The box gave me a look from the passenger seat. Well, not really, but it felt like it. Just open me, dumbass, I almost heard it say. I grabbed it and threw the lid off. Inside was another letter. Beneath that was a key. I opened the letter.
Christy,
How was Cleveland? Did you like it? I just know you’re giving me that face right now, the one where you so clearly want to strangle someone. I’m going to miss it.
You’re probably wondering why I made you go all the way out to Cleveland to get this. The short answer: to get you out of Greenville. There’s no going back now. A deal is a deal.
A cousin of mine lives in West Virginia. She owns a brewery there. You’ll like her. She’ll be expecting you in two days. So, for now, enjoy the sights and the scenery. Under the foam with the key is some money for motels and food. It should take care of you for a few weeks.
Happy Birthday Christopher. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to spend it with you. But if you’re listening to that song, I’m still there with you somehow. You know that, right?
I love you.
Sorry.
~Toby
I clutched the paper to my chest. It hurts. It hurts so damn much. I need a drink.
I climbed over the seats to the trunk and cracked open a beer and Ria’s pathetic-looking cake. I cried as I drank, but eventually the alcohol numbed the pain inside a bit. I looked distantly at the stars outside as I nibbled cake off the edge of my knife.
This night looks so vast, so different from Greenville’s night. I felt so small, like I was floating into an edgeless abyss. Will it ever get better? I thought. No one answered.
After eating enough to quiet the growl in my stomach and drinking enough to quiet the voice in my head, I wrapped myself in my blanket and shut off the car, willing myself to sleep in an attempt to not exist consciously anymore.
And it was quiet. And the void inside swallowed me like a pill, over and over and over. I’m so lost, more lost than I’ve ever been in my life.
***
“Christy! What are you doing?” he laughed.
“If you skip the stones like this, they can skip like five times.”
“You look ridiculous. Come here.”
I let Toby pull me onto his lap.
“When are we going to leave this place already?” I huffed into his shoulder.“I don’t know what you’re talking about. This place is grand. Plus Ohio is for lovers, right?”
“Oh fuck off,” I laughed, pushing him into the mud.
“Hey Christy.”
“Yes, Toby?” He looked like an angel beneath me, curly hair bouncing everywhere, dark skin glowing with life and laughter, light brown eyes catching the sun’s rays.
“Let’s run away together. We can start a new life in Michigan or something.”
“What about finishing college?”
“Fuck college. Who needs it?”
“Not us,” I giggled. “Let’s do it. Let’s run away and start a chicken farm in stupid Michigan. Far away so that Alyssa and your family and my family can’t find us.”
“Hey Christy?”
“Yes, Toby?”
“I love you.”
“I know. I love me too.”
“Shut the fuck up,” he laughed. I leaned down and captured his full lips with mine. I love kissing Tobias. It makes me feel invincible.
Toby rolled us around in the mud, kissing me more forcefully. I gasped against his lips as he pressed my body against the cold ground. His muddy fingers traced up the bare skin of my exposed stomach. I left streaks of dirt against his face where I touched him.
He dipped down to suck at the skin beneath my jaw. My fingers twined themselves in his curls. He was always my sun. I was always his moon. He was my light and I was his dark and we always balanced each other out, in some strange way. I’ve never felt love like this, when I’m held so gently in his arms. I’ve never loved anyone like I love this man and that scares me. But I can’t help but want more. I want to know all about what it feels to be cherished, to be adored. I want that word love to be taught to me the right way. Not with threats, cold stares, and belt buckles. With kind eyes, warm skin, patient words and benign touches.
“I love you too, Toby,” I whispered into the crook of his neck. I love you. I love you. I love you.
***
Where the hell am I supposed to stay for the next couple days? I’ve been driving for about four hours now and I don’t even know where I’m going. All I know is that in a week I’m going to visit Toby’s cousin in freaking West Virginia for my next stupid note. I don’t even know what time it is? Midday I guess. I’m so tired.
I suppose I’ll stay at a motel tonight. I checked the bottom of the box as instructed. Turns out Toby wasn’t lying. He somehow managed to hide around two thousand dollars in that tiny box. That must have been a good dent in his savings. Well, not that he needed them anymore I guess. Fuck. I should stop thinking.
I took some random exit off the highway and ended up in a foreign town. It was a quaint town. Little shops and restaurants lined the narrow streets. I ended up parking the car behind a small shop to take a breather. I slipped my lighter and cigs in my back pocket and stumbled out of the car to search for a place to take a piss. My back hurts. At least the car is a better place to sleep than the tub. I haven’t slept in my own bed in months. Just can’t.
“Excuse me?” I asked a woman behind the counter of a small cafe. She looked kind, like life hadn’t yet broken her to tiny pieces yet.
“Hello, how can I help you?”
“Is there a bathroom here?”
“Sure. It’s in the back. Just take a left and then another left.”
I thanked her and found a small bathroom behind a pink door. It was old for sure, but not falling apart just yet. It looked nice, actually. It suited the vibe of this town.
After relieving myself, washing my hands, and splashing cold water on my face to lessen the bags beneath my eyes, I combed my fingers through my hair and walked back out.
“Would you like some coffee, sir?” The young woman asked.
“How much?”
“On the house for you. It looks like you’ve been through a lot,” she chuckled. I smiled as charmingly as I could and said, “Sure, I’ll take one.”
