He sits on his bed and stares at me. Finally makes eye-contact, but it’s wrecked, and his eyes look sunken-in, and his posture is broken, and he sort of looks like a parent about to tell his kid that things just didn’t work out in the marriage. He looks pathetic.
“Liam, I think I kinda have feelings for you.”
Wow. Okay. Did not see that coming. I mean, obviously, but also, what the fuck?
Pretty sure my heart also just catapulted from my chest, then ping-ponged up through my brain, back around down to my toes, through my arms, out my ass, then back up it. Also, this sweatshirt that felt protective a moment ago now feels really, really restrictive. Like, I can’t breathe.
I start to try to reply, but my voice gets caught behind the swishing of my sweatshirt and the absolute panic wracking my body as my palms start to sweat, and he ends up taking my silence as something else, despite the fact that I am very clearly having issues over here.
“I can totally understand if you don’t feel the same way. I really don’t like, get it? In general, I mean. Like, I don’t know how to like a guy, so I don’t know if this is the correct way to do it, but Sofia said, like, ‘just grow the fuck up and tell him, you’re both adults,’ so this is what I’ve got. Um, but it would be cool if you felt the same way I guess. And it’s not like I would ever see you as anything less. I’m just kinda hoping, like… you know, we can kinda try this out? And I mean, no pressure, I just definitely sort of went all in on this. Like, broke up with Sofia all-in. She’s the best. She really, really helped me out with all of this, you know? She just sort of sat down with me when I told her how I was feeling and was like ‘you’re gay.’ And I was like, ‘well, no, ‘cause I can still get it up with you, and I definitely like pussy, I just don’t like you as much as I like the idea of our old relationship, and I get boners every time I look at Liam for too long and I can’t get the fantasy of running into Liam in the shower and watching his towel drop out of my head and also I rub his head when he’s sleeping at night which I promise is way cuter than it sounds, so I think I’m probably bi, but I’m not really sure because I have absolutely no LGBT-plus friends, every single person I talk to other than Liam on a regular basis is a straight guy.’ And she was like ‘well then yeah, you’re probably bi.’” He huffs a little bit, and now he stands up, looming over me like a giant. Dark splotches of wetness are starting to color his shirt and I can’t tell if they’re from sweat or from the fact that it’s still wet. The sun has sort of gone away outside, and my chest is burning with feelings. “And basically we just sat and talked about every gay thing I’ve ever done, and the list just seemed to get bigger and bigger, by the end I was like, ‘Yeah, I’m definitely not straight.’ Which I’m still not totally sure what to do with. I think my parents will be okay with me dating a guy--that is, if you still want that--but I don’t know about the guys on my team. I think so, but it’s still scary. But look who I’m talking to! Obviously you know. You’ve been out for years. You’ve already felt this fear. I just… It’s hard? I never thought I’d ever like anyone that wasn’t a girl. And now you’re here, and I just thought we were like, really close buds. Like I was like your older brother or something, you know? Like you looked up to me and we were close and I’d tuck you in and carry you or whatever because we were just that intimately close! Which I guess is kind of true, but when you told me you liked me, it was like… Ugh, fuck, that makes it weird, and then… Then it wasn’t weird.”
He sits back down, panting just a little bit. His face is red and wet, and he pulls his sweatshirt off. I make an effort to not watch the way his abs peek out when he does.
“What, uh, what started all of this? Where did this come from?”
“Lee, no offense, but I feel like that’s a dumb question. It started when you told me you had feelings for me, and it went down this, like, weird sleigh-ride into gayness. I thought, ‘I don’t mind that Liam likes me, he’s still a really good friend and he makes me happy to be around,’ then I was like, ‘hmm, wait, it’s kinda cool that Lee likes me.’ But then, ‘you know, I really like the idea of Lee having feelings for me, and that’s kinda weird.’ And I just could not get it off of my mind. It was just so weird to me. Because how can I be straight and be glad that a guy likes me? And then that got into the head territory of, ‘what if I like Liam back?’ And then I was in class and kinda put my head down because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I was just so lost in thought about you and being around you and being with you that I just had to take a break so I put my head down and then it just hit me: ‘fuck, I like Liam back.’”
