It had been 5 days since the dreaded encounter and I still hadn’t made contact. When he handed me that sticky note, I just froze and watched him walk away. Sighing, I glanced up at the night sky. I had come outside when Stacie called me out of the blue. My dumbass had been dodgy since the incident and she knew I was off. After hearing her 10 minute ramble on why I shouldn’t bottle up my emotions she let me explain the downlow. I desperately needed her advice so it was good timing. I had explained the whole story starting with Leo.

“So you’re telling me this guy was straight waterworks the whole time?”

I mumbled a yes and she continued. 

“If your question is in regard to his sincerity, then I believe he is genuine.” 

I was surprised by Stacie’s take on this. I thought for sure she’d tell me to tell Dylan to fuck off.

“How can you be sure he wants to rekindle in good faith?” I muttered. 

“I guess we don’t really know— but how he reacted when he saw you and how genuine he reacted has me thinking that he really wants to start over.” She paused and from the other line it sounded like she was opening and closing a door. “I won’t take his side because you’re my best friend, however, cutting him off probably did a lot of hurt for him also. I had considered that when you told me in college but I left it alone because you were happy with Stephen. But he’s long gone and now there’s nothing stopping you now.” 

The last part confused me a bit. Was she implying I could try a romantic relationship with Dylan? That’s definitely not going to happen. I was shaking my head in slight annoyance, “Stace, I love you but please don’t even consider that. I haven’t had romantic feelings for him in a long time and even if he isn’t homophobic, that doesn’t mean he’s gay, bi, or pan. It just means he wants my friendship again. But I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” I swallowed the saliva that built up in my throat and mouth as I rambled. 

“Okay okay well, romance aside—he did seem genuine, yes?” She questioned. “I don’t think he has anything to lose but he has a lot to gain if you choose to be friends once more.”

She was right. I knew he wasn’t secretly plotting some revenge narrative. I saw the way he looked at me. His eyes were full of tears as if I’m the one that ripped out his heart. I suppose I did and I always knew that—I was just as vindictive as he was, except I did it on purpose. I wanted him to hurt. It’s stupid and sick but in my moment of equal hurt, I did whatever I wanted.

I sighed deeply into the phone, creating a static noise. 

“I guess I’m not ready to forgive or move on from it. I’m afraid to let him back into my life.” I confessed feeling deflected.

I heard a low and quiet hum over the mic before finally hearing Stacie speak. “I’m sure he’s the same as you in that regard. This seems like a golden opportunity for you both to grieve and heal together.” She spoke so softly. 

Did I want that? I hadn’t considered it. I never thought I needed ‘healing’ or that I was grieving. But maybe I always was trying to but couldn’t because I never made the leap to reconnect the broken phone of friendship. At first it was definitely to get over my first love, but then I just never had the guts to reach back out once I had found some new level of revelation. 

I now had that choice, but could I do it?  

“You’re right, Stace. This might be my only chance to really move on. We both hurt each other and it’s only right that I make my decision on this.” I admitted while slightly pulling my hair in anxiety. 

I could hear it in her voice that she was smiling.“I hope you don’t regret it.” 

I felt a burst of confidence. “I feel a lot of courage right now Stacie, so if I don’t hang up right now and call him I’m going to chicken out.” I let go of my locks and started to bite my nails. I had broken the habit years ago but right now I am uneasy.

“Oh my No, call me back later okay?” She hung up before I could even reply.

I pulled up my contacts, clicked his name, and pressed the call button. 

Yes, I had put his number in my phone the night of, but that’s because my dumbass would have lost the paper.

It rang only once before the familiar voice answered it. 

“Hello?” He clearly had no idea it was me. I could tell by the amount of confusion measured in his voice.

“Hey Dyl,” old nicknames die hard. I nervously spoke, “it’s me.” 

There was just silence for what felt like a century. 

“You there Dylan?” I pulled my phone away from my face and looked to see if we were still connected. We were 

“I—“ He began to speak shakily. “I-I’m just really surprised. I wasn’t expecting you to contact me.” His voice was hoarse like he had just run a marathon. 

I couldn’t lie. “Me too.” I inhaled and exhaled the summer air. “But I thought it would be good for us to do this. We—I mean I, me, only me, had left this friendship.” It was hard to talk straight. I ended up digging my palms into my forehead, hunched over on our patio table. 

“It’s okay Noah. I understand why you did it—even if it deeply hurt me I understand.” The way Dylan spoke was so hollow and sad. It was like feeling the sharp raindrops hitting your bare skin. 

“Let’s hang out and discuss some of this, okay?” I blurted out to try and conceal my own discomfort from his apparent sadness. 