“Where do you come from? Out of state?”
“Uhhh what state am I in right now?” I asked sheepishly. She laughed as she poured some black coffee into a travel cup.
“Ohio.”
“Still? Alright then no. My ex is sending me on a wild goose chase.”
“Bad break up or something?”
“Or something.”
“Hm. Well, if it makes you feel any better, West Virginia is only about forty five minutes south of here. Maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for there.” I took the cup from her outstretched hand.
“Yeah. Maybe.”
I lit a cigarette as I sat down on the sidewalk just outside. The cars strolling by all had somewhere to go. Meanwhile I was just wandering around with half a brain and nowhere to be. Even though it’s spring, it’s still freezing out. I rubbed my hands together to preserve some warmth. I should probably eat something. I haven’t eaten right in a while.
“Can I bum a smoke?” Someone asked. I looked up to find a pair of grayish blue eyes, popping against black eyeshadow. She had the same look in those eyes that I saw in my own in that bathroom. Empty.
I tilted the open pack toward the woman and studied her as I lit her cig. She was punk as all hell, with her dark blue and black dreads, tattoos creeping up her exposed arms and peeking through the torn fishnets on her legs, chains and spikes decorating her streetwear. The woman sunk down beside me, crossing one chunky black sneaker over the other as she sat.
“Long ways from home, huh?” She asked.
“What makes you say that?”
“I know every punk in this town.”
“What makes you think I’m punk?”
The woman scoffed at my question and tilted her head to get a good look at my hands.
“Hometown,” she said aloud, reading the ink on my own knuckles. “What’s that mean?”
“There was a song I used to listen to all the time. Edit Your Hometown. Some stupid promise that I’ll leave that awful place I grew up in.”
“Is that what you’re doing now?”
“I-” Is that what I’m doing? Am I leaving for good? I mean I don’t own a lot. I have practically all my possessions save for some drugs and whatever remaining clothes are still hanging up in my closet. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. Maybe I am running away. For good. The woman beside me hummed.
“Are you doing anything tonight? There’s a party in the basement of the bait house over there by the dock.” She pointed to the dock by the river on the other end of the street. “You should come.”
“You’re going to invite a stranger from out of town to a party?” I asked with a cocked eyebrow. The woman shrugged. “You don’t even know my name.”
“What’s your name?”
“Christopher.”
“Now I know your name.”
“Well I don’t know yours.”
“Hauyne. That’s what my friends call me.”
“Hauyne?”
“Blue’s my favorite color. Anyways think about it. The party’s at ten but the fun starts at eleven. Just tell the bouncers you're a friend of mine. They’re chill. My insta’s sewer_snake if you have any questions.”
“Why are you being welcoming to a stranger?” I asked. Hauyne shrugged.
“You remind me of someone to be honest.”
I guess I could see that. I mean, I could understand the sentiment of trying to help out some guy who you may not have been able to help out before. The woman snubbed out the cigarette on the concrete and got to her feet.
“See you later, Christopher.”
I watched the woman until she disappeared behind a corridor, out of sight. The more I smoked the more that whole conversation felt like a daydream. Just to be sure it wasn’t, I took out my phone and typed sewer_snake into the ig search bar. Sure enough, Hauyne popped up, blue eyes and dreads and all. And, from the looks of it, she does like to party. I mulled the thought over in my mind. It’s not like I have anything better to do. Maybe this is what I need right now, a distraction. I sighed, getting up off the sidewalk. Might as well find somewhere to grab something to eat for now.
The good thing about this town is that there are plenty of options. The bad thing about me is that lately food just lost its appeal. It’s become more of a chore than anything. My stomach churned at the thought of consuming anything. But I could already hear Ria yelling at me to take care of myself. So I walked into a small restaurant by the water.
There was an older man working the register. The entire back wall was covered in windows, showing off what someone would consider a breathtaking view of the river. I wish I could enjoy it more. But the water just looked like water. And the sky just looked like sky. And everything just felt so far away. Stupid.
“‘Ello. ‘ow can I ‘elp yoo?” the man asked in a thick accent I couldn’t quite place.
“Uhh I’m looking to get… food.” Fucking dumbass Christopher. Of course you’re looking to get food. Stupid scrawny ass idiot looking dipshit-
“Eh?”
“Um, can I just get a chicken wrap and a water?”
The man grunted in acknowledgement and I paid as he shouted something incomprehensible to the back kitchen. After a few minutes, a younger man with green eyes and a bushel of brown curls came out with my order, waving me over with a smile.
“Chicken wrap and water?”
“Yep that’s me.”
“Here you are. Have a great day.”
“Uh y-you too.”
Somewhere in the back of my brain, I acknowledged how attractive the young man in front of me was. But that thought just made me feel depressed and guilty. So I tore my eyes away from his sunny smile, grabbed the bag, and left.
I lingered by the car as I ate, torn between getting in and driving away and staying for the night. If I go, I’ll get a head start on West Virginia. I’ll get the fuck out of here and I’ll finish these stupid tasks and then I can just go home. Home? Who am I kidding. Greenville has never been home. The only home I’ve had is with Toby. Without him I don’t know who I am or where I belong. I’m Toby-less and homeless and a wandering void. Fuck it. I’m staying.
Just one night. And then I’ll get back to this sorry excuse of a life.
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