I stayed at the nurse’s office for the rest of the day since Nurse Gale refused to let me leave before the last bell rang, no matter how persistent I was trying to be. I was eager to go find Beau and ask him why he had helped me. I needed to talk to him. I wanted to be near him again. 

But Mrs. Gale told me to shut up and get some rest.

“Before you go,” she said when the school day was finally over. “I want to talk to you about something.”

I frowned a little. Her voice sounded almost pleasant when she talked.

“Uh, okay?” I muttered and sat up on my bed.

“I know about your situation,” she spoke quietly. “I know you have it rough in this school, and I know that whenever you got those bruises, it was another student who did them.”

I didn’t say a word to her. I didn’t want to make her angry at me by lying to her, but I was too scared to tell her about my bullies.

“I want you to know that I am doing everything I can to help you. I’d appreciate it if you’d tell me who’s hurting you, but I understand if you decide not to,” she continued. “But you have to promise me you will attend your classes and try to get good grades, or it will be difficult for me to fight for you.”

I stared at her for a moment, not understanding what she meant, but it occurred to me that she must be the ‘hippie tree hugger’ Mrs. Quentin was talking about. Mrs. Gale was the reason they hadn’t kicked me out of school yet.

“I… I…” I muttered, trying to fight back my sudden emotions. “I promise,” I whispered with tears in my eyes.

“Good boy,” she said and patted my leg. “I’ll be keeping my eye on you, Theo. I will find out who’s hurting you, and I will have them expelled in no time. Trust me. I have friends on the board, and they are willing to listen to me. I won’t just sit back and watch you getting hurt.”

I appreciated her words so much… But I could already imagine Sean and his friends finding out that it was my fault they got expelled. They wouldn’t be happy about it. They would punish me for it, and the pain would be worse than I’d ever experienced so far.

“That’s not…” I spoke in a tiny voice, “I don’t want that. It’s not necessary…”

“I know you’re scared, but this is unacceptable,” Mrs. Gale said. “They are clearly getting rough on you, and I’m afraid that soon you’ll have a lot more to worry about than just bruises.”

I knew she was right, but I was still scared. Mrs. Gale clearly didn’t know who was hurting me, or she would’ve told someone already. I just had to stay away from Sean and the others, so they couldn’t hurt me. Then she would never find out about them, and they would never get expelled.

“You can go now, and take these,” she said and handed me two different packs of medicine, one for the flu, and one for the pain. “Don’t get yourself killed, and don’t strain yourself, or I will whoop your ass!”

And she was back to being the mean old hag she always was. I nodded and gave her a tiny smile, then got out of the bed, grabbed my bag, and left her office before she could say another word about my bullies.

I remembered Beau when I closed the door, and I hurried to the closest window with a view to the parking lot. It was almost empty already, and I felt disappointed. Beau had a small, white Volkswagen, but I didn’t see it anywhere, so he must’ve left already.

I sighed and started walking to the closest exit. At least there wasn’t anyone around to pick on me. My body was still aching all over, but I was feeling better. Mrs. Gale had forced me to take some medicine when I had woken up. I wondered if she knew I couldn’t afford the pills, and that my dad wouldn’t buy them for me. Maybe she did.

A smile crept up on my lips when I thought about her. It was nice to know that at least someone cared.

There was no one at home when I got there. I sighed in relief when I heard the silence in the house. I was exhausted after walking all the way from school, and I just wanted to get some rest without getting attacked by Allen.

To think there was a time when I didn’t have to be afraid of him… When we were younger, Allen and I’d been as close as two brothers could be. At least I liked to think that we’d been close. But then our mom died. We didn’t get along anymore after that, and he started picking on me. Losing Mom had felt like the end of the world for me, so I knew what Allen was going through. I had stayed at home for weeks, crying my eyes out, but Allen… He took his pain out on me.

After he found out I was gay, everything got a hell of a lot worse for me. Allen stole my stuff, pushed and ordered me around, yelled at me and called me bad names, just like everyone else. After a while, he started hitting me too. I wanted to believe he was trying to hold back when he lashed out on me, but he had broken a few of my bones already.

I had tried to get our dad to help him, but he didn’t care. I had turned to our relatives for help, trying to tell them how much Allen was suffering inside, but no one believed me. They thought I was just being mean to him, and suddenly I was the insane one. I had tried to talk to Allen, but I always seemed to make things worse for myself. So… I gave up. I knew I shouldn’t have, but what else could I do?

I looked around in the dark house, and suddenly, I missed my mom terribly. Our house reeked of beer and cigarettes. The floors were filthy, and every corner, table, and chair were covered in trash, empty beer cans and dirty clothes. I tried to keep our home clean, but sometimes I felt like my family tried their best to keep it messy. If my mom were alive, things would be different.

I climbed upstairs to my small bedroom and closed the door. I locked it before walking to my bed and sitting down on it. I was too tired to do my homework, even though I should’ve used that small pause of peace and quietness to study.

Instead, I picked up a photograph I had on my nightstand. It was the only picture I had of Beau. He was smiling, and he looked so beautiful it almost hurt. I had so many strong feelings for him, but he had only one for me: hate.

He’d been the only light I had in the world, but then he left, leaving me all alone in the darkness. My heart was still aching after losing him, like he had torn it apart and nothing could fix it. I wouldn’t have survived my mom’s death without him, and since he wasn’t there with me anymore, I had no idea what to do.