“That’s not what I meant, dipshit, I mean like, what started you feeling like this for me?” I pause, then add, “What do you think?”
“I’m not… sure. Just, you, I guess. Never really been around someone so out and proud and cute and stuff. Never really had the chance to consider the possibility of being with a guy. I was always with someone. Then I met you, and… I’m really, really into you. I care about you a whole lot. But it’s like stronger than anything I think I’ve ever felt for anyone else. And I know it was horrible, but that’s why I couldn’t be around you for a week. I needed to talk to Sofia and collect my thoughts and figure all of this out. I needed to know how I felt before I asked you to be with me.”
I nod. This is a lot. Our room feels really, really small now. Despite the fact that he’s across from me on his bed, I feel like I can feel his breath on my neck. On one hand, the straight guy that I’ve had a crush on for the last six and a half months likes me back. I was his gay awakening. And he’s blushing like a dork and can’t seem to look at me while he’s talking, maybe out of fear of explosion. Which is great. I should be really excited. Except… while I’m glad he took his time figuring this out, he didn’t have to avoid me for a week to get it done. He could have just told me he needed some time to think. But he ghosted me.
“Lee? You in there?”
I look up from my socks and find him making the most pathetic, anxious smile I’ve ever seen. The kind where the lips can’t make the right shape but the teeth are still out and doing their best. His hands are wringing one another in his lap and the way our lamp illuminates the side of his face, he looks like he’s literally on fire. I clear my throat.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you act this uncool ever.”
“Fuck you, I’m having a meltdown. Uh, a good one, but still a meltdown. Never thought I could wonder about another guy’s dick, you know? I mean, not that I wonder about your dick, but… Fuck it, cards on the table: I’ve seen little glimpses of your dick here and there and sometimes I would accidentally stare and want to see the rest. I kinda… wanna taste it? That’s not weird, is it?”
He runs his hand through his hair, and it’s starting to lose some of its volume as he brushes out the knots.
I pull my knees up to my chest, partially so I can peek at him from behind them and be cute, partially so I can hide the boner that decided to introduce itself when he said he wanted to taste it.
“I know. You’re not good at being sly. I noticed every time you looked.”
That was a fucking lie. But it was worth it, because he blushes so hard that I can’t help but break out a smile to give back. Noticing that, he breaks eye contact and looks at his bed. He starts picking at the covers.
“Really? I mean, I tried to--”
“If I didn’t like it, I would have said something.”
He looks back up and smiles, this time with the lips matching the teeth.
“So you do like me. That’s… reassuring. ‘Cause I’m kind of having a crisis over you, and it would be really hard to do it without my best friend there.”
“I thought Mikey was your best friend.”
“I mean, yeah, but… Since we’ve met, we’ve been closer. I didn’t get it. I just thought I’d never met someone like you. Now I realize that that’s true, but it means more than you just being a cool kind of friend. You’re like, enamoring. Alluring. I don’t even know the words. Something about how free and wild and happy and confident you are is so attractive, and the way you just go for things… I know what I like, but you know what makes you happy. And being around that is just some kind of high that I’ve never felt before.” He pauses and looks away again, this time rubbing his neck. His lips are folded over one another. “Damn, wow that was the sappiest thing I’ve ever said in my life. But I meant it, so… Yeah.”
Fuck. I’m blushing too, now. I never blush. This asshole and his dumb sincerity and his fumbling cuteness and his nice pecs.
“How do you feel about all of this? I’ve been talking a lot,” he says.
“Yeah, you have. It’s okay. I like it. You have a good voice.”
“That right there is what I mean. You… Who says shit like that? Other than you, I mean. That’s so… thoughtful in such a small way, and it drives me nuts and makes me feel so seen. In a good way. It makes me feel like you could care about me. But every part of me, I mean. You could care about me in a way that no one else ever has or will ever want to, and that’s kind of terrifying, because every relationship I’ve ever been in I’ve been some kind of guarded, had something to keep to myself. But you’re my roommate. You get me when I’m sweaty, half-naked, crying at night to myself, crabby from doing homework, homesick, drunk, hungover, high, happy, sad, and everything in between. I mean, I could keep that from you or save it for when you’re gone, but I don’t want to. You want to see it all. You’re there for me for all of it! And I’m there for you, too. I’m the one who carries you home when you’re too drunk to walk and tucks you in and gets you your waters and rubs your back when you’re crying, and it just makes sense to me. I do it without thinking. And I thought it was because I saw you as family. But it’s really because I kind of want to do that to you all of the time. And… I kind of want to tuck you in and take care of you and then cuddle you to make sure that you sleep through the night.”
