When the next period was about to start, I finally crawled out of my hiding place. I didn’t get all my homework done, but I hoped I’d find enough time to finish the rest before the afternoon classes.

My whole body was aching from sitting on the cold ground, but I tried to ignore it. My cough was getting worse, and my throat was stinging, making it hard to breathe. I felt dizzy when I stood up, and I had to pause for a moment and wait for it to subside. I could almost feel my fever getting higher with each passing minute.

I didn’t care. I didn’t have the luxury of going home to rest.

I waited until the yard was almost empty before I sneaked inside the school and headed to my geometry class. I tried my hardest not to limp or show my pain while I walked. I didn’t want to let anyone know I was an easy target. Well, even easier than normal. The hallways were almost empty, and the few students I encountered were too busy getting to their classes to notice me, so I was left alone.

But the second I stepped into the geometry class, everyone turned to look at me. Beau was there, too, but he acted like I didn’t exist… That felt worse than the hateful stares I was getting… 

I swallowed hard, trying to find my bravery, and hugged my backpack tightly against my chest as I headed to my seat at the very back. My classmates gave me evil smirks when I passed them by. Two of them tried to trip me, but I managed to get to my seat without getting humiliated.

I put my bag on my desk to keep an eye on it so no one could steal it or put anything in it. I’d learned to do so after finding a bag of dog poop hidden in one of the pockets.

When the class started, and everyone had their eyes on their books, I peered at Beau sitting across the room. My heart ached every time I saw him. He was the only one who didn’t harass me, but after that last day at the camp, he’d never spoken another word to me. He ignored my existence completely, and that hurt even more than physical abuse.

“Fags are disgusting! Don’t you dare come close to me ever again!”

I shivered and closed my eyes at the memory of those last words he spoke to me. I held back my emotions and tried to focus on the textbook. I felt so empty. Empty and cold and lonely. I wanted to die, but I was still foolish enough to believe that maybe I could still find happiness. Maybe Beau would someday come to me and tell me how sorry he was.

I dreamed about it every night and even every day. I wished so hard we could be friends again. I didn’t even care if he could never love me like I loved him. I’d be more than happy to have him just as my friend… But that was never going to happen. I knew that already. Beau had made it painfully clear to me he didn’t want to have anything to do with me.

If only I had at least someone… Sometimes I lay on my bed, staring out of my small window and wishing I had someone in my life. Anyone. They didn’t even have to be my friend. I just wanted someone who I could talk to. Someone who’d listen and keep me company instead of bullying me. That was all I asked. It was all I wanted.

But I guess someone like me didn’t deserve anyone. I didn’t deserve anything.

I felt a light thump on my shoulder, and I looked up. For a second, I thought that maybe my wish had finally come true, and I would see a friendly face looking at me. But there was no one. The seat next to mine was empty, as it always was. I turned to look at my book and noticed a small paper ball lying on top of it.

My heart sank at the sight of it. The other kids loved to throw them at me, but I rarely opened them. This time, my curiosity won over reason. I hesitantly picked it up and opened it, but only to see a stick figure with a noose around its neck. The figure was smiling. There was only one word written below the gruesome picture:

Tonight.

I looked around, but no one was watching me. I couldn’t tell who had thrown the paper at me. It didn’t really matter because they all wanted me dead, and even if I went to show the paper to my teacher, he would just shrug it off. For all I knew, it could have been the teacher himself who had tossed it at me.

I turned my attention back to the hanged stick figure and the word ‘tonight’, and quickly scrunched the paper into a tiny ball and shoved it into my bag. I was getting used to the death threats, and frankly, I was too tired to care. At that moment I was feeling so devastatingly miserable that death by hanging didn’t sound so bad.

A silent sigh escaped my lips, and I looked at Beau from the corner of my eye. If only he would talk to me again… Just a simple hi would be enough. Then I could die happy.

But that was never going to happen.

When the lunch break started, I waited for the others to leave before I stood up. I pressed my bag against my chest, holding it like a shield. The teacher gave me an annoyed look because I was stalling and came to push me out the door before slamming it shut after me. I stumbled a few steps before getting my balance back. I heard mean snickering in the busy hallway.

I turned around and saw Beau and two of his friends. He wasn’t looking at me, but his friends were laughing at my clumsiness. I turned my back on them and hurried to the closest exit. Their laughter followed me all the way out, and once again I found myself clenching my fists together so hard the nails dug into my skin just so I wouldn’t start crying.

I hated how weak I was. I hated how easy it was for me to start crying. Real men didn’t cry, but I wasn’t a real man because I liked guys instead of girls. I’d been told that many times. Real men didn’t show their emotions, but I cried every day, so… If I could stop being such a crybaby, would people stop bullying me?

It had been a long time since I joined everyone else in the cafeteria. I had no lunch money, so I had no reason to go there. Besides, it was the worst place for me to be, anyway. It was where all my bullies gathered, and they’d take any chance to corner me, so instead, I rushed through the exit and ran across the yard toward the sports hall. Behind it was a maintenance building, a small shed for the janitor’s equipment. The students weren’t allowed to go near it, but there were no windows at the back of the sports hall, so no one would see me.

