Outside I am greeted by the familiar sting of a bitter gust of fir scented wind. I tug my scarf higher over my face and pull the hood of my jacket up over my head until all I can see is the dirty snow covered street beneath my worn out boots.

I fumble around in my bag until the back of my hand brushes against the familiar shape of my Magitek Device. Instead of the smooth, square outline of the regular models mine is a bit more round and bulky due to some alterations I have made.

I sign my password sigil over the activation button to unlock it until I come face to face with the blue of my home screen.

However, to my dismay, before I even can open the holographic map of my surroundings to check where the nearest Hoverboard Network Point is, a blue wall of text pops up in front of me.

“Due to the festivities of Hyggsdag, regular services requiring magic such as the Hoverboard Network, Monorail Network and the Transportation Platforms, will stop running after 16:00 PM. The Underground Subway Portal System will keep running until 24:00 PM. After midnight we advise to make use of the non-magical transportation services, such as the Sleds, as they will keep running as usual. We wish you all a very warm Return of the Sun festival this year!”

Ah, shit. I totally forgot about the fact that pretty much everything shuts down on this day. Which means I actually have to use the Portal Train.

What a bummer.

I am not a fan of Portalling at all, especially not in the presence of other people. Of course, today of all days it is more crowded than usual. Even from this distance I can already spot the masses of people trying to get into the Underground Portal Station.

Well, let’s just get this over with.

I hoist my bag higher on my shoulders and start zigzagging my way across the street until I am in front of the entrance of the station.

Right away I get stuck behind a group of people who clearly have no idea how to check in at all. They must be tourists from one of the islands in the Xiora region. I quickly squeeze between two of them and check in with my Magitek device.

“Hey”, one of them yells at me. “That girl just cut in line!”

I just keep going without turning around. Normally, I wouldn’t do something like this, or at least I would have shouted an apology. But after spending more than half of my day in that place I am kind of desperate to get home as quick as I can.

Even though I have not been here in years I vaguely remember that I have to take the escalator down on my left which, thank the Goddess, is in the opposite direction most of the crowd is going in. I guess everyone is busy trying to get to the city centre for the festivities.

As I am going down the escalator I get distracted by the loud advertisements that are playing all around me in colorful motion. Currently they are all related to one thing only.

The final of the Gravball World Tournament.

Ever since its invention a couple of decades ago the world has been absolutely obsessed by it.

Nowadays the players who manage to make it to the top are even more worshipped than some of the actual gods. I am also pretty sure that with just this one match those grav players will probably make more money then I will ever do in my entire lifetime.

This year they even went as far as to change parts of the station into Augmented Reality Zones.

I touch one of the screens on the wall next to me and a holoversion of one of the players that is competing in tonight’s finals comes alive to fly by past my head, showcasing a highlight reel of his best plays of the season.

I am mesmerised by this spectacle until I reach the bottom of the escalator and the scene disappears.

The spell is broken and, once again, I am back again in reality.

Eventually I make it just in time to the Portal Train before it has left, because as soon as I sit down in one of the corner seats, the operator announces its departure. Immediately my right leg starts twitching in response.

I really hope I won’t puke this time.

Breath deep in and out. Just five stops. You can do this Cas.

You got this.

However, it is after the third stop that pretty much everything goes to shit. I hear them before I see them.

“Hey, isn’t that girl over there Casey?”

My heart sinks into my shoes. Without even looking I already know that the face behind that voice belongs to one of my former classmates.

Panic seizes me by the throat in a vice grip and for one split second I am sixteen and back in-

Focus. You are here. Deep breath in. Your name is Casey and you are nineteen now. Deep breath out.

“Oh my god, wasn’t she the one that dropped out suddenly after that crazy incident?”

I pinch myself so hard blood starts trickling down my hand unto my black leggings.

C’mon, c’mon, c’mon. Why is the next stop taking so long?

