"I really am sorry," he said, and John looked over at him. "I know," he said, and opened his laptop. "I just have a lot on my mind."

"Oh. Okay." Alex swallowed and paused. "It's just that you just seem mad at me. If you're mad at me, please just tell me, because like, if you want to break up with me it's totally fine because I know I'm weird and I never shut up-"

"Alex." John was standing in front of him, holding his hands. "It's okay. I'm not breaking up with you. Just breathe."

"I'm sorry," Alex muttered, and John shook his head. "I'm not breaking up with you," he repeated. "I just really hate my dad, okay?"

"I know. He's an asshole."

John rolled his eyes in agreement. "Yeah, he is."

X

Alex was tapping his hands on his thighs, bobbing his head to the music that was coming out of his earbuds. John was playing with Charlemange the turtle, while also trying to study his Law book, which was open on his lap. It wasn't really working, since John kept having to move Charlemange around so that he could read, and then the turtle would just move back into the center of a paragraph.

Alex started drumming his fingers against the edge of the desk, humming along to whatever song he was listening to. John watched him, an amused look on his face.

The sound of tearing paper interupted his moment.

John looked down at his lap to find that a chunk of the page in his book had been ripped out-and had now taken residence in Charlemange's mouth. He sighed and picked up the turtle, getting up and walking over to the tank, where he put the reptile back and looked in dismay at his now-ruined book.

"Alex?" Alex continued to drum along the side of the desk. John walked over and yanked the earbud out of Alex's ears, music blaring out of the tiny speakers. "Alex?"

"Seriously? That was a good song."

John rolled his eyes, "Can I borrow your Law book? Mine just got eaten by a turtle."

"Excuse me?"

John held up his book as evidence. "My turtle ate my homework."

Alex raised his eyebrows, "I don't think that your professor is going to believe that."

"Yeah, well, then I'm just going to get screamed at by two people instead of one if I don't study. Can I use your book?"

Alex nodded towards his bag, "Take whatever." He popped his earbuds back in and resumed hunching over his laptop, the keys click-click-clicking away.

John rummaged around, finally coming up with Alex's Law book. He sighed when he saw that it was covered in notations. And that Alex had read ahead by at least three chapters.

John opened to the chapter and started reading, trying to ignore Alex's scribbled notes in the margins. He felt like this was a weird take on the book The Half-Blood Prince from the Harry Potter series, but instead of a cool potion book with secret spells they were talking about how to handle an Appeal.

After suffering through the chapter and writing down his own notes (in his own notebook, because otherwise Alex would flip), John stood up and stretched. He was tired and wanted something to do other than study, but midterms were less than four weeks away and they felt like a fire-breathing dragon bearing down on his back.

Alex's music was turned up so loud he could hear a few strains of it, even from across the room. John leaned closer; he recognized the notes from somewhere.

No way...

John excitedly bounded over to his boyfriend and yanked an earbud out, listening. "Um-What are you doing?" Alex asked, looking at John warily.

"You're listening to Phantom?!" John screeched excitedly, and Alex nodded slowly. "Yeah..."

"YES!"

Alex raised his eyebrows in question.

"Oaky, so Herc and Laf and I all went to the same high school, plus we were in band together. So we all saw Phantom in ninth grade, and ever since they've had to deal with me listening to it, evne though they didn't like it as much as I did. Now I have someone who isn't burned out on the songs!."

"Wait, wait, wait," Alex interupted, putting up his hands in a "stop" motion. "Herc and Laf were in band?"

John nodded, "Yep. Laf played trumpet and Herc played flute."

Alex grinned, "Okay, seriously. What did Herc play?"

"The flute!" John insisted, and Alex burst out laughing at the thought of Hercules' giant form playing the tiny, delicate instrument.

As though they had been summoned, a knock sounded at the door. John crossed the room and opened it, and Laf and Herc walked in.

"What're you guys laughing at?" He asked, and Alex grinned at him. "So I hear that you used to play the flute?"

"It's a dignified instrument!" Hercules defended, while Laf and John started laughing along with Alex, who turned to Lafayette. "And you played trumpet, right?" He grinned.