He stands up again and blows out a big stream of air. I feel like I’m going to be sick, actually. I stand up, too, though I’m not totally sure why.
He leans back and something crackles in his spine, then he leans forward, touching his toes and showing off his ass beneath the tight shorts he’s wearing. For once, I don’t feel that guilty for looking. He notices and stands back up with a smirk, then does this thing where he twists back and forth really fast with his arms pulled in. His back cracks again.
Then he turns to me, takes a step and closes the distance between us and takes my hands. His face is getting close, and I should be excited for this, I should want this, I should be leaning back, too, but instead I find myself sweating harder than I want and feeling like a cornered animal. The thought occurs to me that I should knee him in the balls and run off. Who thinks like that when their crush is looming closer?
“Can we… I mean, would you mind if I, uh… kissed you? I want to try it. That’s dumb. I mean, I’ve wondered what it would be like for a while, and I just really, really want to try. Kissing a guy. Kissing you. You’re that guy. Fuck, I don’t know how to use words. You make me nervous.”
I can tell, too. Damn. His hands are all sweaty and gross.
And he leans in closer and closes his eyes, and… I put my palm up to his lips, drop his hands and move away.
He opens his eyes and looks around the room for me until he finds me sitting on his bed in panic.
“Oh, God, did I do something wrong? Lee, I’m sorry, if you aren’t ready or something, I just thought that since you said you liked me first that it’d be okay, but I--”
“It’s not… Your fault. I’m not mad at you, Noey. In fact, I’m really excited about this. You’re really hot, and you’re really sweet and thoughtful, and the thought of kissing you makes me drool…”
“But…”
“But I… I’m nervous.”
“That’s okay, I get that. I am too! Obviously. I’ve never kissed another guy before. I mean, I guess I didn’t think you’d be very nervous, but--”
“No! No, I’m not nervous about that. I’m nervous about you. I don’t date “straight’ guys. Closet cases are my thing to fuck a couple of times and then move along. They always end up hurting me in the end. Always. Because they’re never ready. I fantasize about them, but never date them. And you’re a straight guy. And yeah, you’re kind of different because the two of us have been around each other for so long, but… You ghosted me. For a week. Because you weren’t sure about your feelings. You didn’t say anything to me. I-I mean, I get being confused about your feelings and stuff, but you just dropped me. Who says you won’t do that again in three months when you realize that you really don’t like dick? Who says you won’t get afraid of how you feel about me because your parents aren’t cool with it and you’ll go back to the closet? I’ll be here and be your best friend and be supportive, but I’m not sure I’m ready to be your boyfriend yet, Noey. I need to know this is a real thing. I need to know you really care about me, not that I’m just the queer guy you’re closest to. I get that it’s hard, but… I think we should be honest with one another. Say what we mean. And not run away when we’re confused about our emotions, you know?”
He looks like I’ve kicked his puppy. God dammit, how can he look so fucking cute when he’s sad? I want to tackle him onto that bed and pepper his face with kisses and cuddle him and tell him I don’t mean it. But I do. This is important to me.
“Okay. I understand. I’ll prove to you that I’m boyfriend material.”
“That is not what I meant. I just meant I need some t--”
“No, but I get it. I know what you mean, Lee. And don’t worry. I’ll prove myself to you.” He reaches his arms around and steps closer to me. His smile is still a little flat, but there’s enough sparkle back in it that I can’t help but roll my eyes and get close enough for him to squish me. I look up at him, and I know my face probably looks like a squashed water balloon, but seeing his face and feeling all warm and cozy and safe is worth it.
“Noey, I camnomt breave.”
“I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you’re really cute when you’re smooshed up against my chest,” he says down to me.
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