When I woke up, it took me a while to understand that I was in the nurse’s office. There was no one else in the room, and my hazy mind didn’t have the strength to understand how or why I was there. I tried to get up, but it hurt too much to move, and I felt really sick as well, so I lay back down.

Soon enough the door opened, and the school nurse, Mrs. Gale, stepped inside.

“You’re awake,” she said pointlessly.

Mrs. Gale was most likely the most hated nurse who had ever stepped inside the school boundaries. She was a mean old hag who had grown to hate kids over the many years of working there. Her gray hair was always in a tight bun, and her glasses were thick and didn’t suit her elegant face at all.

Well, everyone else hated her, and she seemed to hate everyone else in return, but she was nice to me – sort of – and I liked her.

“You better save your crap,” she told me harshly. “I know someone took a few good swings at you, so you better not try to convince me otherwise. Who was it?”

“I uh… It was outside the school,” I muttered. “You don’t need to worry about it…”

“Stop lying to me,” she said, and sat down next to my bed. “You were lucky. Nothing seems to be broken.”

“I was in a fight last night… You don’t need to worry about it…” I tried again, but she snorted at me.

“Fine, don’t tell me, but I am keeping my eye on you. Next time someone drags you here with bruises and cuts, I won’t let it slide. If I have to, I will whoop your ass to find out who did it,” she said with an annoyed tone in her voice.

“I promise to be more careful,” I murmured.

“You better be,” she scoffed.

I couldn’t tell her about Sean, or Deon, for that matter. They’d kill me if they ever found out.

I waited for a moment, but when she wasn’t going to continue, I asked the one question that was burning in my mind.

“How did I get here?” I spoke timidly.

“Mr. Silver brought you here,” she said, crossing her arms over her busty chest.

I stared at her with wide eyes. I was sure I misheard her. I mean…

“Beau?” I whispered.

“Yes. He found your unconscious ass laying in the hallway and brought you to me,” Mrs. Gale said and got up from her chair. “It is a pity you two aren’t friends anymore. He used to keep you out of trouble.”

“Yeah…” I breathed out.

I couldn’t believe her, but why would she lie to me? It was difficult for me to understand why Beau had helped me. He was the one who had shut me out from his life. He was the reason I was in pain all the time. He had never, not even once, helped me. So why now? Why did he suddenly help me? Did he get scared that I might die, and he’d get into trouble for letting it happen?

Or… Did Beau still care… After all? 

*****

Nurse Gale forced me to stay in her office for the rest of the day, no matter how hard I tried to convince her I was fine. Once she finally let me go, I rushed out and tried to look for Beau, but it was too late. Most of the students had left already, and I gave up when I didn’t see his white car in the parking lot.

With a sigh, I started walking home. Mrs. Gale had told me not to strain myself, but there was no other option. Using the bus was out of the question, and Dad would never come pick me up even if I lost a limb, so my only option was to walk all the way home.

There was no one at home when I got there. I sighed in relief when I heard the silence in the house. I was exhausted after walking all the way from school, and I just wanted to get some rest without getting attacked by Allen.

To think there was a time when I didn’t have to be afraid of him… When we were younger, Allen and I had been as close as two brothers could be. At least I liked to think that we’d been close. But then our mom died. We didn’t get along anymore, and he started to pick on me. Losing Mom had felt like the end of the world for me, so I knew what Allen was going through. I had stayed at home for weeks, crying my eyes out, but Allen… He took his pain out on me.

After he found out I was gay, everything got a hell of a lot worse for me. Allen stole my stuff, pushed and ordered me around, yelled at me, called me bad names, just like everyone else. After a while he started hitting me too. I wanted to believe he was trying to hold back when he lashed out on me, but he had broken a few of my bones already.

I had tried to get our dad to help him, but he didn’t care. I had turned to our relatives for help, trying to tell them how much Allen was suffering inside, but no one believed me. They thought I was just being mean to him, and suddenly I was the insane one. I had tried to talk to Allen, but I always seemed to make things worse for myself. So I gave up. I knew I shouldn’t have, but what else I could have done?

I climbed upstairs to my small bedroom and closed the door. I locked it before walking to my bed and sat down on it. I was too tired to do my homework, even though I should’ve used that small pause of peace and quietness to study.

Instead, I picked up a photograph I had on my nightstand. It was the only picture I had of Beau. He was smiling, and he looked so beautiful it almost hurt. I had so many strong feelings for him, but he had only one for me: hate.

He’d been the only light I had in the world, but then he left, leaving me all alone in the darkness. My heart was still aching after losing him, like he had torn it apart, and nothing could fix it. I wouldn’t have survived my mom’s death without him, and since he wasn’t there with me anymore, I had no idea what to do.

But did he still care? He could’ve left me in that hallway, but instead, he had taken me to the nurse. I wanted so badly to call him and ask why he had helped me, but I didn’t. I never had the guts to call him.

