“What has gotten into you?” Josie pushes me back a second time as I kiss her.
“What? I thought you wanted this?” I kiss her again.
“You’ve been in a weird mood lately.” She holds me back.
“Have not,” I defend myself.
“Ever since we got caught at school you’ve been weird. First, you don’t want anyone to know anything. Then you start flirting with me and holding hands in public. Now you’re attacking me every chance you get. I can’t keep up. You’re giving me whiplash.”
“Shut up and kiss me.” I lean down and kiss her.
She kisses me once, twice, three times before pushing me away again.
“I’m sorry but I can’t. You feel off to me. What’s the big deal why you rushing into everything all of a sudden? Weren’t you the one that said practice restraint?”
“That was then, this is now.” I frown.
“What changed from then to now?”
“Ugh! Can’t you just shut up and kiss me?” I pout.
“Why are you acting like this?” she sits up on my bed and pushes me off.
“Why are you acting like this!? I thought you wanted me, now you don’t? Talk about whiplash.”
“I do want you, but not like this. It feels like you are forcing it.”
She eyes me.
“I’m not,” I say again.
“Then waiting won’t hurt you.”
“Maybe I don’t want to wait anymore.”
“I can do this all day.” She shrugs.
“Whatever, just forget it.” I get off the bed and pull my pants back on.
“Kat, I’m just saying you attacking me first and practically getting naked within the first five minutes isn’t normal behavior for you. My alarm bells and red flags are going haywire. What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I slip my shirt back on.
She grabs me and pulls me back into her arms, forcing me to lay back down with her.
“Talk to me.” She says.
“No.” I huff.
“Are you nervous? Is that what this is? You trying to conquer your fear?”
I sigh and stare off at the wall, refusing to answer.
“You don’t have to be nervous. I’ll take it slow.”
I feel my cheeks heat up.
“Talk to me,” she begs.
“I just want to know. I want to get it over with.” I turn to face her.
“Know if I like girls like I like boys.”
“So you think having sex with me will be this great awakening moment for you?”
“No, I—it’s hard to explain. When I look at girls, I don’t get butterflies or think she’s cute. I just see a girl. But… I don’t know if that’s how I really feel, or if that’s just how I was raised to feel. Nature versus nurture. I want to know if deep down, maybe… maybe I do like girls.”
“There is more to liking a girl than just sex, just like there is more to liking a boy. When you looked at Carson was your first thought, hmm I should have sex with him to find out if I love him?”
“So why is that your first thought with me?”
“I don’t know,” I mumble and cuddle up closer to her.
“Why is this so important to you?”
“I want to feel what you feel. I want to know what it feels like to like a girl.”
“Not much different from liking a boy, why do you want to know?”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I admit.
She quiet for a while after that. Just the sound of our breathing filling the room.
“When I first found out I had a crush on you, my first thought wasn’t I want to kiss her or have sex with her.” She finally says.
“What was it?”
“I thought, she’s pretty. I want to get to know her. I want to be her friend.”
“It was like that with Carson. He helped me up from a bike crash. I thought he was so sweet. I just wanted to be his friend.” I said.
“See, girl and boy crushes are very similar.”
“I’m just trying to understand all of this,” I say.
“I know but rushing into everything won’t solve anything. It will just make you more confused.”
“When you were talking to that girl, I got so jealous. I don’t even know why, but I did. That day was the first time I looked at you and thought you were attractive as more than a friend. I got freaked out.”
“Because I’ve never felt like that for a girl before. When I try to look at other girls like that, I don’t feel anything. Only you.”
“What about boys? You like Carson, but when you look at other boys do you find them attractive all the time?” she challenges.
“Hmm…” I think about it.
“You keep trying to make it these two different things when in reality it’s not. Being attracted to someone is the same situation no matter what gender they are. You’ll find some boys attractive some not, same with girls.”
I hold her tighter and nuzzle my face into her chest.
“I think… I think you’re attractive. And that I like you.” I say after a beat of silence.
I hear her heart rate pick up.
“Thank you, I think that about you too.”
“I still don’t know though. What if I’m wrong? What if I screw up our friendship for good?” I say.
“But what if you don’t?”
“I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper.
“Well, we can just take it slow for now. I can wait a little longer for you to figure this out. Besides, it’s fun teasing you and seeing these cute sides of you.”
