He had thought things would change once he’d start university. He had thought people were supposed to be more mature, act like adults, act like their age. But nothing had changed; people were still the same assholes, and this supposed maturity had only been a lie parents loved to tell their kids. People’s mentality about people like him would never change, Jude needed to get used to the idea that there would be other guys like Alex in his life. There would be other guys making bets between friends, other guys who would only want to earn that easy money. Other guys who only wanted to make him feel like shit, like he didn’t deserve what every other ‘normal’ people had, like he shouldn’t have been born at all.
Maybe Armin was the same, maybe Armin wasn’t even worth befriending, and maybe he should go back to Alex. Go back to him and hope he could make him feel loved again, make him feel like he was important to someone, make him feel like Alex had never played with him and still loved him as on day one. Maybe it was the same with Alice and Terry. They must have befriended him because they felt pity for him, for a boy who had no friends because he was fat, always alone during lunch break.
After his encounter with Alex, Jude had run back home ignoring the people he’d pushed on his way, ignoring the tears running down his cheeks, ignoring the nice old lady living on the same floor as him as he had slammed the door. And since then, he hadn’t stopped crying on his bed. Had ignored Alice’s calls and texts asking him where he was, if everything was alright. Terry hadn’t contacted him yet, but Jude knew it was only a matter of fact. As soon as he would see Alice’s text telling him it was an emergency, Jude wouldn’t be surprised to hear him slam his fist against his door.
Since his break-up with Alex, Terry tended to be a little too overprotective with him. Could he blame him? No, of course not. Not after what Alex did. Both Terry and Alice had stayed with him after that night. Had dried his tears, made sure he wouldn’t try anything stupid, and had made sure Jude knew how much they loved him. That he was important, a wonderful friend to them, worth of love, and not all those things Alex had told him. After that night, they had made sure Alex wouldn’t come close to him.
But Alex had found his way back to him, many times, but never before today had he kissed him. What would it be next time? Would Jude give in and spend another night with him? Would he put a bag on his head and let Alex fuck him? Maybe.
“You at least you love me, hm?” He scratched Loki under his chin, and closed his eyes as he started to purr. Of course he loved him, who else would feed him, play with him and give him belly rubs if it wasn’t Jude? Loki wasn’t even so much of a friendly cat with other people, it was a chance he behaved each time Alice and Terry came here.
Adopting Loki was one of the best things he had done in the last year. He kept him company each time he was too scared of leaving his flat. Each time he was too stressed because of an upcoming exam. Each time his parents had spent the whole phone conversation scolding him and making sure to put more pressure on his shoulders, making sure Jude knew how much of a disappointment he was to them and the whole family. Each time Loki was there, on his lap and looking at him with those big green eyes, purring and bumping his head against Jude. The best companion he had in this cold flat.
It didn’t take long to his friends to knock on his door. Lessons had barely been over that Jude had gotten a text from Alice telling him to leave his door open; they were coming. A part of him didn’t want to see them, didn’t want them to see the mess he and his flat were. But another wouldn’t mind the company. He would need to be with someone tonight, someone to talk to, and maybe the thoughts would leave him alone. Maybe Alex’s face would stop taunting him each time he closed his eyes.
The knock on the door sounded too loud, impatient, angry. That had to be Terry. But it wasn’t Terry who made him fall on his ass when he opened his door. With her limbs wrapped around him, Alice didn’t seem to want to let go of him.
“Are you okay?” She asked, hugging him tighter. “What happened? Are you sick?”
“Let him breathe, Alice.” Terry helped them get up before hugging Jude too. “Why don’t you two sit and I’ll get the coffee ready? You still have coffee, don’t you?”
Jude nodded, frowned. Terry looked too calm, and Jude knew this didn’t mean good things. Once they both would learn about Alex, he’d get two volcanos in his flat. Or maybe they suspected something like that already, after all, it wouldn’t have been the first time Jude skipped classes because of Alex.
“So,” Terry started as he sat on Jude’s bed, and handed them a cup of coffee, “mind telling us what happened?”
Jude hesitated. Should he tell them what happened with Alex without omitting any detail? Or should he keep a few things secret? Even though he would lie, they would find out. One way or another. So, Jude explained them the situation, and as he had expected it, his friends let their anger explode. Terry promised him to break his neck if Alex would come close to him again. As for Alice, it didn’t take her long to join Terry in his anger. First she had only remained still beside Jude, fists closed and knuckles white. Then, mimicking Terry, she had promised Jude to hurt him. A lot. So much Alex would never come close to him again. Alice was a sweet girl, but sometimes, she could be scary.
“But I’m fine,” he said wiping his tears, “really! Don’t worry, I just needed time for myself.”
“When will you stop lying to us and trust us a little more.” Terry said before taking him in his arms. “We know him, and we know you’re not fine. We’ve been through this already.”
“He’s right, you’re not fine. We all remember how you were after he– anyway, you’re not fine and we’re here to change that.” Alice joined their hug. “We won’t leave you alone, whether you want us to stay or not.”
