I bang my head once more against the brickwork. The plaster has long since crumbled away. I know they can hear me. They are sitting just on the other side. They can always hear me, and I can always hear them. If I keep this up, they will one day show their faces, get so tired of me that their own resolve will crumble. Alas, every attempt I have ever made to annoy them has been drowned by their own noise. I have often been left screaming and crying for them to shut up, but they rarely give me mercy. I suppose they broke me long ago.
The wall spits a few specks of dust and grit, as if daring for another strike. I oblige. My fingers are twitching now, they’ve just given me another order. I won’t do it this time; I’ll just focus on the wall. They’ll have to come and force me if they want compliance. Just the wall. Focus on the wall. They can’t touch me with the wall in their way. Just the wall. I’m safe. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I am my own person. Although… it is a simple task, it wouldn’t take too long at all. Hardly the effort to bother resisting. I can just stop for a moment and do the job.
The wall shakes with the resounding thud I have given it. I told myself I wouldn’t listen, but I have failed again. I try, and try, but in the end, I always fail. My head is throbbing but it’s a nice distraction. Thank you wall, you’re such a good friend. Yet here I am hurting you. I’m sorry friend. My good protective friend.
My scalp feels damp. Another stain has joined the brickwork. I don’t really care. At least I try and tell myself this. It’s a disheartening tally of every time I’ve tried to ignore them. Every time I have tried to display my valiant defiance. They must have heard my thoughts, another order. I won’t. I refuse. I’ll break my skull against this beautiful wall before I do it. My bodies moving on its own though. It’s given up. No, I can’t let this happen. I won’t fail again. I’ll just… I’ll just… do this last thing for them, maybe they’ll leave me alone for a bit.
I’ll tear down this damn wall and rip them to shreds! They won’t best me anymore, they won’t, they can’t. They... will… not! More orders. More than one. It’s worse when this happens. It’s their favourite. An avalanche of chores pouring onto me at once. I must complete them all simultaneously. If I fail, just like the single tasks, I must start from the beginning, I lose track of time when this happens, every twitch, every jumbled part, every errant breath. It must be perfect. They demand it. Compromise rarely works, but its ecstasy when they grant me a pardon. Often though, there is no such luck. When I have nearly gotten the hang of the set, they throw another piece my way.
I’m on the floor now, the last bang against the wall sent me to the ground. My vision is blurry from the tears. A tidal wave of orders is sent to me. I twitch and shake and writhe around just trying to ignore the barrage, but pieces are breaking through, and I can only hold back so much. I turn onto my stomach and crawl to the safety of the wall. Its embrace will shield me from them. But it’s not safe. It never has been safe. It has never protected me. It has a door that always left ajar and they can poke their foul heads through at any moment. It’s funny. I always know this. I look at that door every day but try and ignore it. The portal to another world that I could perhaps leave at any time. Its better though if the door doesn’t exist. Leave me in here. Any new experience out there will be tainted by them. It’s funny. I also know that they are not on the other side of the wall. It just helps to think that. A dam of some sort. They have been on my side so long that it helps to think otherwise.
Another order. I clamber to my feet and bang my head once more against the brickwork.
Comments (3)
See all