It is unpleasant. Dying is. Some may say it is peaceful. Others that it is like nothing. They are wrong. There is nothing peaceful about this pain. I don’t ever want to experience it again. I don’t ever want to die again. In the moments before the end, the brain remembers all the horrible things that have happened to you. It’s like a dark dream. A nightmare which you cannot wake from. I can see it, feel it. My past deaths, the burning pain of dying. Being torn apart. Tearing others apart. Yin’s broken face shuddering as the wolf reaches inside for another bite. Over and over, it’s amazing how much you can remember in that one little god-awful moment.

“Hey, you alive?”

“HAHHH!” I wake up, crashing into a girl’s face. It’s the same one from my dream. The same one which was lying there, just like that, but this one isn’t screaming for me to help her. “No! No! NO!” My despairing cries cause everyone around to back away as if I’m infected. It’s…she’s…not the same…it’s…all reset. Why…when we were so close to winning? Is there no justice?

Is justice what you want?

It’s all in my head. The Gray isn’t in control. Stop…stop…just relax…we’re alive again.

“OWWW!” Yin clutches her head, rubbing the spot we clashed. She’s the only one who isn’t worried just about herself. Her kind eyes are the same as I remember. Not like the dead, empty ones from my dream. I try to convince myself it was all a dream. Yes, just a dream. None of that was real. This is the only real reality. Let it go, calm down.

“This guy is wasted, look at him, he looks like he’s seen a ghost!” Donovan’s familiar voice doesn’t piss me off anymore. I look at him like what he is.

A dead man walking.

“This time. I won’t make any mistakes.” My cold, unfeeling voice causes even Yin to back away in fear. The other traitors quickly take her from me and make to leave. I watch them as they go into the afternoon sunset. As she’s pulled away, Yin calls back.

“I’m sorry if I scared you! We’ll be going North! Just follow the star if you need help!” Her hopeful voice is quickly hushed by the traitors, but it still brings a dull smile to my lips.

“Yes…I think I will.” I mutter under my breath as I get to my feet. Everything is the same. The same scenario, the same variables. My cleaver is in my coat, I’m not a Hunter anymore. The only thing that’s different is me. I’ve found my resolve, no…my conviction! “This time, I’ll save you. No mistakes”

When they are gone, I take a moment to gather myself. My heart is still pounding. While everyone has forgotten the future, I remember. The previous times I died; the Gray was in control. Everything had a somewhat surreal feeling, even if I still experienced it all. This time, the sword driving into my skull was so real. It sticks with me differently. For a while, the world spins, I’m lost in the sickening sensation of oncoming death.

“Hurrk…” I almost puke.

Before the Calamity, I used to imagine what it was like to die. I’d always wrinkle my face when I thought of the loneliness and utter isolation. Now that I know what it’s really like, I think I’d rather go back to my imagination. Even though I’m alive and breathing now, I feel different. Every time I come back it’s like a little bit less of me makes the trip back.

“Eurgh!” Bile coats my throat, but I force it back down. There’s work to be done. It’s about time.

“HELP!” As expected, there’s a cry as Yin’s party meets the zombies. After experiencing this twice, the situation fails to excite me like before. I’ve…lost the sense of urgency I had before. Leisurely, I take my time walking to the gap between the two buildings. I know that it will be a while until Yin’s companions are dead. Should I let them die again? But what’s the alternative? If I let them live, they’ll just betray me and Yin again at the worst time. No, better that I should take care of any problems before they start. That’s what got my in trouble last time. I wasn’t decisive enough! Who knows how many times I can come back? This could be the last time. I need to be better than this!

From in-between the buildings, I watch impassively, just out of sight as Yin’s companions are wiped out. Even last time, I felt something, rage at least, when they died. But this time, watching them, it’s like there’s a screen between us. I just…don’t care whatsoever.

Like Yin said, I have a good reason to let them die. Saving them would harm her in the long run. I can do more good by taking my time.

When the last one has been dragged under by the Fresh Undead, I rush out to play hero once more. To be honest, I might not have done a very good job of keeping up the façade. Yin stays perfectly safe of course. But she flashes me an odd look in-between the terrified screams. Perhaps it’s something to do with my impassive face which is probably closer to that of a Death God than a human. It’s just I know exactly how this will play out already. I feel like an actor just rehearsing my lines.

“Donovan, Rui, and the others are going to reanimate in a second.” I whisper into her ears as I pull her to shore. She looks at me with wide eyes.

