Noah paces from one end of my living room to the other.
Back and forth, over and over, like he’s trying to wear a path into the floor. His eyes are unfocused, darting around my apartment without taking anything in. He’s kneading his palm, twisting his fingers together.
Moonlight tumbles through the trees beyond the windows, casting shadows that stretch over the walls, shifting over Noah as he moves.
I’ve lost track of how many times he’s gone back and forth at this point, but I get the sense that he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. It’s as if the movement is independent of him. Like he’s drifting ten stories above his own head, and climbing higher.
I stand in the middle of the room, hugging myself, watching him. Seeing Noah this upset in my apartment brings me back to the night when he first showed up here, after the brawl with Ralph.
But this is different.
Noah was scary that night, combative and destructive, ready to snap. Tonight, he’s vulnerable. Disarmed. I haven’t gotten a good look at his eyes - you’d think that looking at me would blind him, the way he’s avoiding my gaze - but the quick flashes I do catch are startling.
His grey irises are storm clouds. Hazy, dark, blurred at the edges.
He does another lap. I bite my lip, wondering if I should step into his path, break the flow of his continuous movement.
Before I can do anything, Noah comes to an abrupt stop. He sinks down to the floor, leans back against the wall, and starts rubbing his temples in small, tight circles.
I hesitate, then cross to him.
I sit down by his side, leaving him some room. Noah drops his hands into his lap and goes still. Unmoving, unspeaking.
I break the long, tense silence that followed us up from the sidewalk.
“Might help if you just say it.”
Noah lets out a pained, humorless laugh. “No, I really don’t think it would, man.”
I remember how both Melanie and Raj assumed that I was going to react badly, that they would have to defend themselves.
“Hey.” I give Noah’s shoulder a gentle nudge. “Anything you say stays between us. And I promise, whatever you have to tell me, I won’t judge you.”
Noah’s eyes finally meet mine, and a stab of sympathy burns through my chest.
He looks so defeated.
“You will,” he says hollowly. “You will judge me.”
“No, honestly. I won’t.”
Noah peers into my face, like he’s looking for the lie there. But he doesn’t find it, and he seems to remember that I’m literally incapable.
He turns away again, his expression strangely blank.
“Dude, you clearly need to talk to someone about this,” I tell him. “Look at you! Come on, just tell me what-”
“Think I’m in love with Melanie,” Noah blurts out, all in a rush, stumbling over every word.
A ringing silence falls over us.
I knew this already, but hearing Noah say it out loud is something else, and I can't help but stare at him.
He swallows, then folds his arms on his knees and drops his head onto them.
It takes me a second, but I think I understand what’s going on.
The situation with Mel is a lot for Noah to handle, even without his feelings for Raj in the equation. So he must have stuffed down the part about Raj, and only processed what makes sense to him: the way he feels about Melanie.
“I don’t know what the fuck to do, man,” he says hoarsely. “Don’t know how to explain it. I’ve never felt like this about someone before. I didn’t realize it, but I’ve been wading around in the shallow end, before now. And suddenly I’m in, like, fathoms deep.” He lifts his head, tilts it back against the wall, and takes a shaky breath. “I hate myself. Don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”
“Nothing is wrong with you!” I say immediately. “It’s okay, you don’t have to-”
“It’s not fucking okay, Jamie!”
He says it so forcefully that I flinch away from him. Before I can blink, he’s back on his feet, his hands balling into fists.
“Are you even listening to what I’m saying?” he snaps, his volume rising with each word.
I get up, too, holding out my hands. “Noah, I-”
“How the fuck could it possibly be okay?” He looks at me with wild eyes, his breathing too fast, too shallow. “Can’t you fucking see-?”
“Hey,” I cut in sharply. “Don’t yell at me. I’m in your corner. You know that.”
Noah manages to take a breath, running a trembling hand across his forehead.
“I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at myself.” He puts his palms on the back of the couch and leans into them, closing his eyes. “You don’t understand, man. Raj is the best fucking friend I’ve ever had. He’s changed everything for me, and he’s never, ever made me feel like I - like I’m…” Noah’s voice wavers. “I finally have a friend like that, after all this time. So of course I had to go and fuck it all up, somehow. That’s just like me.”
My heart twists, and I step closer. Noah presses his hands over his eyes, trying to steady himself out.
“Of all the women in the entire goddamn world, his fiancée. His wife, basically. They have a baby together.”
Noah falls silent, and though I’m desperate to respond to what he said, I force myself to wait. I can tell that he’s got more, he just needs a minute.