In the end I keep myself distracted long enough to not lose my shit completely. As soon as the train arrives at the next station and the doors open I bolt out of my seat and sprint out unto the platform.

I can feel myself bump into someone, but I just keep going without stopping or looking back. There is only one thing going through my mind right now.

I need to get out of here. Fast.

I just keep blindly going and going until I finally reach the exit of the station, bursting into the streets where I instantly run into a bunch of other people.

Don’t tell me that they are having a procession for the holidays right here in this fucking street.

Now the panic becomes so much that even my sight gets blurry too.

I just need I need to get away I-

Why are there so many goddamn people?! Move! Just let me through! Please I need to-

I don’t know how, but I manage to keep going until I finally somehow stumble into a secluded sidestreet.

There I promptly puke all over half of my shoes whilst the rest splatters unto the ground.

Fuck. I am not gonna cry here.

But it’s too late for that. Tears of frustration and humiliation are already dripping down my nose and falling to the ground where they disappear into the dirty, mud stained snow.

I hate this. The not knowing when it will come. The not knowing what will set me off this time.

The uncertainty of infinite and eternal and unending, never-ending anxiety.

Sometimes it is kinda hard to live when your own breathing is a trigger.

It is even harder when your own breathing is also the very thing that is supposed to save you in moments like this.

Each time this happens I have to dive deep within myself as to find something to hold on to.

Something sweet enough, just ripe enough to bring me back.

Some people don’t even know how lucky they are. Not constantly having to find reasons to want to breathe, to want to live, is a fucking privilige if you ask me.

Often those reasons are not pretty at all.

Right now, the only thing that is able to bring me back and make me want to focus on breathing is baptized in waters that only know spite.

if I let go now, that will mean that they were right.

If I give up now, that will mean that they will win and that is something I won’t let happen.

So here I am, kneeling in the snow, covered in my own puke, having my third panic attack of the day whilst simultaneously trying to find reasons as to why I should care enough to stop this by doing some fucking breathing exercises instead of just ending myself so I won’t have to go through this anymore.

I don’t exactly know how long I stay like this, only that it is long enough for the procession to fully pass. After I have calmed down I wipe my face on the sleeve of my jacket and stand up to take a look around.

I literally have no clue where I actually am. I was so panicked earlier that I did not notice at all where I was going.

In these kind of moments I thank the gods above for the existence of technology. I quickly check my current location on my Magitek Device and see that I am in one of the eastern districts of the city.

Well, this pretty much means that I am fucked.

My district is at least two hours away by foot from here and that is if I walk very fast.

Sighing, I stand up and dust the snow of my legs. There is no way I will risk running into some of my former classmates again so I guess I have already made my decision.

Walking it is.

It is well past dinner time when I finally reach the outer ring of the sector I live in. Located on the very outskirts of the city it spans from the lower region of the bank of the Sullak River all the way up into the Rulagkkia Mountain regions.

Some days it is rather nice that my house is situated up so high in the hills, but today is not that day. Especially when I have been walking for over two hours already and everybody is making their way down the steps because of the festivities. The very steps that are the only way to get to my street.

This day just keeps getting worse and worse.

After wrestling my way through the descending masses for god knows how long I finally reach the top.

As soon as my feet touch the first cobbled stone of my street I put my hands on my knees to catch my breath. Fuck. I forgot how exhausting it can be to climb those stairs.

It isn’t too long before I hear a familiar voice calling my name. Or well, screeching my name is more like it.

“Cassandra Jean Turner, stars above, where in Temu’s name have you been?!”

I look up to find my grandmother hanging out the window of the second floor of our place with the ashes of a fire magic sigil card still drifting around her. Ah, she must have just finished hanging up the traditional lantern above our shop sign.

Every year during this time open-flame candle lanterns adorn the front of almost every shop in our street. Their flames are enchanted so that they will not extinguish as long as winter rules.