“H-How do you know our names?” She asks and I curse myself for being a little careless.

“I heard them when you guys passed by. Now stop asking questions and listen to me. You need to help your friends. Or else they’re going to eat you.” My instructions are predictably followed by refusal, denial, and the other useless emotions holding Yin back. I should persuade her like last time. It’s important for her to understand that her friends are no longer her friends anymore. Though I’m sorely tempted to just do her friends in myself, eventually I get through to her. “KILL THEM!”

“HAH!” The poor girl wanders through the reanimated bodies of her friends and I help her finish off each and every one. This time I don’t listen to her when she gets to Rui, no matter how she begs.

“No more exceptions, Yin. You have to grow strong. You have to learn to be ruthless.” I whisper while holding the pink-haired zombie down for her. When the cleaver slides in, tears fall along with blood. But she does it all on her own. Her friends are at rest.

*Thud!*

I have her take out Crassia as well. Yin cries all the while, but I harden my heart. This time, I will turn her into someone who can survive on her own without fail. The worst case almost happened when she refused to kill me last time. If my zombie self had been allowed to truly resurrect, with so many levels after killing that many infected wolves, who knows what would have happened. I might never have been able to come back.

“You need to be tougher.” I say and she gives me an angry glare. It hurts to have her looking at me like that but it’s for the best.

If things go wrong, she’ll be less likely to hesitate.

Walking by the river the next day, I toss my phone inside again, hoping that I’ll never have to see it again. Then I grab a stone and summon the two Drowned Souls inside. I don’t have to help as much this time. I guess my tough love approach is showing results. Though Yin’s expression is hard to look at. She seems so sad standing with my cleaver by the two frog-like corpses.

“Crassia would have turned into things like these if you hadn’t helped her.”

“Shut up. You didn’t know her. Don’t talk about my friends like you knew them.” Yin’s bitter voice echoes across the burbling cold river and I have no reply. It’s true. While I knew most of her party, I never had a chance to interact with Crassia before she died. Though judging from how she came as a resentful Drowned Soul, she might not have been a nice person regardless. Shrugging it off, I take my cleaver back from her and wash it off before heading to town. Along the way, I explain the things Yin needs to know as a Hunter again. Unlike before when she asked a lot of questions, this time she just listens in silence. I’m a little worried that she isn’t understanding what I’m saying, but when I ask if she needs me to clarify anything she just shakes her head with a dark look.

Damn, it’s like she hates me now.

Unable to reconcile this Yin with the one from my last life, I give it up. After she fell asleep from slaying the rest of her reanimated friends, I held her once again. When she woke up, she scrambled out of my reach and seemed more terrified of me than the undead. Either way, my efforts to be more decisive have saved time. We make it into town earlier in the night. There are more shops open, but nothing really interesting. I don’t bother asking for Yin’s money. I already know how little is inside. Without wasting a moment, I grab the supplies we need as well the replica sword from the stalls and old lady. Then I head to the unoccupied house. Yin stares at me suspiciously as I walk inside.

“Aren’t you going to ask if anyone’s home? Or is this your house?” She wonders. It’s the first thing she’s said in a while and I’m kind of glad she’s talking.

“I already asked one of the vendors. This one’s unoccupied, the owners are dead, so we can spend the night here.” I lie. Well, it’s not technically a lie, I really did ask one of the vendors in my past life. “I’m going to shower first. You can take the room on the right.”

“Right…” Yin shrugs and enters beside me.

After my shower, I go to my room. Yin stands outside the bathroom on the second floor and gazes down at me as I finish eating a sandwich.

“Um, I guess I should say thank you.” She says uncomfortably. I don’t even look up from my sandwich. Yep, that’s Yin for you. Even when she’s angry, she’s still nice. “You know, for saving me and all. Even though you’re kind of a prick, I’m grateful. And I know you’re trying to help me for some reason. Hey, are you listening?” She huffs a little and I finally look up from my meal.

“Yes, and you’re welcome. Look, I don’t know how to say this.” I stretch, getting ready for bed. But I feel a little bad for how I’ve forced her to suffer all day. “But you’ve gone through a lot. And the Calamity is only going to get worse from here. Please, bear with it. And understand, that if I ask a lot of you, it’s only so that you can learn to become a better Hunter. I’m going to help you survive this world, whatever it takes.” Though my words are awkward and probably very strange sounding, Yin is Yin. She seems to pick up on my sincerity and gives me a little wave as I head to bed.

“Goodnight, Hei. Thank you for protecting me.”