I ignore my mom’s sarcastic reaction when she notices I’ve finally gotten out of my pajamas. My mind goes blank as soon as I pass the door, and my headspace gets dizzy with words of apologies. I try to find the right thing to say, yet I can’t seem to absorb any of it. I feel my thoughts flowing out of my eyes, and I take a moment to breathe. The leaves gently move at every breeze, and I hear the birds humming in the distance. I look up to a cloudless sky, and I begin to walk down the road to Rachie’s.

I have thought of many ways I could approach her over the past few days, but I freeze entirely as she opens the very door I was too scared to knock on. “You beat me to it”, she exclaims in an attempt to lighten the mood. Had I waited a few more minutes, she’d have been the one on my front steps. My shoulders drop, and I lower my head a bit. 

I clench my jaw to stop my lip from quivering. One look into my eyes and Rachie hugs me as tightly as she ever has. My body tenses back up, but I’m soon to bury my head in her neck. I feel her breasts against mine, her chest rising at every breath she takes. I breathe in before I force myself to free myself from her arms.

“So…” she begins, leaving her sentence pending in an awkward silence. We both giggle and I allow myself to relax ever so slightly. “Wanna go for a walk?”, she asks in a small voice. I get down the steps that lead to her door without answering, knowing she’ll follow me.

Together, we walk the roads of our childhood almost as in a dream. When we were kids, instead of staying inside, we’d walk around the neighborhood so often that we both know the streets by heart. I even think I could go to the convenience store where they sell the candies we used to buy with my eyes closed. The memory gives me a sense of calm, as if we both hadn’t changed. I can still feel the child within me saying Rachie and I are best friends forever, running around and smiling and laughing. Thinking back to these times when we held hands and hugged every time we saw each other, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment when we began to grow apart. Then I look at her, with her perfect golden hair and those worried eyes, I abruptly get back to my adult self. I know I am the one at fault for reasons Rachie can’t even begin to know.

“I’m sorry that I haven’t been fair to you since Sarah’s birthday.”

I’m about to say she doesn’t have to be sorry when she stops me. I sketch a smile at her anticipating my response, and she goes on without me interrupting.

“I have been reflecting on what you said. I’ve been pushing you too far and I admit that that was unfair of me.” She bites her lip. “But that’s the thing with you. I never know when it’s too much; you accumulate for years before exploding… You know you can talk to me when things aren’t okay, right?” 

My eyes get watery and my chest, suddenly heavy, rises to my chin. I can think of many things I should say but only one thing manages to faintly come out of my mouth. “So you weren’t angry at me?”, I softly inquire.

She smiles lightly, her eyes lighting up, as if it was the silliest thing I ever told her. She gives me a side hug, and I can finally let go of the tensions that have been growing in my body for a few days.

“You gotta admit Sarah’s pretty great though”, she teases. I slap her arm, and just like that things almost feel right again. I smile at the mention of Sarah’s name, which I truly hope goes unnoticed. We chat for a bit, as if nothing had happened at all.

On my way home, I feel the weight piling back up on my shoulder. It’s easier to pretend when I’m not alone. To be able to talk to her again relieves me, but I sense my feelings ticking like a bomb on our friendship. My wings are gradually being clipped and I know I can only blame myself for it.

***

I lay awake in bed, thoughtlessly fixing the ceiling in the dark. My phone finally chimes, and I smile as Sarah’s name pops on the screen. We chat back and forth until she falls asleep, and the minute I shut my phone off the emptiness of the room rushes back to me. The sunlight begins to pierce through my curtains, and I feel myself falling into a restless sleep.