Chapter 13

-Kossiq-

Staring at the man beside me, I never would’ve guessed. I just…didn’t expect it. Not like it changes how I feel about him anyway.

Martin lies on his back, completely still, except for his eyes, which occasionally flick to the side, before he realises I’m looking at him too, and he stares at the ceiling, his cheeks a little pinker than before. Aw.

Reaching out slowly, I place my hand on top of his, where it rests on his chest. Martin glances over at me, and I smile sadly. “Are you really going to give me over?” I ask, unable to stop myself. And then, Martin’s expression does something I never expected.

He suddenly looks so incredibly sad, like I’m the one who was handing him over to some evil woman. “I- I don’t want to let you go, Kossiq,” he says after a moment, and my heart swells with emotion.

“But?” I ask, steeling myself for the other shoe to inevitably drop. Martin stares at me, before sighing. “Maybe we should just run away together,” he whispers, and I snuggle down next to him, resting my head on his shoulder.

We’re both silent for a moment, before I think back to what Yvo was saying to Martin earlier, and about his reaction to thinking I called him a monster.

“Martin, your mother- she’s this Duchess you’re doing this for, right?” I ask slowly, knowing that this is a minefield of a topic. Martin instantly freezes, before nodding. Biting on my lip, I venture out with my next question.

“Did she call you a monster?”

Martin doesn’t tense this time. Instead, he just sits up, turning away from me. “That’s the first thing I remember her saying to me; that I was her illegitimate child, a monster she birthed, only for me to ruin her life,” he whispers, and my heart breaks for him. Wrapping my arms around his back, I cling to him as his body shakes with silent tears.

“She’s so wrong, you know,” I say once he’s stopped trembling, although Martin still refuses to turn around and look at me. Exhaling shakily, he flinches a little as I reach up and begin combing my fingers through his hair.

“How is she wrong? Kossiq, you have no idea how many lives I’ve taken. Only a monster could do that,” he says so quietly that I have to strain my ears to hear it. I shake my head against his back, then feel one of his hands take my hand which is twined around his stomach.

“You’re wrong - anyone can kill, but monsters don’t regret it. And Martin, there’s no way you don’t regret what you’ve done. If you never had to kill again, would you still do it?”

He answers immediately, firmly. “No.”

I smile, squeezing his hand gently. “Why do you kill then? Who makes you feel like you have to?” Again, he doesn’t hesitate to answer. “Duchess Derevene. She’s the one who’s always told me what to do, who to hurt, who to assassinate.”

Touching his arm gently, I tilt his face to look at me. “You’ve acted as her weapon for far too long. You were her arrow, she was the one to make you fly. Would you call an arrow a monster, because it killed something?”

Martin frowns, shaking his head. “No, the arrow is just…a method. Something being used.” I smile again, touching his cheek fondly as I begin to see realisation dawning on his features.

“You think I’m the arrow?”

I nod, smoothing my thumb across his cheek. “You wouldn’t hurt a fly, if no one was there to make you do it. You can’t possibly be a monster.”

The look of relief that floods his features makes everything I’ve been through feel worth it. It won’t be easy for him to rid himself of such a deeply-rooted belief, but if I’ve been able to help him understand the truth, even just a little bit, then it’s worth it.

Martin’s rough hands cup my cheek, pressing gently on the freckle by the left of my mouth, his touch soft and kind. “How could I ever give you up?” He whispers, before the sound of someone on the stairs alerts us to Yvo’s arrival back.

I expected Martin to be awkward with me after that, to pretend that he hadn’t been showing me the love in his eyes in that moment, but to my surprise, he doesn’t.

Throughout the night, he keeps me cuddled in his arms, his nose buried in my hair whilst I press my face into his neck, unable to control my smile.

Just earlier, I thought it was impossible that he could love me back, but now? Now I think I might have been a little wrong.

—————

-Martin-

Hugging Kossiq to me, I feel my lips twitch up in a little smile.

“You can’t possibly be a monster”

Maybe, he’s right. Maybe, this isn’t who I was always meant to be. Maybe, if I’d been born to someone else, if I’d grown up out of the Duchess’s reach, then I would’ve never hurt anyone.

But, I’m glad things ended up the way they did. Because, I have a chance to be with Kossiq, and I intend to take that chance with everything I have. I don’t know if he could ever have feelings for someone like me, but I know that he at least cares for me somewhat.

I’m never letting the Duchess have him.

Maybe there’s a chance we really could run away, just the two of us, or even with Yvo too, so he could escape the Duchess’s clutches also. Except he can’t, not whilst his mother is reliant on the Duchess for her life.

Kossiq snores gently, nestling his face into my chest and lazily draping an arm over my waist. Stroking his hair gently, I let myself smile unreservedly for a short moment. In this moment, I am truly happy.

How many more moments like these I’ll have, I don’t know. However, that just means I have to make the most out of each one as it comes, and try and live the life I want for myself. A life with Kossiq and Yvo in. A life with friends, and dare I say it, maybe a family of my own making.

To me, family means home. And I feel like I’ve never truly belonged at the place I lived - it was that, a place to rest, and nothing more. It had no emotional connections, other than the desperation from years of trying to get that woman to notice me. Years of having something I wanted just out of reach.

But finally, what I want is within my grasp. I just have to hold onto it.