"Oh, be quiet, you petite lion," Laf said, and Alex looked at him with a amused yet quizzical expression on his face. "Petite lion?"

Laf shrugged, "Yes, you are like a little lion cub: small, fierce, always slightly angry. You see it too, non?" He asked John and Herc, who were smiling.

"He's right, Alex,"John said, a laugh bubbling up under his voice, and Alex pretended to roll his eyes. "I guess I'm just going to have to start calling you Jack then."

"Don't." John's demenor changed instantly, his voice turning sharp, his eyes unnaturally hard. "Don't ever call me that."

Alex blinked, taken aback. John had never acted like this before. "Okay," he said quietly, "I won't."

John softened a little, lowering his head in a slight nod. "Thank you."

Hercules cleared his throat, trying to break the sudden tension that was crowding the room. "Laf and I were about to head out. Maybe get pizza. You guys want to come?"

John shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. He felt bad about snapping at Alex, but that name...he couldn't deal with that name. "Sure, I can go. Alex?"

Alex shook his head a little, shoving his hands into his pockets and taking a step backwards. "I'm going to stay here. I, uh, I have an essay to work on." Truth be told, he didn't want to deal with crowds and people and eating in public-and John, who he figured needed a little space. But he did have an essay to work on-it just wasn't a class assignment. It was his own.

John shot him an apologetic look, and Alex gave him a tight lipped smile. He sat back down in his desk chair and turned towards his laptop, "I'll see you guys when you get back, 'kay?"

"Don't work too hard," John said, and Alex nodded, still staring at his laptop. He heard the door close after a few seconds, then waited for a few more before he popped his earbuds in.

Music and words, that was how he had dealt with panic in foster homes and it was how he dealt with panic now.

X

John stared sullenly at his drink, listening to Hercules and Lafayette talk about one of the classes that they had together. He fiddled with his sweatshirt zipper for a minute before pulling out his phone. He wanted to talk to Alex, but he knew that Alex probably didn't want to talk to him.

The look on his face when John had snapped at him...

Guilt twisted in his stomach.

"John?"

John looked up to find Laf and Herc watching him with a little bit of amusement written on their faces. "Huh?" he asked and they smirked in unision.

"Talking to Alex?" Herc asked, and John shook his head. "No, but I feel bad that I yelled at him like that, though."

"I wouldn't say yelled," Laf mused, "just a intense sharp retort." Hercules chuckled and John felt his cheeks turn pink.

"I hate that name, you guys know that," he said, and they both nodded.

"He's not here to call you that. He's miles away," Laf said softly, and it was John's turn to nod. "I know." But I just...can't, was the thought that followed the sentence.

They were all silent for a bit until their pizza came. John piled three pieces of cheesy, hot goodness onto his plate and took a bite, not wating for the slice to stop steaming. It burned his tongue, but it was worth it.

Maybe he'd take some back for Alex.

X

Alex stared at his piece of pizza from the cafeteria. He'd taken it back to his room so that he could work, and now he was regretting his choice. It was just his luck that tonight's dinner was pizza, and that he hadn't avoided it by not going with his friends. At least the pizza they're having is better, he thought as he took a bite, wincing at the feeling of grease on his lips. He forced himself to eat the whole thing, then gladly crumpled the paper plate and shoved it down deep into the trash can.

He sat back down at his desk and put on his music again, turning the volume up. He needed to just drown out the voices in his head for a little while, just until John came back.

But the familiar panic built, rising in his throat as time went on, and Alex eventually shut his computer and pressed his hands to the sides of his head, shoving the earbuds into his ears as far as they could go. For once he wished that his brain would just shut off and quiet down the stuff in his head.

He took his hands off of his ears and dug his nails into his palms, leaving the now-familiar crescent moon shaped indents. Alex drew a ragged breath.

Why are you freaking out? You have nothing to flip over.

But Alex was now subconsciously counting how many calories were in pizza, and thinking about his razor, and how he couldn't do this, he needed that, he needed to bleed, he needed punishment, because he lost control and now fat and grease were swimming through his bloodstream and he was a disappointment anyways, no matter what any of his friends or professors said.

Pain helped calm him down. Pain helped center everything, made it clearer, or at least made him think of pain and only pain, and not how he fucked everything up once again.