But did he still care? He could’ve left me in that hallway, but instead, he had taken me to the nurse. I wanted so badly to call him and ask why he had helped me, but I didn’t. I never had the guts to call him.

I lay down on my bed, holding the picture in my hands. I was getting drowsy as I stared at Beau’s smiling face. My feverish body was growing numb, and it took only minutes for me to fall asleep. But I was not left alone for long. Only a few hours later, I woke up to someone banging on my door.

And there was only one person who it could be.

“Answer me, you piece of shit! Dad wants you to go to the store!” Allen yelled at me from the other side. “Open the fucking door!”

I sat up in my bed and trembled every time he hit the door. He was angry, and I didn’t want to face him when he was like that. He was bigger and stronger than me, and whenever he was angry, I usually got hurt.

Sean and his buddies were considerate enough to not break my bones, but Allen didn’t have that much self-control. He had fractured my arm six months ago, and that was before he even knew I was gay.

“Shut up, brat!” I heard my dad yelling at him downstairs.

“He’s not opening his fucking door!” Allen yelled back at him.

“The fuck I care! Go to the store! We need food!” Dad yelled back.

There were no polite conversations in our household. My dad was mean, but he usually didn’t lay his hands on us. He had slapped me when he thought I was misbehaving, but he wasn’t a violent man. He was just mean and self-centered, and he didn’t care about us.

“Open the freaking door, fag!” Allen screamed at me.

I got up from the bed and walked to the door, fearing he would break it if I didn’t. Allen yanked the door open as soon as I opened the lock with my trembling hands.

“You fucking shithead!” Allen shouted and grabbed me by my arm, forcing me out of my room. I lost my balance and fell at his feet. I whimpered in pain, but he only got angrier at me. “Get up, maggot!” he hissed and kicked my leg.

I wanted to cry and stay there on the dirty floor. I was weak. I was tired of my life… I just wanted to give up already… But I bit my teeth together and got up on my wobbly legs.

“Move!” Allen growled at me, leading me toward the stairs.

I hurried downstairs, holding tightly to the railing in case Allen decided to push me down. He had done that a few times already.

“Go to the store before I break your neck,” Allen hissed at me when I stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

He shoved a piece of paper and some money into my hands before pushing me out the door. After he slammed it shut, I turned to look at it, dreaming of the day when I didn’t have to return to that place. I didn’t want to live in constant fear of pain and violence anymore, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

I took a deep, shaky breath, trying to fight back my tears. I bit my lower lip and turned my back on my home and headed toward the nearby store, knowing there was a good chance I’d pass out on my way there.

I felt like the guy version of Cinderella sometimes. It was my job to do chores every day. I did all the shopping, cleaning, cooking, and laundry, and my only thank you was another mean word from my dad or a hit from my brother. I tried to avoid them the best I could, but as long as I was living under the same roof with them, it was nearly impossible.

When I got back from the store, my stomach and sides were burning in pain, and I felt dizzy from hunger. I was getting weaker by the second, and for a moment, I wished I were close to death already.

If I died, I could finally be at peace.

“Hurry up with the food!” Dad yelled in the living room.

I smiled at the groceries. It wasn’t a happy smile. It was the smile of someone who had given up already. With every passing day, I felt like my essence was dying. My body was still alive, but my soul was suffocating. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I didn’t want to live either. Not like this, anyway. I was smiling because I would eventually die with my current lifestyle, without committing suicide, and maybe then I could go to Heaven and see my mom again.

I had held my razor blade to my wrist a couple of times. I’d tried to imagine what it would be like if I used all my force to cut myself. Writing Beau’s name on my arm was different – those were just light scratches which barely even bled. But what if I cut myself for real?

How would it feel to die?

But then again, what if Beau changed his mind? What if I became a ghost and was forced to watch while Beau was crying on my grave, pleading for me to come back? What if he’d tell my grave how sorry he was for hurting me? What if he confessed that he actually loved me, but I was already dead? That thought kept me from doing anything stupid, and I held on to it. It was my only glimmer of hope, and it kept me sane. It kept me alive.

After dinner, I felt a little better. My starving body was happy with the small amount of food I ate. I was full after a few bites. I’d never had much of an appetite, not even when Mom was still alive. I’d always been tiny and skinny for my age, and Mom used to say I’d never grow big and strong if I didn’t eat anything. I guess she was right.

I sneaked up to my room while my dad and Allen ate in the living room. I still had homework to do, and I hoped my family would forget my existence if they didn’t see me. I didn’t want to disappoint Mrs. Gale. I wanted to keep my promise and do my best at school.

Thankfully, I was left alone for the rest of the evening. I did my homework, but I hadn’t paid much attention in classes, so I had no idea how to solve most of the problems. My grades were dropping fast, and I did my best, but I knew it wasn’t enough.

Later, in the middle of the night, I crawled onto my bed. I lay down and looked out the window. I couldn’t see anything else except an old tree at the other side of our unkempt yard. I let my tears run down my cheeks, and there were plenty. I’d been holding back my emotions the entire day, but now I was too exhausted to fight them back.

“I just want a break,” I whispered. “Just one day without the pain. Please…” I sniffed and hugged my pillow.

I cried myself to sleep, like I always did.