Jude could only shed more tears. But having them beside him didn’t hush the voices in his head, didn’t make Alex’s voice stop. The same words, over and over again. How he was only good to entertain people. How no one would ever love him more than a toy. How people will always consider him as less than nothing. How people will always ask him out as a joke. No matter how old Jude was, no matter how many years would pass, people’s opinion about people like Jude would remain the same. No matter the many soothing words and no matter how many times his friends would tell him the contrary, tell him everything he needed to hear, some things would never change.
“Think I’ll go buy something to eat.” Alice said as she got up. “Anything’s fine?”
Beside him, Terry showed her his thumb before focusing his whole attention back on Jude. His thumbs brushed his tears, lips never leaving the top of his head.
“Next time call me, or Alice.” He said after a while, a hand lost in Jude’s hair. “I don’t want you to be alone. What’s going to happen next time, hm?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing, really? Look, he doesn’t care what you’re feeling, he’s an ass, and won’t stop.”
“Terry, please,” he sighed, “it’s only a matter of weeks now. He won’t be on campus next September.”
“I truly hope he won’t.” Then, when Jude least expected it, he let out the most maniacal laugh he had ever heard. “I’ve never beaten a blond’s ass. Oh I can see the scene from here, him hands on his butt crying and running to his mommy. Do you think you could take pictures when that day arrives?”
“You won’t kick any butt. You’re not even the violent type!”
“Oh, but I can be.” He said, smiling, eyebrows raised and showing his teeth.
“Not with that face.” Then, without notice, Jude threw a pillow to his face making Terry shout and complain that he was holding coffee.
When Alice came back, paper bags in both hands, different smells that could make anyone’s mouth water, she couldn’t help herself and take out her phone for a video. Filming her friends was something she often did, to keep memories of happy times, and this one here dripped with happiness despite the situation Jude had lived today. Seeing her friends like that, limbs tangled and bickering like kids, warmed her heart. Made her wish their friendship would never find an end, no matter what the future had in store for them. She loved them, dearly, more than anyone else, maybe even more than her fathers. They were her best friends, her family, so of course she wanted to see Alex dead – or at least badly injured – for what he did to Jude. Even with her own experience with disastrous romances, Alice couldn’t believe people like Alex enjoyed being assholes to other people.
They ate dinner surrounded with laughter and tears on their face, not giving a damn if they were disturbing Jude’s neighbours, not giving a damn about the homework they had to do for the next day. If everything they did tonight made Jude smile and forget Alex for a while, for just tonight, then it was enough to Alice and Terry, and nothing could change their mind on their mission. Jude needed them, they had to do their everything to help him and make him feel better. And when came the time for them to go back home and go to sleep, none of them moved. They stayed with Jude, helped him clean then watched a movie with him, until they fell asleep, the fake stars on the ceiling watching over them.
But Jude couldn’t sleep. Had too many things on his mind now that his apartment was too quiet. He had always hated this silence, as much as he loved it. Because silence meant an open gate to his dark thoughts, an open gate to his doubts and fears. An open gate to self-hatred and pictures in his mind he would never make true. Or at least Jude was trying hard not to. It wasn’t like he wanted to cross the line and leave his friends behind, but sometimes, the temptation was too great.
His encounter with Alex wasn’t helping either.
On his balcony, Jude couldn’t make the memories of this afternoon go away. As hard as he tried, Alex’s words resonated in his ears like an old broken record. No matter what he was doing, thinking, Alex always was on his mind. How many days, weeks or even months would he haunt him like that? Not for long, he hoped. Even if he had told Terry that he could do it, that he only needed to be patient until September, Jude doubted he would be strong enough to meet him on campus again before the end of the year. Even if Alice and Terry wouldn’t leave his side, Jude was aware that they couldn’t be on his back all day long. If he had to face Alex again, Jude would have to do it alone. Man up and face his fears like a man should do. As his father had always told him.
Eyes on the moon, his thoughts wandered back to Armin. He missed him. Missed talking to him and just seeing him. But was Jude brave enough to go back to that tattoo shop just to talk to him? Without a tattoo project in mind? Hell no. He didn’t even have his place there, as scared as he was of needles. Maybe he could hope to see him somewhere else, like at Mary’s place since he was her best friend and Terry and himself visited her often? Maybe he could wish to see him there, talk to him more and see how things between them would unfold.
Or maybe, and this was the most reasonable reason Jude had found, all of this wasn’t even Jude having a crush, but projecting his own wishes and hopes of a better relationship on Armin? Armin who still was a stranger to him. Maybe this wasn’t even a crush, no matter what Alice said to him about love with a big L.
Fists closed on his hair, Jude let out a frustrated groan. Even far away from him, Alex still won. Still made him doubt everything he felt. Even far away from him, Alex would always control his life, for his own entertainment. Make him believe he’d be the only one to care about him, love him, pity him even though he had made his intentions clear after their ‘breakup’. And on nights like this one, Jude believed his words more and more.
He wasn’t alone, never would be. Alice and Terry loved him, had never wanted to harm him in any way. Instead of believing Alex, Jude should trust his friends more. Trust the ones he knew best. Trust the ones who had never wanted to use him. They were friends, and friends never harmed each other. Right?
Some things were easier said than done, though.
That thought never left him mind. Even when he came back to bed, and felt a semblance of safety in Terry’s arms, Jude couldn’t let go of that thought.
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