It was my best hiding place, and I needed to stay hidden between classes. I hated the breaks. When we sat in class under the teacher’s nose, no one dared to hurt me, but in the hallways and the schoolyard I was an easy target, and the teachers never seemed to be around when I was being bullied.

I hated hiding, but what else could I do? No one cared about me, and no one helped me. I just had to bear it all. I wanted the bullying and teasing to stop, but I knew that was never going to happen.

The small space between the sports halls and the maintenance shed was deserted, as it always was. Everyone feared the janitor, so they kept their distance from that place. No one would ever think to look for me there.

There were thick bushes and a chain-link fence surrounding the shed on three sides, and I had just enough room to squeeze through the gap between the wooden wall and the bushes. I had to be extra careful not to be seen, since the bushes didn’t have many leaves left, but once I was behind the shed, I was completely hidden.

I was safe for the next thirty minutes.

My stomach grumbled demandingly when I sat down on the cold ground, reminding me I hadn’t eaten anything since last morning. There was nothing I could do about it. I’d spent all the money I had saved on my new notebooks. Dad made me do all the shopping, but he gave me the money for it. He was usually too drunk to remember it, so I always kept the change.

I tried my best to ignore my hunger and opened my backpack. I grabbed one of the new notebooks and put the bag away. I stared at the black cover, and I hated it already. I was hungry because of that stupid thing. Because Sean had burned my old notebooks, I’d had no other choice but to buy new ones.

But it wasn’t the notebook’s fault. It was all my fault. I had been stupid.

“Stupid,” I muttered out loud.

I’d been stupid when I told Beau that I liked him. I’d been stupid when I thought he would like someone like me. I was stupid to think that Beau would eventually come around and tell me he liked me. I was stupid enough to think it would actually happen. I’d been stupid when I thought that no one would care that I was gay. I’d been stupid when I thought I still had my dad and my brother by my side after Mom passed away. I’d been stupid to think that they cared.

And I had been stupid for thinking that someone would love me.

“Stupid,” I repeated the word again.

The first page of the black notebook wasn’t empty anymore. I had written the word stupid dozens of times on it. I was stupid. That word described me best.

I felt strange satisfaction when I stared at the words. It felt good to see them on the white page, like they were little truths about me. It was who I really was, a stupid fag who deserved to be bullied.

I heard a voice close by and looked up. I couldn’t see anyone, but I could’ve sworn I heard someone speaking my name. My heart started beating faster, and I swallowed hard. For a minute, I was sure someone had found me, but when I concentrated on listening to the sounds around me, I could hear my English teacher, Mrs. Ellis, talking to someone.

I crawled closer to the corner of the building and peered behind it. Through the bushes, I could see my homeroom teacher, Mrs. Quentin, having a smoke behind the sports hall with Mrs. Ellis.

“Gerry isn’t happy about it. I can’t blame him. That boy is destroying our reputation,” Mrs. Ellis spoke.

“I know,” Mrs. Quentin sighed. “He’s disturbing my classes!”

“Mine too,” Mrs. Ellis spoke and spat on the ground. “That abomination should be expelled, but the board…”

“They need a good reason. If we kick him out just because he’s a fag, all the hippie tree huggers would go nuts! All we need to do is prove to the board he’s not suitable for our school–”

“He’s getting detention already for disruption. He’s also missing classes, so it should be just a matter of time before we can get him expelled,” Mrs. Ellis agreed confidently.

“That can take months! Can we do something?”

“Just keep an eye on him. He’ll mess things up for himself soon enough,” Mrs. Ellis said and dumped her smoke on the ground.

I watched them both walk away. It was clear they were talking about me. I hid behind the shed and wrapped my arms around my stomach. Why did I even bother coming to school every day? No one wanted me there. No one wanted me anywhere.

Abomination… I knew the teachers didn’t like me, but I had no idea how desperate they were to get me kicked out. I had two choices: try my absolute best to attend classes… or fail miserably. The latter sounded like the best option because if I didn’t go to school anymore, no one would bully me.

Yet, Mom would be disappointed in me if I did that. I didn’t want that, but I didn’t want to be in pain all the time, either.

Soon the bell rang, interrupting my thoughts. I put the notebook safely into my bag and got up on my feet, swiping a few leaves off my clothes. I couldn’t see anyone in the yard when I pushed through the bushes and dashed toward the entrance.

For a moment, I felt better. It was surprising after what I’d just heard, but it gave me strength. Hearing the conversation between the two teachers had opened my eyes. For a short, tiny moment I fantasized about dropping out and leaving my bullies behind. It was a great dream.

But when I walked through the huge doors of our school, I saw Sean standing right in front of me. It took him two seconds to realize I was there. He gave me a mean grin when his eyes met mine. That good feeling I had was gone, and the first thing I thought of was to get as far away from him as I could. When Sean started walking toward me, gesturing to his friends to follow him, I found my survival instincts and ran.

I felt the familiar fear rising inside me when I heard Sean calling my name. I didn’t even watch where I was going. I just ran, trying to find a place to hide. I could still feel all the kicks and hits I’d received the day before, and my heart shivered in fear.

There was a corner right in front of me, and a stairway to the upper floor just behind it. If I could reach it, I’d have a small chance of getting rid of Sean and his friends. A few steps later, I reached the corner…

And ran straight into something big and solid.