I lay down on my bed, holding the picture in my hands. I was getting drowsy as I stared at Beau’s smiling face. My feverish body was growing numb, and it didn’t take me long to fall asleep.

*****

I woke up a few hours later when I heard someone banging on my door. There was only one person who it could be.

“Answer me, you piece of shit! Dad wants you to go to the store!” Allen yelled at me on the other side. “Open the fucking door!”

I sat up on my bed and trembled every time he hit the door. He was angry, and I didn’t want to face him when he was like that. He was bigger and stronger than me, and whenever he was angry, I usually got hurt.

Sean and his buddies were considerate enough to not break my bones, but Allen didn’t have that much self-control. He had fractured my arm six months ago, and that was before he even knew I was gay.

“Shut up, brat!” I heard my dad yelling at him downstairs.

“He’s not opening his fucking door!” Allen yelled back at him.

“The fuck I care! Go to the store! We need food!” Dad yelled back.

There were no polite conversations in our household. My dad was mean, but he usually didn’t lay his fingers on us. He had slapped me when he thought I was misbehaving, but he wasn’t a violent man. He was just mean and self-centered, and he didn’t care about us.

“Open the freaking door, fag!” Allen screamed at me.

I got up from the bed and walked to the door, fearing he would break it if I didn’t. Allen yanked the door open as soon as I opened the lock with my trembling hands.

“You fucking shithead!” Allen shouted at me and grabbed me by my arm, forcing me out of my room. I lost my balance and fell down at his feet. I whimpered in pain, but he only got angrier at me. “Get up, maggot!” he hissed and kicked my leg.

I wanted to cry and stay there on the dirty floor. I was weak. I was tired of my life, and I just wanted to give up already, but I bit my teeth together and got up on my wobbly legs.

“Move!” Allen growled at me, leading me towards the stairs.

I hurried downstairs, holding tightly from the railing on the wall in case Allen decided to push me down. He had done that a few times already.

“Go to the store before I break your neck,” Allen hissed at me when I stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

He shoved a piece of paper and some money in my hands before pushing me out the door. After he slammed it shut, I turned to look at it, dreaming of the day when I didn’t have to return to that place. I didn’t want to live in constant fear of pain and violence anymore, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

I took a deep, shaky breath, trying to fight back my tears. I bit my lower lip and turned my back on my home and headed towards the nearby store, knowing there was a good chance I’d pass out on my way there.

I felt like the guy version of Cinderella sometimes. It was my job to do the chores every day. I did all the shopping, cleaning, cooking and laundry, and my only thank you was another mean word from my dad or a hit from my brother. I tried to avoid them the best I could, but as long as I was living under the same roof with them, it was nearly impossible.

When I got back from the store, my stomach and sides were burning in pain and I felt dizzy from the hunger. I was getting weaker by the second, and for a moment I wished I was close to death already.

If I died, I could finally be at peace.

“Hurry up with the food!” Dad yelled in the living room.

I smiled at the groceries. It wasn’t a happy smile. It was a smile of someone who had given up already. Every passing day I felt like my essence was dying. My body was still alive, but my soul was suffocating. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I didn’t want to live either. Not like this, anyway. I was smiling because I would eventually die with my current lifestyle, without committing suicide, and maybe then I could go to Heaven and see my mom again.

I had held my razor blade on my wrist a couple of times. I’d tried to imagine what it would be like if I used all my force to cut myself. Writing Beau’s name on my arm was different – those were just light scratches which barely even bled. But what if I cut myself for real?

How would it feel like to die?

But then again, what if Beau changed his mind? What if I became a ghost and was forced to watch while Beau was crying on my grave, pleading for me to come back? What if he’d tell my grave how sorry he was for hurting me? What if he confessed that he actually loved me, but I was already dead? That thought kept me from doing anything stupid, and I held on to it. It was my only glimmer of hope, and it kept me sane. It kept me alive.

After dinner, I felt a little better. My starving body was happy with the small amount of food I ate. I was full after a few bites. I’d never had much of an appetite, not even when Mom was still alive. I’d always been tiny and skinny for my age, and Mom used to say I’d never grow big and strong if I didn’t eat anything. I guess she was right.

I sneaked up to my room while my dad and Allen ate in the living room. I still had homework to do, and I hoped my family would forget my existence if they didn’t see me. I didn’t want to disappoint Mrs. Gale. I wanted to keep my promise and do my best at school.

Thankfully, I was left alone for the rest of the evening. I did my homework, but I hadn’t paid much attention in the classes, so half of the time, I had no idea how to solve the problems. My grades were dropping fast, and I did my best, but I knew it wasn’t enough.

Later, when it was the middle of the night, I crawled on my bed. I lay down and looked out from the window. I couldn’t see anything else except an old tree at the other side of our unkempt yard. I let my tears run down on my cheeks, and there were plenty. I’d been holding back my emotions the entire day, but now I was too exhausted to fight them back.

“I just want a break,” I whispered. “Just one day without the pain. Please…” I sniffed and hugged my pillow.

I cried myself to sleep, like I always did.