Alex let out a choked sob.

Why are you doing this why are you doing this why why why whywhwhywhywhy

And now John had taken his only razor, because Alex had fucked up once again and left it out because he was weak and couldn't keep his shit together, and now he was going to sit here and have a fucking panic attack over a slice of fucking pizza.

He ripped out his earbuds and lurched out of his chair, shoving open the bathroom door.

Don't do this don't do this don'tdothisdon'tdothisyoushouldn'tbedoingthisALEXLISTENTOYOURSELF

Alex locked the door behind him and fell to his knees in front of the toilet. Holding his hair back with one hand, he shoved his finger back as far as he could into his throat, wincing. He leaned over the toilet and retched, coughing and gagging.

God, he hated himself so much.

Alex's eyes watered. He was crying now, tears slipping silently down his cheeks as he dry heaved. He rested his forhead on the edge of the toilet for a second, closing his eyes.

He hadn't done this since he was fifteen.

He stood up shakily and flushed, washed his hands and swished water around in his mouth, then spit it out. He looked at his reflection in the mirror: a short, skinny kid with flushed cheeks and bright, watering eyes with dark circles underneath them.

What was he going to tell John?

No. No, he couldn't tell John, wouldn't tell John. John worried about Alex enough, he didn't need him to worry about this too. And anyways, this would never happen again. It was a moment of weakness, it was a mistake, a flaw in judgement.

Alex stared into the mirror until his image was blurred and warped, until he no longer recognized the person reflected back at him.

X

John opened the door to find Alex laying on his bed, reading a thick book that, to John, resembled a brick rather than a novel.

Alex looked up and smiled at him, "How was pizza?"

John held up a small take-out container. "I brought you some. I figured you were too busy writing to remember to eat."

Alex appeared to pale slightly at the sight of the container, but John dismissed it as a trick of the light. Alex shrugged, "I went down and got something to eat at the cafeteria."

And then you made yourself puke it back up. Alex winced at the thought. John looked at him, concern in his eyes. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I just have a headache." The lie rolled off his tongue smoothly, and John nodded, not taking his eyes off of his boyfriend.

"I'm kind of tired," Alex continued, "I think I'm going to go to bed soon."

Okay, now something really was wrong. Alex never went to bed early. It usually took John groggily getting stumbling out of bed, grabbing Alex's laptop, and then putting it underneath his pillow before Alex finally gave in and went to sleep.

John stared at him. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, my head's just bothering me." That part, at least, was true. His head was bothering him, just not in the way John thought.

Alex showered and changed into pajamas, taking two sleeping meds instead of just one. He just wanted to go to bed and put this day behind him.

As he pulled back the blanket, he heard John's voice behind him: "Love you."

Alex turned and smiled a little bit, pushing down the guilt that was now gnawing at his stomach.

"Love you, too."

X

Hey guys.

So this chapter was a little hard. It was hard to write, it was hard to read. It was hard to edit.

I write mostly off of my own experiences. Yes, I've dealt with this kind of thing, Alex's issues; actually, most of their friend group's issues, for a while. I've had an eating disorder for some time, same with self-harming. I have an anxiety disorder, I get panic attacks, I have borderline severe depression, and I have OCD.I'm okay. I'm in an okay spot. I read a lot. Listening to musicals helped (and still does). I don't like dealing with my emotions, so usually I just shove them down as far as they can go and then bury them underneath Hamilton songs (I know it's unhealthy but it's better than making myself puke like I used to or cutting). Writing is the best thing to do so far. I talk to a therapist every other Monday (shout-out to you, Sarah, even though I know you'll never see this. I love you!)I still get panic attacks a lot, but they're becoming more manageable. I'm not passing out from them anymore, so that's good. I try to focus most of my energy into school, writing, and riding my horses.

I still have a lot to say, especially on all of the issues with Alex, the Revolutionary Set, and myself...I'm just not ready to say them yet. I don't have the right words as of now.

Just please stay safe, everyone. And I love you, all of you. Remember that.

X

*I do this so much in my advanced English class, my teacher wants to kill me most days.

*At Honors Band this year I literally saw this giant dude playing a flute and it filled me with happiness, so here ya go.