Dear Christy,
I just want to start off by saying I’m sorry. Before you go blaming yourself, none of this was your fault. Sometimes life just isn’t what we expected. Sometimes we’re just not as strong as we think we are.
Before I died, I told Ria to give this to you on your birthday. I knew she wouldn’t be able to wait that long, in fact I counted on it. I’ll tell you why in a second.
So here’s the million dollar question. Why did I kill myself? Well, I know that’s not what you’ve been asking yourself. I know you’re probably asking: why did you leave me? And that thought makes it hurt so much more so I’m not going to think about that anymore. Plus, I think you know, Christopher. You deserve someone who can be there for you, who can hold your hand no matter who’s watching. You know better than anyone I never belonged here. We were always two aliens, two sheep in a land of wolves.
What else can I say? I’m tired.
Remember when we first met? It was recess in sixth grade. You were the middle school new kid, sitting alone at the benches. I thought you had the saddest eyes I would ever see in my life. But your hair was the color of sunlight and that drew me in like a moth to the flame. I think I bothered you when I said hello. The first thing you told me was that your name was Christopher and I could fuck off. I hadn’t even opened my mouth yet, but you were already so defensive. I couldn’t help but laugh. Of course, your dumbass thought I was laughing at you and you hated me for the next month. After that, we easily became best friends.
Remember that Halloween party in senior year of high school? It was the first year the both of us were invited to a big party. We got ridiculously bored though and ended up stealing some liquor and snuck out to the pumpkin patch by the farmers market a mile away. You spoke about your deadbeat dad and I spoke about trying to escape my mother and Alyssa’s clutches. And then we got drunk and made love.
I know how much you love brain teasers so how’s this one:
If we were born somewhere up North, would things have been different?
You're a sentimental piece of shit. I know you’re crying. Stop that. Life was never meant to be taken that seriously. I do want you to know that, even now, you have all my love. Forever and always. But stop trying to drink yourself to death.
About what I mentioned before, Ria’s big mouth just signed you a contract with my final wish. There’s a map attached to the back of this letter. I left you some notes, some things that reminded me of you, and some possessions of mine that I couldn’t leave to you in my will. The places I want you to visit are marked. The first place is circled while the others are marked with an x. Go to the circled location on your birthday. Further instructions will be left with every place. You have to promise me you’ll do this alone. Just you and what remains of me. Do it for me, Christy.
I’ll see you again some day. But I'll be pissed off if it’s before you’re old and gray. I may not have been very strong, but you are.
Enjoy the rest of your mortal life. And throw my damn clothes out already.
Signing off for now,
Toby
I flipped the letter over. He wasn’t lying. There is a map on the other side, a map of the whole east coast. There were places marked all the way up North. I thought he was talking about staying within county borders but… oh hey. Philadelphia is marked too. Damn mind reader.
“W-When did he give this to you?” I asked, my voice betraying me a little. Ria’s eyes softened.
“It was a couple months ago. I swear I didn’t know… I just thought it was an elaborate plan for a birthday gift.”
“I know. I believe you,” I sighed, wiping away my tears. That man always saw right through my bullshit. He’s a fucking cunt, making me go through all of this knowing I could never deny him his wishes. Fuck you Toby. And fuck love.
“Ooo those look like the eyes of a newly determined man,” Ria commented, poking the space between my brows. I scowled and swatted her hand away.
“You both just love to make fun of me, even after death.”
“Eh?”
“I guess I am going on a stupid roadtrip.”
“Really?!”
“Don’t look so damn excited. Can you just pretend to feel bad for me?”
“Why the hell would I do that? I told you already. You need to stop wallowing around in your self-pity all the damn time. This is the perfect opportunity. So where is the genius sending you? Hopefully it’s out of Greenville.”
“Everywhere apparently. But the first stop is-” I showed her the map.
“Cleveland?!” We both exclaimed at the same time. Ain’t no fucking way I’m going there.
“You’ve got to be shitting me,” I groaned.
“Why couldn’t it have been Columbus!” Ria pouted. “Cleveland is awful.”
“I’m going to get shanked and my car is going to get stripped for parts.”
“Oh don’t be so pessimistic.”
“It’s Cleveland, Ria.”
“At least it isn’t Greenville.”
“You mean at least my death won’t be by my own hands.”
“That too.”
I tucked the letter back into its envelope and set it on the nightstand.
“Come on. Let’s go grocery shopping now. I need to buy more liquor.”
“You’re hopeless,” Ria sighed as she got to her feet. “I’ll drive. We’re buying you a suitcase too.”
“You’re only eager for this adventure because you aren’t being forced to go.”
