Chapter 11

The Hastidals explain to us what each thing is, and we have a fairly relaxed, normal lunch. Daxa and Ailsa chat about different traditional nepalese dishes, where it turns out Dray was born. The siblings tell us a little about how they grew up in Nepal, before travelling here when Dray was quite young.

I listen quietly, not really sure what to say, until Dray (I’ve started referring to him by his first name, as it gets too complicated with calling him Mr Hastidal when there’s another Hastidal, and he’s been doing the same for me) breaks off from the conversation, chatting to just me instead.

“So, I trust you got home safely last night?” He asks, pushing his plate to one side now that he’s finished. “Yeah, we live sort of close, actually,” I explain, remembering how it only took about 10 minutes to get from his to my apartment.

“Really? Where do you live?” He asks, and before my brain can tell me how giving out my address is a bad idea, that he could come and kill me in my sleep, my mouth runs away with itself, without consulting logic or paranoia.

“7th street, at the end,” I explain, before the fact that I just told someone where I live sinks in. Maybe I’m getting less paranoid, in which case, this is a good thing. It’s like when I offered to take Dray home yesterday - I did it automatically, and didn’t get all panicked over it.

Smiling to myself, I feel a lot more positive until the bell over the door tinkles, alerting Daxa to a new customer. Her face lights up, and she waves at the person, calling over to them.

“Dean! Over here!”

I freeze as the name sinks in.

“Dean, you never make mistakes. You should teach these shits a lesson, so that they’re more like you, a true asset to our organisation.”

Suddenly, my shirt collar is choking me, and my vision is getting blurry. Glancing down, my hands are shaking like crazy, so much so that I can’t even trace the lines of my tattoo. Each inhale is painful, and I have to get out of here.

Everyone on our table is already looking at me with worry, except for Daxa, who is talking to this Dean. He’s just some poor random guy, but it doesn’t matter. I can’t stand that name.

“Ailsa, get me out,” I gasp, glancing at her with pleading eyes. She instantly jumps in to action, reaching out to help me up from my seat before realising that’s a mistake, and she quickly drops her hands to her sides, instead moving other people out of the way.

“Is Fyfe ok?” Daxa asks, or at least I think it’s Daxa’s voice, but I can’t really tell over the ringing in my ears. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to hang on for just a moment. I’m not having a full on freak out in front of a bunch of strangers and my coworker, I’m seriously not doing that.

This is bad enough, and it looks like I’m just not breathing properly. “He’s having an episode, I’m so sorry, I promise to come back later but I have to get him out of here,” Ailsa explains, ushering people out of the way so I can leave.

“Wait! Follow me, there’s a little garden area outside, it’ll help to calm him down more than outside, where it’s busy,” Dray explains, and I nod, my eyes still firmly squeezed shut as I try to focus on keeping the memories away for as long as I can.

“Fyfe? You’re gonna have to open your eyes, unless you let me touch you, in which case I can lead you there,” Ailsa says, her voice soft and gentle. I nod, not daring to open my eyes, in case I see Mikey or Caleb or anyone from that time.

She takes my hand so gently, but I still flinch slightly at the contact. “I’m not going to hurt you, Fyfe. You’re safe with me, I promise,” she says quietly, and I nod again. “I know, I really do,” I whisper, my voice not coming out any stronger than that.

After a moment of walking, Ailsa’s hand leaves mine, and I gingerly open my eyes. The three of us are in a little garden (yes, my coworker is, unfortunately, still here) with a few benches and even a cute little pond. I’d admire the space a little more, if my brain wasn’t trying to kill me.

“Do you want me to stay?” Ailsa asks, and I really don’t know. Sitting down on a bench, I lean forwards, holding my head in my hands. “Yeah,” I breathe out shakily after a while. It’s more comforting to know that she’s there, even if she can’t do anything.

I don’t know how long we spend like that, me on the bench with my eyes closed and my head in my hands, Ailsa waiting silently next to me. I don’t even know if Mr Hastidal is still there, I assume he’s gone, but it doesn’t really matter.


Because I didn’t have a proper flashback. I got the memories, sure, but I get them a lot. However, I wasn’t convinced I was back there. And I’m proud of myself. That’s the first time I’ve heard that name without being transported back to that place by my own mind.

But, I staved it off long enough that eventually, the memories calmed down to their usual dull thumping as they try to smash their way into my mind. Sighing heavily, I lean backwards, opening my eyes.

“We’re in the clear,” I say, turning my head slightly to look at my big sister. She smiles, nodding at me. “Well done, I’m really proud of you.” I grimace, sitting up properly to look around the garden. It’s a really cute space, and as I thought, Mr Hastidal is gone.

“How much of that did the Hastidals see? Because that’s gonna be awkward as shit,” I groan, rubbing my eyes. Ailsa smiles gently, standing up from the bench. “Daxa saw you have breathing troubles, that’s it. Dray…he essentially just saw you have what looks like a nasty headache. Although, he heard what I was saying to you…will it bother you?”

I shrug, standing up. “Probably, I don’t know. I can play it off as a headache or a panic attack. I’m just glad no one saw me have an actual attack, that shit’s pretty grim,” I say with a wry smile as we begin to walk back to the front of the restaurant.

“I’m just gonna pop in and thank them, and also pay Daxa for the meal. You can stay outside if you want,” she smiles, opening the door. Taking a deep breath, I follow her in. Might as well show them how fine I am, and how it was totally just a headache.

“Ailsa! Is Fyfe ok?” Daxa asks, instantly worried, until she sees me, and I have one of those tried and tested fake smiles on, with my hands deep in my pockets, so that any residual shakes won’t be seen.

“I’m completely fine, sorry about that, I get really bad headaches sometimes,” I say - I mean, it’s kind of true. Mr Hastidal- Dray, not sure when I reverted back to Mr Hastidal, but whatever. Anyway, he walks up to us, concern evident on his features.

“Seems like a pretty awful headache! Do you get them a lot?” He asks, and I grimace, shrugging. “Sometimes, but it’s fine,” I say nonchalantly, like it doesn’t make me want to die every time it happens.

He nods, in that awkward state where he clearly wants to ask follow-up questions, but has no idea if we’re close enough for that. Well sorry my guy, but no one is close enough to me for that, except my sister. I don’t even tell my parents about it.

Only Ailsa knows, and that’s because she has to know. She took me in as soon as I left the police, AKA she saw me at my worst. She needed to know what was going on, so she didn’t make things worse for me, and could help push me along my healing process.

And, she’s done a great job. We both have. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to be able to open up to anyone else anytime soon - hell, I can’t even tell people I used to work as a policeman, even that’s too hard, as it’s synonymous in my brain with that time.

Ailsa finishes paying Daxa, and it seems like in the end, Ailsa managed to convince Daxa to at least let her pay half - Daxa was determined to give us the meal on the house, but Ailsa was adamant that she pay the full price, so it seems like they came to some kind of compromise.

I smile politely as we leave, whilst Ailsa is grinning at Daxa - apparently they’re already firm friends, which is nice for them. Ailsa is amazing, and anyone is lucky to be her friend. “Goodnight! See you on Monday,” Mr Hastidal calls out, and I nod, waving back at him with a small smile.

At least now, it’s a genuine small smile, rather than the fake big ones I spend my life doing. Mr Hastidal has been making me smile, really smile, quite a lot these past few days I’ve known him.

And I’m not entirely sure why that is, but I’m happy about it, whatever it is.