“The dumbest thing,” he says eventually, “Is that it’s all just in my head, right? So I should be able to let it go and move past it, but I swear to god, Jamie, I fucking can’t. I’ve tried everything I can think of.” He lets out an exhausted breath, his shoulders sagging. “I can’t take this anymore. I’m not gonna do anything to hurt Raj, but I also can’t ignore the way I feel about Mel, so - I figured the best thing for me to do is just go. Leave. For good.”
He sees the look on my face, and waves a hand at me.
“Don’t look so worried, dude. I’m not going to. Because apparently I can’t do that, either. Seriously, I was planning to leave way before Nik was even born, but I just kept putting it off. Every time I’d think about going, I felt like someone fucking punched me in the stomach. And now? Now that Nik is here?” He tips his head back, blinking hard. “Like - it’s horrible enough to think about being apart from Mel and Raj, but I can’t fucking imagine being apart from Nik. Even thinking about it fucking kills me, man.”
I move closer to Noah, rest a hand on his shoulder. He turns his face away, hiding his expression.
“What do I do, man?” he rasps. “Can’t stay, can’t go. Can’t change the way I feel, can’t do anything about it. Can’t take being there, can’t take being away. Seriously, what the fuck do I do?”
I hesitate over my answer.
I’m very afraid to make a misstep. Maybe Noah can’t bring himself to leave Mel and Raj, but he can definitely get mad and leave my apartment. He’s only got half of the picture, and I don’t want him to make any decisions before he understands the rest.
“You can talk to Raj about it. That’s something you can do.”
“Talk to Raj about it?” Noah lets out a humorless laugh, shrugging my hand off of his shoulder. “Jesus fucking Christ, Jamie.”
“I’m serious, man,” I tell him, fidgeting anxiously with the sleeve of my flannel.
“Great fucking idea, bro.” Noah scowls at me. “Yeah, that’s just wonderful. That’s gonna go super well. You know what, I am the master of accidental self-destruction, and even I can guess how the fuck that would go.”
“I know it sounds scary, but you and Raj have such a tight bond, I really think that-”
“Dude, that’s exactly why I can’t fucking talk to him about it!” Noah’s anger falls away all at once, and suddenly his grey eyes are blurred with tears. “I can’t do anything to jeopardize - I have too much to lose, okay? I have too much to lose. Raj is my best fucking friend, I love him just as much as I love Melanie!”
My breath stops in my mouth.
Here we are, arrived at the inescapable, inevitable truth.
“You love him just as much as you love Melanie,” I repeat. “Noah, you - you just told me that you’re in love with Melanie.”
Noah freezes, breathing hard, staring at me with wide eyes.
“Don’t." A tear escapes down his cheek, and he dashes it away on his sleeve. “Don’t do that. Don’t confuse me. It’s not like that. I’ve thought about it a lot, okay? It’s not like that.”
I’m tempted to tell him that the fact he’s been thinking about it a lot means something all by itself, but he’s already so stressed out, and I’m not sure that it would help.
“Seriously, man,” Noah says heatedly. “It’s not - I’m not... look, I see how you are with Aiden, and you guys seem really happy, and I’m happy for you, but I just - I know that I don’t want that. Okay?”
It dawns on me why I keep catching Noah’s eyes lingering on me and Aiden when we’re cuddled up together.
He’s been searching for the missing link in his feelings for Raj.
“I am not attracted to guys,” he insists again.
“Well, that’s good,” I answer, “Because I don’t think that Raj is, either.”
Noah pauses, his eyebrows furrowing. “So - then - what are you talking about?”
“Noah, you do realize that romance and attraction don’t always go hand in hand, right? Like - you can love Raj, you can be in love with Raj, and not want to be with him like that.”
Noah blinks at me, then glances away, his confusion written all over his face.
“But - I told you, man, I feel that way about Melanie.”
“Or,” I say slowly, “Do you maybe, um. Feel that way about both of them?”
Noah stares at me, his expression indecipherable.
There’s a long silence before he speaks again.
“So - if I do,” he stammers, his voice breaking, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? That makes everything worse. That’s even worse. That’s - holy shit. Holy shit, Jamie.” He starts to breathe faster and faster, panic flaring in his eyes. He looks like a man who’s just realized that he’s slipping off a cliff. “Oh, my fucking god.”
Noah starts to back away from me, and I seize his wrists.
“Dude, don’t you see that this might actually solve your problem?”
“Solve-? How does this solve anything?”
“Has it really not occurred to you that Raj and Mel might feel the same way about you as you do about them?" I ask. "Do you not see the way they look at you?”
“What?” Noah seems dazed, overwhelmed. “Which one of them?”
“Both of them.”
Noah looks at me as if I’ve started speaking backwards. “Both of them.”
“Yes, man, both of them.” I tighten my grip on his wrists, holding him in place. “If you want to be with both of them, and they both want to be with you, is that not a solution?”
