Chapter 7

Figure it out

-Xabien-

I was surprised at first, with how much Rat was opening up to me. It’s like he was genuinely trying to let me know him, which always sends a stab of guilt through my heart. Because I’m not doing the same thing.

The whole point of this was to get to know each other, but I’ve been so busy with pack duties, especially since the annual feast with Ceyden’s pack is nearing. It means that I’ve had less and less time to be around Rat, and I’m seriously starting to have Rat withdrawal symptoms.

Sighing, I rub my temples as Myles sticks his head in my door, waving awkwardly. “What is it?” I ask with another sigh, feeling incredibly burnt out. Myles smiles happily, stepping out of the doorway to reveal none other than Horatio, my little rat.

Don’t let yourself think like that, it’ll be harder to let him go if he decides he wants that, I remind myself to no avail as Myles disappears round the door, closing it behind himself.

Rat walks forward awkwardly, swinging his hands in front of him to make a small clap as he surveys the office, before placing his hands down on my desk, directly in front of me.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” I ask, trying not to let my sheer joy at seeing him here show too much. Rat only smirks, pressing his lips to mine gently before pulling back and recomposing himself.

“Well, the healer removed the last stitches, and I went for a run with mum and Harli, and then decided I should come check out where the magic happens,” he says, peering down at my papers.

I snort at his wording, resting my cheek on my palm. “Ooh do tell me, what magic happens in my humble abode?” I ask, leaning forwards on my elbows. Rat seems to think for a moment, before a massive smirk spreads across his features, and he whispers in my ear “well, I think I’d look pretty magical on your desk, naked.”

I choke on my own breath and Rat pulls away, cackling with laughter. “Oh my God I’m just teasing you, you should see the look on your face!” He gesticulates to the entirety of me, and I try my damned hardest to remove from my mind the images he so kindly placed there.

Continuing to glare at him, I try to keep my expression serious, but it’s difficult when he keeps smiling so brightly like that. The sun filters in through the windows behind me, making the silver flecks in his blue eyes dance with laughter whilst he continues to chuckle as he moves about my study, picking up books and placing them back down on the shelves.

“You’re welcome to read any you’d like,” I say after a moment, watching him squint at the covers. Rat only sighs, his happy expression gone. “I can barely read a thing; write even less. My da- I was being taught, as a kid, but then…things got hectic again, and we never had more time to learn,” he muses, placing the book back on the shelf and taking a seat in the armchair opposite my desk.

I swallow thickly, a million things Rat and Harli must have missed out on spinning through my mind. Standing up, I move in front of my desk and take his hand gently. Rat shoots me a half smile as I squeeze his hand.

“How about, you tell me some of the things you didn’t get to do when growing up, that you’d like to do, and we make our way through the list together?”

Rat’s eyes shoot to mine, his expression cold as he searches my eyes for the lie, the trick, the caveat. Placing his hand against my heart, I stroke his cheek fondly. “I’m not joking, I’m being serious. If I was lying, my heartbeat would tell you,” I say gently.

Rat snorts, pressing his hand into my chest. “Your heartbeat is going a million miles an hour though, what’s that about?” He asks, but he already knows, based on his warm smile and slightly mischievous eyes.

Going along with him anyway, I lace my fingers through his. “Hm, I’m not sure…what do you think is making me all excited?” Rat stares at me, before bursting out laughing again, punching me on the arm with more strength than I realised he had, as I rub the spot tenderly.

I forgot for a moment that he’s been fighting an alpha since he was a literal child.

“Wow, Xabi, didn’t realise you took the whole desk thing so seriously,” he purrs, and I roll my eyes at him, already feeling a flush of warmth through my body from the embarrassment and the nickname he’s adopted recently.

“That’s not the kind of excited I mean and you know it,” I huff, and he really does know it, he just also likes to take the piss all the time. Not that I actually mind, I think it’s endearing, and I’m always happily surprised when he laughs around me.

I had it fixed in my mind that he was going to be this pitiful, sad and vulnerable thing, but he’s so much more. And I really wouldn’t have it any other way.

—————

-Horatio-

After deciding I’ve distracted Xabien from his work for long enough, I give him a tight and short hug before leaving, my heart pounding more than I’d like to admit. I hate how quickly my soul accepted him; how easy it is to talk to him, to open up to him.

I hate how excited I was to finally be able to see him again, I hate how happy it makes me to see him, how warm and cosy I feel in his presence. I hate how he wears his feelings for me on his sleeve, how he still pretends we’re both ‘getting to know each other’ when really it’s just him being considerate of my reservations about him being an alpha.

And then, I ask myself- would I mate with him, if he wasn’t an alpha? And to my annoyance and…sadness, I think that yes, I would. I’m annoyed, because I wanted to take my hatred for alphas with me forever, so that my anger towards Karn never subsides.

I’m sad, because if this is the case, I could just mate with him and be done with it. How happy could he make me, if I was his actual mate? How happy would my family be that I’d found the one, that it was such a good person like Xabien?

Well, I think I already know the answer.

Very happy.

I slump against a wall, crouching down and covering my face with my arms. Am I just playing with his emotions? He doesn’t deserve that, I need to make a decision. I need to tell him the truth, the whole truth. I need to have a good, serious talk with him.