There was another small stretch of quietness.

“Um, are you sure you really want that Noah?” His question pierced the blanket of silence like a sword. 

I was taken aback because I had thought that this is what he wanted. And I suppose it is what I also wanted. Despite it all—the memories, the words, and the pain, I missed Dylan considerably. I loved Stacie and her wife—but we never had the same connection Dylan and I had. Not even with Stephen did I feel that.

I cleared my throat trying to erase the new form lump in there. To no avail of course. “Dylan.” I could imagine his wincing face just days before. “I missed you too ya know.” I hadn’t said it before when he quietly cried in front of me. “I do want to fix us—“ I trailed off, fixating my eyes on the beautiful night sky. 

“Are you also looking at the sky Noah?” He spoke gently.

I laughed a bit at the question. It jogged a memory. I couldn’t help but to smile at it. When we were kids we wanted to go camping so badly, but our parents weren’t very outdoorsy. As a compromise they set up a tent in our backyard every weekend and we did what you would do while camping—we made s’mores and pretended that we hiked a whole trail. In reality we ran around the backyard for hours before we retired to the cool summer grass.

We both were fascinated with space and the stars. We loved making up our own constellations. I remember this one time we had a meteor shower—we made so many dumb wishes. 

I can’t believe I forgot about this.

The sky had always connected us as kids. Those were the nights that I knew I wanted to always be by Dylan’s side. I had wanted to keep his laughter in my range. I wanted to see his smile when I made a childish collection of stars. I had made a wish out loud to him that I wanted us to be together forever. It wasn’t romantic then—I just wanted to always be best friends. 

I felt hot tears stream down my cheeks. Shit why am I crying?

“Yeah Dyl, I’m looking at Mr. Muffins right now.” That was the name of my childhood cat before he died when I was in high school. Rest In Peace my favorite bastard cat. 

I finally heard a sweet and precious sound, it was his laugh. I hadn’t heard it in years and when I did for the first time since then, I felt my knees get weak. I missed it. 

“Want to meet tomorrow morning at The Brew?” 

I nodded in response before realizing he wasn’t here. “I’d like that.” I began to wipe the tears away from my face with my shirt sleeve. I smiled while continuing to gaze at the diamonds twinkling in the ebony background. 

“You called pretty late y’a know.” His sweet chuckle was shared once more. 

I hadn’t even realized it was almost midnight. 

“Oh my god I’m sorry. I didn’t even think before I hit the call button.” 

“It’s alright Noah. I don’t mind.” He hummed. 

Talking so calmly with him after almost a decade felt surreal. I didn’t even realize how much I craved this until now. I didn’t want to hang up but I could feel the conversation ending. He was never this tranquil in our youth. 

At that moment, I realized I didn’t know this Dylan anymore, but I wanted to. My brain was irrational right now. It had become blindsided to the prior homophobia and only wanted a new beginning. The past still hurt but the present felt refreshing. 

“What time?” Is all I could manage. I wanted to hear his voice again. 

“Oh um—“ he paused, “what time works for you best? It’s the middle of the week but I’m off tomorrow.” 

So Leo was right when he said they worked. 

“I usually go for a morning jog, so probably around when they open?” I knew they opened normally at around 7am. Stef had let me in early before. 

“You really do work out now, huh?” I could hear in his voice that he smiled as he joked. “7am works for me Noah.” 

“What can I say? I’m a gym nut now.” I giggled at my own phrasing. “I’ll see you then.” I knew that last bit would mean the end of the phone conversation but if I was going to be getting up in 6 hours, I’d need to sleep. 

“Noah.” He hushly spoke.

“Yeah Dylan?” I raised a brow in question. 

“Thank you for calling me.” 

I could feel my lips tug into a small smile. “No problem Dylan, have a good night.” I mimicked his softness. 

“Goodnight Noah.” 

I kept the phone to my face long after he hung up. I felt weird. It felt almost liberating to finally speak with him. I don’t count the time at the party as a real conversation. I only really anxiously yelled. I was having a mini panic attack and lashed out like a wounded dog. I felt terrible about it after he tearfully apologized. 

I sensed he held back a lot of details. As he should—he owed me nothing. We were strangers now that happened to share memories of the past. Even so, my heart was heavy when all was said. But right now after that short and minimal conversation, I finally felt ready to move the past behind me. Stacie was right, this was the right move to really heal.

We had more to discuss—and hopefully it would be with gentle words and civil banter. I wanted to understand him and I wanted him to understand me. 

I took one last look at the night sky before heading back inside.