“Actually I would love to go but, like I said, I have an actual job, not just working night shifts at the Walmart.”
“Low blow.”
“Am I wrong?”
“Fuck off. I’ll get a real job soon. Maybe in Pennsylvania.”
“If you do actually move, I’ll quit my job and live in your basement.”
“What a backstabbing bitch. Fine whatever. Can we just go?”
“I hope you know you’re an alcoholic and I hate it when you get like this.”
“Blah blah blah I’m getting into your car now.”
The market was way too full for a thurs- no, wedns-, no… what day is it? Fuck if I know. It was just really busy and I always feel like the cashiers are judging me on my grand purchases of canned goods, microwavable meals, and three packs of beer. Ria, somehow not giving up on me yet, bought me additional fruits, vegetables, and other produce I haven’t touched in years.
“How did you find a suitcase that size for twenty bucks?” I asked incredulously.
“No clue. But it feels like a stole it,” Ria snickered. As she backed out of the parking lot, she rolled down all the windows in the car.
“Fuck you Ohio!” She yelled out the window as she booked it down the street, like we were still high schoolers. I couldn’t help but smile just a bit, forgetting for just a second about the greedy void in my soul as I screamed, “Fuck you Ohio!” to the rows of trees and corn and wasteland with my best friend. Fucking hate this place.
***
A month came and passed in the blink of an eye. Nothing changed really, I kept drinking until I couldn’t remember my name and I got so hungover I wished I was dead already and I went to work and I hated every second of it and I just existed and blurred between days and thoughts.
It’s officially the morning of my birthday. Happy twenty five to me. I’ll be spending it alone, driving three hours to east Cleveland and trying not to get mugged and murdered as I figure out what the fuck Toby was thinking sending me there. I huffed and aggressively threw some clothes into the open suitcase on my bed. Guess I’m going to be sleeping in my car tonight.
I packed up the car when I was finished. Double checking I had clothes, toothbrush and toothpaste as well as deodorant, my phone and charger, wallet, a blanket and a pack of beer in the trunk. On second thought, I added my camera and a pack of cigarettes. Then I got dressed. Skinny jeans, some oversized brown flannel over a Skinny Puppy tee. I brushed my sandy golden hair into a half-assed bun and had the other half of the donut I ate for dinner last night for breakfast. Just as I was about to lock up, a car screeched to a halt in front of the driveway. Ria stumbled out, waving her free hand in the air. There was a box in the other.
“Christy! Before you go-!”
“Don’t fucking call me that,” I growled as she panted by the front door.
“Fix your attitude. I bought you a cake.” I took the box from the woman’s hands and opened the lid. We both peered inside at the disaster of frosting and cake inside.
“Well… it used to be a cake,” she added sheepishly. I thanked her for the smushed mess in my hands as I tossed it into the trunk.
“Drive safe, asshole,” she smiled. I flicked her forehead, earning a wince from her.
“I’ll try. If I die out there, it’s all your fault.”
“That’s cruel,” Ria pouted. I rolled my eyes and squeezed her in a quick hug.
“Miss you already Christy.”
"Don’t smoke all my weed while I’m gone, dickwad.”
“I won’t. I won’t. How long do you think this road trip will last?”
“No clue. Maybe a few days. Maybe a few months. It’s a good thing I was able to save up as much money as I did. I officially quit Walmart.”
“Well, if you ever need some extra cash, text me. I can venmo you a few bucks.”
“Sure, ok.”
“Don’t get stabbed in east Cleveland.”
“No promises.”
Ria said her goodbyes and drove off. I followed soon after, putting on some heavy metal to get me through this drive. And then it was just me and the highway, watching the county I lived for practically my whole life get smaller and smaller until it disappeared over the horizon entirely.
It felt weird driving long distances on my own. I was so used to driving with Ria or Toby that this felt wrong. I cranked the music louder to drown out my thoughts.
Toby’s instructions on the map were to find this old smoke shop on Marloes Avenue. I don’t know what I’m supposed to find at an old smoke shop in the middle of Cleveland but I guess I’ll find out.
After reaching that point in the drive when my ass started to go numb and my leg began cramping up, I finally saw the city coming into view. Gee. It only took five hours.
I was lucky enough to find a 12 hour parking garage for only fifteen bucks total. I made sure to lock my car and cover all my belongings with my blanket. Not in the mood to come back and find it all stolen. Once I walked above ground, I cringed. God this fucking city sucks. Everything is trashed and the weather is always gloomy. I better get going. Any loitering here just makes you a target, especially if it’s a scrawny looking dipshit with worn out sneakers. Well, at least I don’t have a pair of fresh kicks. I don’t feel like losing my shoes today either.
