I woke up coughing my lungs out the next morning. Every single cough made my beaten-up body tremble in pain. My wish of not being in pain didn’t come true, no matter how many times I’d cried it out loud during the night.

I took a warm shower, and even though it made breathing easier, I still felt horrible. I washed myself, moving slowly and breathing shallowly so I wouldn’t start coughing again.

It was still early when I stepped out of the shower and dressed in my black clothes. Allen and Dad were fast asleep when I sneaked past their rooms to the stairs. I headed to our kitchen and grabbed an apple from the counter on my way to the back door in the utility room that was right next to our kitchen.

When I was outside in the cold air, I walked around the house to get to the driveway, but when I stepped on the pavement, I saw something move close by. I snapped my head in that direction, and what I saw froze the blood in my veins.

There was a noose in our tree, swaying slowly in the wind.

Tonight.

I shivered and looked down at the ground. It was just a sick joke, but it hurt. It always hurt when people did something like that. I had to spend a moment gathering myself before I looked at the rope again. I could see a piece of paper attached to it, and I hesitated to go get it. My dad would get angry if he saw it, so I had to go take it down. Part of me wanted to leave it there… Maybe someone would notice it and start asking questions. Maybe they’d finally see how things were in my home. Maybe someone would help me.

I took a deep breath and walked to the tree. Normally it would’ve been easy for me to climb up, but I was weak and in pain. Somehow, I managed to get high enough to untie the rope, but it took all my effort to do so.

When it was off, I climbed down and took the small note. I turned it around and read it, even though I knew I shouldn’t have.

“This would look great on you…” I read it out loud and gasped for air, “…fag.”

Why…?

I just couldn’t understand why…. I looked at the rope and, for the first time in my life, I really considered it. I just wanted to end it all. I was too tired to carry on. But one thought saved my life at that moment. Just one.

“Beau…” I breathed his name and wiped the tears away.

I couldn’t end it just yet. I had to ask him why he had helped me.

Turning my back on the noose on the ground, I walked down our driveway and stuffed the awful note into our trash can. It was just a prank. It didn’t mean anything. I decided to ignore it and keep walking. I still had one reason to live.

I ate my apple on my way to school, trying to ignore how sick I was. I had to stop for a moment and lean against a tree when I started coughing but kept going when it calmed down. I couldn’t stop. I feared that if I stopped, it would be the end of me.

I was that close to giving up for good.

Half an hour later, when I walked through the silent schoolyard, I felt like I had just accomplished something great just by making it there. I hid behind the bushes near the back entrance to wait for the first period to start. I had almost thirty minutes to waste, but it was better for me to arrive early than be seen by my bullies.

How pathetic was that?

I opened my bag and grabbed my black notebook. I glanced at the first page, the one with the word ‘stupid’ written all over it, then opened the next blank page.

“Pathetic,” I muttered out loud.

It was pathetic how I had to hide from others all the time. I was pathetic for not standing up for myself. I was pathetic for getting so shaken up by a stupid prank. I was pathetic when I cried, and when I wished for things that would never happen. I was pathetic at school, pathetic at home, and too pathetic to kill myself. Even my cuts were pathetic. Sometimes they didn’t even bleed.

No one would love someone as pathetic as me.

I had written the word ‘pathetic’ a few dozen times on the second page. I kept staring at the words, savoring them, memorizing each curve of each letter, so I’d never forget how pathetic I was.

Then I closed the book and put it back in my bag, letting out a deep sigh as I closed it. It was a mistake. I started coughing again, and soon I got dizzy since I couldn’t get enough air into my burning lungs. I tried to be quiet, fearing I was giving out my hiding place, but it was too late already. When the fit finally ended, and I was able to breathe, I heard a voice from the other side of the thick bushes.

“So this is where you’re hiding.”

My heart froze. I froze. Even my mind froze when I recognized that voice.

It was Deon. Of all the people, it was he who had heard me.

“Come out,” he spoke with a neutral voice.

It was clear he was talking to me, so there was no point in staying in my hiding place anymore. Deon would drag me out if I didn’t come out on my own. So, I crawled under the branches, and as soon as he saw me, he grabbed me by my hood and pulled me up on my feet.

“That’s a pretty nasty cough you have,” he said with a smirk.

He didn’t release me, not even when I found my balance. I wanted to ask what he wanted from me, but when I looked up at him, I lost my voice. He was truly intimidating, and the look in his eyes was menacing.

“That sucks for you. I wouldn’t have noticed you lurking there if you weren’t sick,” he continued.

“I k-know,” I stuttered.

“Say what?” Deon asked, his hold on me growing tighter.

I lost my voice again. If he knew how many times I’d seen him taking girls to his favorite hiding place at the back of the school, he’d get really mad at me. He’d passed by my hiding place countless times before, and this was the first time I got caught. I thought I could use that information as my leverage, but I didn’t have the guts to blackmail him.

Deon squinted his eyes and pulled me closer to his face. I whimpered in fear without being able to keep my voice down, and that seemed to satisfy him. He took a step back and quickly looked around, making sure no one was watching.

Then, without a word, he started dragging me toward the back entrance, but he didn’t take me inside. Instead, he continued toward the corner at the other end, making me really scared. There was nothing behind that corner, except the tall iron fence surrounding the place, making it a dead end. That was the place where Deon took his girls – where no one could see them.

And he was definitely not taking me there so he could make out with me. No, it was going to be much more painful for me.

He pulled me around the corner and tossed me against the wall. I gasped in pain, and he laughed at my reaction.

“That wasn’t even hard,” he said.

I couldn’t help it. I’d been tossed, kicked, and hit so many times in the past couple of days that it felt like all my bones were nothing but dust anymore.

“Please…” I whimpered in pain. “Don’t hurt me.”

He chuckled lightly and lifted his hand. First, I thought he was going to hit me, but he just poked me in the stomach. I let out a sharp breath out of surprise, but when he poked me again, hitting my rib, it hurt so much I wanted to cry.

Deon raised an eyebrow at my painful expression, but he didn’t stop. I could feel his finger trailing up and down my sore body, but I tried to stay quiet. He was clearly enjoying himself while watching me tremble in pain.

But then he found an especially sore spot on my side. A small cry escaped my lips, and he touched the same place again. I quivered in pain and tried to push him away, but I was too weak to even stand straight.

Deon snorted at my reaction but stopped poking me. He took a better grip on me while he pulled my shirt up, revealing the bruises I had.

“So you’re a punching bag,” he noted. “That looks painful.”

“Leave me alone,” I whispered.

“What was that?” he asked, leaning closer to me.

“L-Leave…” was all I managed to say, and he chuckled at my futile attempt.

“Don’t be rude,” he said and let go of my shirt.

I tugged them back down while keeping my eyes on the ground. I was embarrassed that he saw me like that.

Deon didn’t say a word in the next few moments. I knew he was looking at me, and when I finally found enough courage to peer up at him, he had a calculating look on his face.

“You know, you still owe me one for saving your ass,” he said eventually.

“W-What do you w-want?” I stuttered, looking back down again.

“Oh, I’ll think of something,” he said and put his arm around my shoulders. “In the meantime, I think that you and I should be friends,” he continued, and my heart froze out of fear.

Deon started leading me back toward the entrance. His arm never left my shoulder, and I knew in my heart that I was in deep shit this time.