I still remember wandering around the narrow cobbled streets as a kid and often getting lost in the maze of twisting alleyways between all the shops with nothing but the light of those overhanging lanterns to guide me back home.

Our street is one of the last places in the city where you can still find handcrafted items like the beautiful jewellery sold at Ms. Graveliers Crooks and Crannies Antique Store. Or the delicious handmade sweets and pastries at Mr. Snickets bakery. Also, I am pretty positive that my grandfather’s shop is one of the last places you can still find handcrafted magical artifacts.

Combined with the look of the old brick colored timber-framed buildings and the paned glass windows it is almost as if time has stood still in this street.

I used to think that, because this neighbourhood is located north in one of the northernmost cities of the entire planet, that perhaps somehow the winds of time could not reach this corner of the world.

I still am not sure yet if I consider that to be a blessing or a curse.

I smile and wave at my grandma. “I am coming!”

When I open the front gate of the house I notice that there is lying something on the ground. I pick it up and turn it over. It looks like some sort of brown envelope with no address on it. Well, that is kinda weird. I tuck it under my arm and make my way to the front door.

As soon as I step into the house the warm scent of cinnamon and nutmeg envelops me in a hug that is a bit too tight for my liking.

Ah, grandma has been cooking again.

I take my shoes and jacket off and put some house slippers on. Then I walk over to the kitchen where I find grandma surrounded by an army of food. As I already suspected she is cooking with her back towards me.

I take a seat at the kitchen table where I also put my bag and the mystery envelope as well.

“It smells really nice grandma. What are you making?”

“Ms. Frangipa, you know that lady from down the street who refuses to use any technology? She brought some food over this afternoon and I figured I would return the favor by making some sun buns. Since you are here now, would you be a dear and taste one of the ones that are already done for me? I need to know if I added enough spices or not.”

“Yeah sure, where did you put them?”

“They are in that basket over there. On your left side.”

I grab one out of the basket and sit down again.

I take a bite and instantly my mouth fills with this weird bitter taste.

That’s strange. I don’t recall them tasting like this.

Then the coughing starts.

For the second time that day my eyes start stinging with the burn of tears. 

In the background my grandma starts howling with laughter.

“Okay, so I have definitely added enough cinnamon to those ones.”

“Grandma, wa- water!” I eventually manage to get out.

She fills a mug with water and hands it to me whilst still laughing.

I gulp the water down.

“Grandma, that was not funny at all. I could have died you know!” I say, wiping my mouth on my sleeve.

“I am so sorry child, but the way you were puffing and huffing up those clouds of cinnamon was pretty kind of funny,” she says as she wipes a tear from her eye.

“Okay, maybe it was just a little bit funny,” I reluctantly admit. “My throat kinda hurts now though.”

At this she immediately jumps into grandma-mode.

“I will make some tea for you,” she says, grabbing a pot as she turns to fill it with water. “With lots and lots of honey.”

It is when she walks over to the stove that I get a bit confused. “Ehm grandma, why are you using…” My voice trails off as it hits me.

Oh.

It’s pretty simple. So simple that I almost forgot.

We have run out of sigil cards. Again.

My hands ball into fists beneath the table. This. This right here is exactly why I need to take that stupid test this weekend.

So I can officially graduate from that fucking school and get my magic license. So I can help grandpa in the store and make sure we won’t have to be cold or hungry ever again. I can tell by the stiffening in her shoulders that it would be wise to drop this the topic.

So I do. I always, always do.

“How was it at the facility today? You got back pretty late,” she says over her shoulder without looking back at me.

I pluck at the knitted embroidery of the cloth that is draped over the table. I am not sure what to tell her.

Should I lie or not?

Should I be honest or not?

I clear my throat. “Actually… I don’t have to go anymore. I have been cleared.”

At this she stops stirring the tea and turns around. On her face is a frown.

“What do you mean you don’t have to go back anymore? I thought..”

She suddenly stops talking when she notices the envelop on the table. “Cassandra, where did you get that?”