The map said I’m looking for Dustin’s Smoke Shop. I literally have no idea where to start looking. I wandered around the city until I found Maloes. Then I picked a random direction and started walking.
Everyone here looks as miserable as I feel. I passed too many homeless people, too many shady crowds, too many cops. Dustin’s Smoke Shop. Dustin’s. Dustin’s. This’ll take hours.
“Hey girl, you lost?” I heard someone call out to me. I stuffed my hands and kept walking, not wanting to start any trouble. The quicker I find this place, the quicker I can leave. The man whistled at me from behind. “Hey girl-” I fought the urge to look back and shoot him a look.
“Aw shit, brother,” another voice chimed in with a laugh. “That ain’t no chick. Thassa whole ass dude.”
“Mothafucker, you blind as hell,” a third voice chuckled.
“He still cute though, ain’t he?”
“Dawg you trippin’.”
“I don’t know, I kinda see it.”
I picked up the pace. Unfortunately, they caught up pretty fast. A heavy hand wrapped around my arm.
“Hey princess, you from around here?”
“You look a little lost.”
“We can help you out.”
I looked up at the men, trying to memorize their features in case I needed to call the cops. My hand tightened around my phone in my pocket.
“I’m not lost,” I assured calmly. I fished for my switchblade in my other pocket. Just in case. I shook the man’s hand off and slipped inside the nearest public building. Good. This seems like a good place to hide for a bit. There’s a good amount of people. Maybe I can even ask for directions.
“Excuse me,” I waved the man behind the register over.
“What’s up?” he nodded.
“Can you tell me where I can find Dustin’s Smoke Shop?”
“Dustin’s Smoke Shop?”
“Yeah.”
“Dude, this is Dustin’s Smoke Shop.”
“No shit, really?”
“Yeah. What can I help you with today?”
As badly as I wanted a smoke, I reminded myself what I came here for. Plus, I got cigs in the car.
“This… how do I put it? Someone sent me here.”
“Oh? Do you have an order?”
“Uh I’m not sure…”
“Who was the person who sent you?”
“Tobias Seyton.”
A flash of recognition fell over the man’s youngish features.
“Can I get your name and see an ID?”
“Christopher Lodovik and uh… here-” I flashed my ID, seemingly enough for the man to verify my identity.
“We’ve been waiting for you. Wait here one moment.” Well that didn’t sound ominous at all. The man came back with a small black box, the kind you’d put a gift card in. He handed it to me and I took it with a bit of reluctance.
“We were also told to give you this-” I was given a pack of Camels and a light. I chuckled as I opened the pack. Amidst the cigarettes was a folded slip of paper. I unfolded it, finding Toby and my goofy smile staring back at me. It was the picture we took at the pumpkin patch. We were younger, dumber, and so obviously in love. Tears welled in the ducts of my eyes and I choked them back, folding the picture after burning it onto the back of my eyelids. I slid it back into the pack, noticing two words scribbled onto the inside of the carton in black sharpy. Of course I’d recognize that handwriting anywhere. Of forgiveness.
I hate that I knew exactly what Toby was referencing. That song was the song we listened to all the time in high school and college. It was the song I played after my dad used to beat the shit out of me. It was the song he played when he cried on those nights he couldn’t sleep. It was the song we listened to as we made out in the back of his 2004 Toyota Corolla after class. Crystal Meth Blues by Patron Saint of Bridge Burners.
I thanked the man and left, gripping the objects with clammy hands. I found my car easily enough. With an empty head, I started it and drove as far away as I could from that city. I don’t know where I’m going, but I can’t be there anymore. I need to get away.
I pulled up to a rest stop a couple hours away. Time felt skewed. I can’t believe the sun is setting already. I don’t want to open that box. I’m not ready. But, I have to, right? Well…
Instead, I lit a cigarette, taking a long drag as I cracked open the windows. That song was haunting me. Like Toby. I can’t get it out of my head. With a sigh, I put on my headphones and played the song, hearing Toby’s voice in every word. It felt like every line was carved into my heart.
“You said if I ever ran away
You would cry every day.
I know you’re sorry.”
This is so lame. I just can’t stop crying. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Toby, you asshole. Just come back already. Come home. I can’t do this anymore. I miss you.
I sobbed into the sleeve of my flannel, burying my face in the fabric and pretending you were here beside me, telling me that there’s no reason to cry anymore. That everything’s ok, even if it wasn’t. Even if I wanted to die. Even if it hurt to breathe.
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