Noah wrenches his hands free, glaring at me.
“What the fuck are you even talking about, dude? They have each other. They don’t need me.”
“I think you’re very wrong about that.”
“Jamie, what-? You’re saying - the three of us…?”
“Yes,” I say firmly. “The three of you.”
Noah narrows his eyes, like he’s trying to figure out whether or not I’m being serious.
“Just how the hell is that supposed to work?”
“It can work. I’m telling you, it can.”
Noah scoffs, then turns away, running a tattooed hand over his mouth. I keep quiet for a minute or two, waiting, but he doesn’t say anything.
“I know that it’s been difficult, figuring this out,” I say quietly. “But I think you’re there. Deep down, you know what you really want, don’t you?”
There’s a heavy silence.
“Yes,” Noah says, so softly that I barely hear him.
I try to bite back my smile, unsuccessfully.
“So - if you know what you want,” I say gently, “Then… stand by it.”
Noah is obviously gearing up to argue with me, so I forge on before he can.
“You deserve to be happy, Noah. If being with both of them is what would make you happy - and I mean, come on, it clearly is - then don’t you owe it to yourself to at least try to make it happen?”
Noah considers for another moment, then steps back, shaking his head.
“I can’t, okay? I can’t. For a billion reasons.”
“Like what?” I ask, my heart sinking.
“Like - what about Aiden?”
“Aiden?” Now I’m the one confused. “What does Aiden have to do with this?”
“Maybe you forgot, bro, but Melanie is Aiden’s ex-girlfriend.”
I stare at Noah, baffled. “Um. So what?”
“So what? We were friends the whole time that he and Melanie were going out, isn’t he going to think I - isn’t it gonna be weird, or-? I know that he was mad when he heard about Ralph asking her out. It’s different with Raj, he and Aiden only met this summer.”
Knowing Aiden the way I do, this hadn’t even occurred to me, but I can understand where Noah is coming from.
“Oh. Yeah, you really don’t need to stress about that. He’s not gonna be pissed, I promise.”
“Are you sure?” Noah sounds unconvinced. “Because Aiden is one of my best friends, too, and he only just came back into my life, and - Raj isn’t the only friend I don’t want to lose.”
I’m sort of touched, hearing that. I smile at Noah, and an idea comes to me.
“If you’re worried about what Aiden thinks, then let’s call him. Get him over here.”
“What?” Noah’s head jerks back, panic stirring in his eyes again. “No, dude! Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Aiden will be cool about this, I know he will. And he can give you his perspective on your situation, which really might help, because-”
I cut myself off, realizing that I was about to say: because he’s bi, and I think you two might have some things in common.
“Just trust me,” I say instead. “Can you please just trust me? And trust Aiden. You know him. You know that he’d want to be here for you, right now.”
Noah drops his gaze to the floor, blinking hard, working through his thoughts.
“Okay,” he mumbles. “Okay, yeah. Call him.”
Warm relief instantly floods through me. I could really use Aiden’s help right now.
“Is it okay if I tell him some of what we talked about?” I ask.
Noah hesitates.
He nods silently, then turns away from me, shaking his head like he can’t believe himself.
~~~~
I step out of my apartment just in time to see Aiden rush up the last flight of stairs.
“Hi!” He takes my face in his hands, slightly out of breath. “Are you okay? You sounded weird on the phone. What’s going on?”
Where to start, honestly?
“Um, a lot,” I answer. “Noah is inside, and he’s really going through something. I need some backup.”
“Okay, I’m here,” Aiden says, adjusting his snapback. “Fill me in.”
“I’m gonna let Noah explain, but there’s one thing I want to tell you before we go in there, because I know that you’re about to get way too excited.”
A puzzled crease appears between Aiden’s eyebrows. “Okay…?”
“I think,” I begin slowly, “That Noah might be bi-”
“What?” Aiden interrupts. His eyes light up, and his mouth drops open into a surprised, delighted smile. “Are you serious? That’s - wait, so there’s been another bi in the group this whole time, and I didn’t fucking know? And it’s Noah? Oh, my god, I’ve gotta go give him a hug.”
Aiden starts to rush past me, and I spread my hands on his chest, stopping him.
“Um! I was going to say that I think Noah might be biromantic, but I’m not sure if that's exactly it, yet. And he only figured it out like, ten minutes ago, so - yeah, he’s pretty upset. There’s - just - a lot more to the story.”
Aiden quickly grows serious, then sympathetic.
“Aw, Noosh," he says. "Okay, okay, I'll chill out. I'm glad that you called me.”
I give Aiden a fierce, tight hug. I’m already calmer for having him here, and he hasn’t even done anything yet.
“I’m glad, too,” I tell him, and open the door.
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