Today, Ruben determines, I'm going to tell Thomas I really like him. Thinking it out loud – is there even such a thing? – fills him with nervousness and anticipation and a little bit of pride because he's finally decided to man up. And maybe, just maybe, he also feels a sliver of wistfulness because there's something weirdly warm about cherishing those (hopefully not too obvious) stares and smiles and hours lying in bed, still awake, and secretly mouthing Thomas's name while doing homework when he was actually just twiddling his pen and thinking all kinds of things that were definitely not related to maths or English or whatever subject he had spread out over his desk.

However, it's not that simple to truly carry out his resolution, since it's kind of a secret that he likes Thomas. Nobody asked, so he didn't tell – way too embarrassing.

Moreover, nobody even knows he likes boys, even though that wouldn't be an issue. After all, it's 2019, his cousin Emma brought her girlfriend to his family's New Year's party and everybody was really nice to them, gay marriage was legalised in his country before he was even born, he can name at least five gay celebrities, he once saw a book in the store about a boy with two mums and last year, they even had to read one about a gay boy for school.

Besides, he's pretty sure he's always known he'd rather kiss boys than girls, even when kissing still seemed gross and weird. He's just never felt the urge to tell anybody when it didn't matter all that much.

Luckily, he and Thomas are in the same class, so after last period, he has a chance to approach him without everyone listening in – probably unintentionally, but listening in nevertheless – because his classmates are usually in a hurry to leave after every bell and he just happens to know Thomas is a bit slower. Last period, because if Thomas rejects him, then he doesn't have to see him all day anymore, nor pretend to smile when he'd prefer to wallow in his misery, cuddling with his puppy, Brownie, who would slobber all over his face and thus make him feel a tiny bit better.

***

The day drags on. Thomas seems to pull Ruben's eyes to him even more than usual, his mind on a one-way track and his concentration at an all-time low.

Already when he has just arrived on the schoolyard, he seeks out Thomas, talking and laughing with his best friend, as if his mind is the earth, trapped in an eternal orbit around the sun. During classes, he catches himself from time to time, realising he's about to scribble down Thomas's name or what he'd like to say to him, instead of notes. And in the ones where Thomas sits somewhere behind him, he feels the ghost of his gaze skimming his back or neck – which he probably imagines, but that knowledge doesn't suppress the involuntary shiver each time.

Finally, the last bell rings, and as predicted, everyone trips over their feet to get outside. When everyone is out of the classroom, including Thomas and Ruben – they're the last ones – he quickly walks up to Thomas, because he was a bit too slow in his purposeful stalling, so he wasn't ready when Thomas was.

"Thomas." There's too much spit in his mouth, so the name doesn't come out clear and firm as he intended, but rather pathetic, and it lies heavily on his tongue. He looks down, his face already heating up, and puts his hands into his pockets, to give himself at least some semblance of confidence.

"Oh. Ruben." Thomas sounds surprised.

Ruben looks up, but his gaze focuses on a point behind Thomas. "Hey. Uhm ..." His eyes flit from the wall to his face and back. "I was wondering if ... Uhm, well ..." He glances at Thomas's eyes, but he's just patiently waiting for him to finish his sentence, instead of being a stuttering, incoherent mess – well, not literally stuttering, but ... "I wanted to tell you ... uhm ... I really like you and I was wondering ... uhm ... if you would perhaps consider going on a date with me some time?"

He looks back at Thomas's face, but now he's the one to avoid his gaze. "Oh. Uhm ... Yes, I think?" His cheeks are red and he shuffles. "I mean ... I like you too. I'd like to ... I'd like a date with you."

"Uhm ... Thank you. I mean – that's probably not the right word to use in this situation, is it?" He manages a small laugh and Thomas chuckles. Some of the tension between them dissipates. He takes a breath to gather himself since the sheer relief of Thomas's positive answer – and the adrenaline leaving his body – has his thoughts all jumbled up. "So ... when are you free? I mean –"

Thomas chuckles. "No worries. I know what you mean. Uhm, what about next Friday after school? We can go drink something in The Black Horse. I mean, if you're up for that, of course."

"Okay. Sounds good to me. Do you have my number?" Ruben's hand touches the strap of his bag so he can quickly grab a pen if Thomas doesn't.

"I think so. Didn't you put it in the group chat last year?"

Ruben's cheeks heat up. Silly me, why didn't I think of that, but better this than making wrong assumptions – he doesn't think he would be able to gather the courage to ask Thomas's number another time if he didn't do it now. "Oh, yeah, I did. I'll message you then?"

"Okay." Their gazes lock and they smile awkwardly when they realise they still have to walk to the bicycle storage together.

A silence engulfs them and Ruben turns his thoughts upside down to find something – anything really, as long as it doesn't make him seem a complete idiot – to break it, but he's unable to come up with a joke or a remark or a question and he's not at that stage yet where he just trusts that Thomas doesn't think he's socially inept or dumb or boring or annoying for not knowing what to say or even preferring not to talk – The horror, he thinks with some self-deprecation and bitterness towards a few of his extremely extraverted classmates in primary school who made their opinion on quiet people known to all and sundry – that stage where silence feels comfortable, hardly noticeable.

Eventually, they enter the bicycle storage. Ruben hesitates but settles on: "Bye. Have a nice weekend."

"You too. See you on Monday." They linger long enough to make it awkward before both turning around. Ruben doesn't look back, even though he wants to, because he's quite sure that's considered clingy and he doesn't want to know if Thomas is also looking back or not.