Rachie silently drops me off in front of my house and drives away without a word. I want to scream at her how unfair it is that I am the one who feels the need to apologize after what happened, but she already feels distant. I can’t even remember the last time I felt this awful.

I go straight to my room, slam the door behind me and plug in my dead phone. From across the house I can hear my little brother cry, and at this very moment I really wish I was young enough to throw tantrums like his. Or that adults were also allowed to scream their anger at the world without being considered crazy. Instead, I hastily get out of my clothes, grab a towel and head to take a shower.

With the warm water flowing against my back, I try to reason myself. The anger has left me like a wave almost as fast as it came. After all, I can’t blame her for trying to make me happy, and she didn’t mean to do any harm. Can I really be angry at someone who only wants what’s best for me? She truly did think Sarah and I would be great together, and I’d be lying if I said she didn’t pick right.

I’m exhausted, and all I really want in the moment is to wash all of what happened away. To me, there is no feeling emptier than to know Rachel won’t talk to me, and I hold back my tears. Maybe I should have reacted differently. Maybe I should have taken it in, let her do what she wanted since it made her happy...

I put on some joggings and an old shirt before grabbing my phone. I use the small amount of energy I have left to curl into a ball with my blanket and the plush Rachie gave me for my birthday. I have a few texts from Sarah saying she’s sorry about the books she couldn’t lend me because she was asleep. We chat a bit, and she promises that next time we see each other she’ll bring them. Rachel may not want to talk to me, but, for the first time, I feel like I at least have made a friend other than Rachie.

***

When my dad knocks on my door later on I’m a total mess. I have dark bags under my eyes and I feel so bad I could explode. I use my sleeve to hastily wipe a tear off of my eye.

“Can I come in?”, he asks hesitantly, cracking the door open. I nod and he comes to sit on my bed next to me. “I figure you won’t want to tell me what’s wrong, but I still don’t like to see my girl like that.” He sighs before looking softly at me. “Would you be up for a movie night?”

I smile and he takes it as a yes. He fishes his phone out of his pocket and together we begin to browse old crappy movies. We settle on ‘Plan 9 from Outer Space’, which he says is so bad I won’t hold in place until the end. But I do stay right next to my dad, right there, watching and enjoying every second of the film.

As the movie plays, we compete on who can find the most mistakes on screen. There are so many that we’re soon to lose count, but every find still is a victory. The charm however breaks when my dad hugs me before leaving and I’m left to count the mistakes in my own life rather than in the movie. 

Biquette comes into my room as my dad leaves, jumps into my bed and stays right there in my arms until I fall asleep, right where I need her. Sometimes, I feel like she’s the only one who truly gets me.

***

I wake up the next morning feeling like I’ve lost my purpose. I don’t even bother getting dressed, and I feel like trying to eat wouldn’t do my stomach any good. And for a few days my main occupation consists of reading Sarah’s book just so that I have an excuse to talk to someone. We discuss the story, characters and plot twists late at night until I reach the last page. Finishing a story never hurt me so much, and I hug Sarah’s novel tightly for a few minutes before letting it go. Sarah promises she’ll lend me another novel and I’ll let her borrow my Batman comics. Could she be less perfect? I feel guilty at the thought.

Through the last few days, I tried texting Rachel over and over again but she still won’t answer. Every day, every time I have nothing more to discuss with Sarah, I send her a message. She reads them but never answers until I can’t take it anymore.

I’ve got enough after a week of silence, and I gather enough courage to walk up to Rachel’s door.