John over the noise filtering through his ears.

Alex took his other hand off of the railing.

He stood there and closed his eyes. His foot moved forward a few inches until it was halfway off of the ledge.

No more pain. No more panic attacks. No more sleepless nights.

He leaned forward.

Hands grabbed at his arms and hauled him back over the railing. He sprawled on the ground, cement scraping his palms.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" John was screaming at him. Lafayette and Hercules were staring at him, worry etched across their faces.

Alex slowly got to his feet and stared at the ground, keeping quiet. The only sound was the water crashing into the rocks.

You should be down there right now.

He flinched at the thought.

"We're going home."John's voice was sharp enough to slice throught the air and leave invisible marks on Alex's heart.

They filed back to Hercules' car. Everyone was deadly silent on the way home and he refused to look anyone in the eyes, even when Herc and Laf said goodnight and went into their room.

Alex climbed onto his bed and burrowed into the blankets. He didn't want to talk to anyone, especially not John.

Evidentely the Fates did not agree with his decisions.

"You're not getting out of this that easily," John growled, and yanked the blankets back. Alex rolled away from him.

"Just leave me alone," he whispered.

"I don't think that I should!" John exclaimed. "Not if you're going to pull a stunt like that again!"

Alex shut his eyes. He just wanted to go to sleep and forget this whole thing ever happened.

"What were you thinking!" John was yelling at him now. "Do you even know what you were doing?!" Alex felt a surge of anger and shot up. "Yeah, actually, I did!" He screamed, and John froze. "Please don't tell me you mean that," he whispered, and Alex stared at the ground.

"Alex..."

He still didn't say anything.

"Alexander, please just talk to me." Alex shook his head.

"Yeah, right, just be quiet and ignore this, like you always do," John muttered, and he turned away.

"What do I alway ignore, John?" Alex asked, glaring at the other boy's back.

"Help, Alex, you need help, but you won't let anyone do anything."

"Because I don't need help!" Alex exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

"Oh, right, because you think that I don't notice that you never sleep or that you try to hide panic attacks from me or that you still eat so little food that you rival a plant!" John scoffed.

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"BECAUSE I WANT TO HELP YOU!" John screamed. "YOU NEVER LET ANYONE HELP YOU, ALEX!"

"MAYBE BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I ASKED FOR HELP NO ONE GAVE IT!" Alex screamed back. "WHY ELSE DO YOU THINK I-" he cut himself off and squeezed his eyes shut.

"What happened last time, Alex?" John asked softly. Alex just shook his head again.

He couldn't relive that night.

Not again.

"Alex, please, I'm right here, please. Just-just let me in. Let me help you." John's voice broke and he looked away.

"You don't want to know." Alex's voice was shaky. "You'll hate me."

John shook his head, "Alex, I could never hate you. I love you. So much." His eyes were pleading.

Alex took a breath.

Do you really want to do this?

You're fat.

You're so, so stupid.

No one wants a freak with scars.

You're just a weak coward.

He shut out the voices in his brain and slowly pulled off his sweatshirt to reveal the short sleeved T-shirt that he had on underneath.

John's expression was quizzical as he scanned Alex's body, then his eyes went wide.

Really wide.

He took a step forward, then another, until they were inches apart. Alex stared at the ground, refusing to look at John's face.

He felt a hand gently take his wrist, then slowly turn it over. John sucked in a breath.

Alex turned his face away.

This was why he didn't show people. Because then they would either think you were a freak, or they pitied you. And Alexander hated the attention.

"Alex..." John's voice broke the silence, shattering it like glass. "Why would you do this?"

Alex forced himself to look at John. His eyes glittered with tears, and Alex looked away again.

"I needed it to stop. And nothing-no one-was helping me. Not even when I asked for it."

John pulled him into a hug.

"Some of these are new," he whispered, and Alex sighed. "I know."

"Why?..."

"Because I don't deserve you, John. I don't deserve this, I deserve to be dead like every other person that was killed in that hurricane. I'm weak."

"Alexander, you are not weak. You're like the strongest person I know."

"Yeah, the strongest person who was about to step off a bridge. The strongest person who had a panic attack because of a nightmare that I shouldn't even be having at this point."

John let out a long sigh, obviously not wanting to argue about this.

"What would this be?"

It took Alex a second for the realization of what John was asking to click.

"Second attempt."

"Why?"

Alex groaned, "John, I already told you why-"

"No, Alex, stop giving me bullshit about being weak, tell me the truth."

Alex hung his head. "I don't belong here," he muttered, "and sometimes I think the world would be a better place without me around to mess it up."

John was silent for a bit. "You and I both know that's not true," he said finally. "Because then there wouldn't be anyone around for Jefferson to throw coffee on." They both let out a weak laugh.

"But seriously, Alex. You can do this. We'll get you on antidepressants-"

"Already on them-"

"We'll get you on stronger antidepressants, then. And you have to promise me that you will ask for help when you need it." John stared at Alex, who blinked back, then sighed.

"Fine. Yes, I promise."

"Thank you."

"And this-" John traced one of the smaller scars- "you can't do this again either. Okay?"

Alex just nodded. He was so, so tired. Emotional stuff takes a toll on your body, even if you don't realize it.

John hugged him again, and Alex wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.

I'm so lucky to have him.

Even though I don't deserve him.

When they broke apart, Alex bit his lip, thinking. "What are we going to tell Laf and Herc?"

John ran his hands through his hair and sighed. "Honestly? No idea. But we'll figure something out."

"Well, I'm going to bed," Alex said after a bit of silence, and grabbed his pajamas to change. He watched out of the corner of his eye as John stared at the angry red scar tracing it's way up his forearm, and he stood back up quickly and pulled his arm back around behind him, hiding the other with his clothes. It still felt awkward when he told people-or when they figured it out.

When he came back into the room, John was cruled up in bed, laying under a pile of blankets.

"Why do you have so many blankets by the way?" Alex asked, slightly amused. John snorted. "I'm from South Carolina. It's freezing here."

"Dude. I'm from the Caribbean. You can't get much warmer than that."

John just shook his head. "Whatever, Mr. Jack Sparrow."

"What did you just call me?" Alex exclaimed, laughing. John grinned at him, "You heard me."

"Okay, well I'm going to pretend that I didn't, and I'm going to sleep.

John snuggled farther down into his covers. "Night, Alex."

Alex smiled. "Goodnight," he said, and switched off the light.

So this chapter was originally 20,000 and something words so I had to cut like A LOT of words. Idk it might be 4 parts to this we just have to wait and see :3 and I really don’t know what to title this chapter so if u got any ideas that is better than idk anything that I was thinking of plsss put it in the comments :3 and cya tomorrow