“Jerk,” I grumble.
I breathe her in and close my eyes.
“Can I ask you something?” she says softly.
“Emm,” I hum into her.
“Can I take you out on a date?”
“Yeah, like sure we hang out all the time, but we’ve never hung out like that. I would like my chance to be cute and couplely with you.”
“Please,” she begs.
“Fine, but don’t go overboard. I mean it.”
“Now don’t move, I’m comfortable.” I shift to get more comfortable and close my eyes again.
“Can I ask you one more thing?”
“I’m trying to take a nap,” I complain.
“Do you cuddle with him like this?”
“No,” I say immediately.
She hums in delight and snuggles up closer to me.
I end up falling asleep in her arms.
I wake up to her gently brushing the hair out of my face before caressing my cheek. My eyes flutter open and I take a deep breath as I wake up.
“It’s pretty late, I should go.” She says softly.
“Emm, stay,” I hold her tighter.
“Don’t tempt me.” She smirks.
“Stay, my parents are at a conference this weekend. It’s just going to be me here all weekend.”
“In that case,” she rolls on top of me.
I giggle and shove her away.
“I’m hungry,” I sit up.
“I can order pizza,” she offers.
“What’s the catch?” I eye her.
“No catch,” she smiles deviously at me.
“I don’t believe you.” I get up and stretch.
“That hurts Kat,” she holds her heart.
I giggle and roll my eyes.
While Josie orders pizza I go to the bathroom and then head down to the living room, checking my phone for messages. One from Sophie asking what I’m doing. One from Sage saying she’s bored. Two from Carson asking how my nights been and if I want to go for a walk. Before I can respond to anyone Josie comes up behind me and wraps her arms around my shoulders.
Admittedly I am a sucker for obvious signs of affection such as this. It’s one of the reasons why I fell for Bryson. I love it when people wrap their arms around me and claim me as their own.
Josie just has a way of doing it so casually and naturally that it drives me wild.
I felt my face flame up and my body relaxes into her.
“I’m officially declaring this as your weakness.” She says.
“Shut up,” I playfully elbow her.
She kisses me softly on the neck.
I take a shaky breath.
“We’d make a cute couple,” she whispers against my skin.
“What would you do if we were a couple? You should know me by now to know I’m pretty high maintenance.” I tease.
“Nope. You like to act like you are, but all it takes is a little loving and you are mush in my hands.”
“Am not.” I deny.
“Are too, we are the same. Just give me some attention and I’m all yours. The only high maintenance thing about you is that you like to cuddle 24/7 and expensive birthday gifts.”
“Could you afford me?” I tease.
“You’d be surprised.”
“Yeah right,” I roll my eyes.
“I’ll show you!” she starts tickling me.
“Ah! Josie!” I try to run from her but she picks me up and slams me down on the couch.
“Stop!” I shriek in laughter as she tickles me.
She grabs my hands and pins me down to the couch. I smile up at her, mid laughter. She smiles down at me.
“Now what?” I ask.
“Hmm, well I’m sort of in the mood now.”
“Tickles gets you in the mood? That’s weird.” I tease.
“No! Not, ugh!”
“Just kidding,” I smirk.
“It’s not the tickles.” Her face turns bright pink.
“Oh? Then what?”
“I like… Don’t laugh.”
“I like being on top. I like pinning you down and stuff. Like… I like being in control.”
I feel my own cheeks heat up.
“Oh,” I say.
“Now you, I told you mine you have to tell me yours.” She says.
“I…” I avert my gaze feeling the redness spread to my neck. “I like being controlled,” I admit.
“Did I just find my perfect match?” she teases.
“Just shut up! Ugh! You’re so embarrassing!” I try to push her away, but she holds down my wrist firmly.
“What else do you like?” she leans down and kisses my neck.
“I uh…” I moan. “I don’t know. Still, a virgin, remember?”
“Don’t you watch porn?”
“Ew no, do you?”
“They do? No one told me.”
“I don’t do that stuff.”
“That stuff?” she pulls back to raise an eyebrow.
“You know,” I avert my gaze.
She laughs in my face.
“Shut up!” I complain.
“Kat, poor little innocent Kat. You have a lot to learn.” She shakes her head.
“Fuck you,” I pout.
“I’m giving you homework. I want you to watch some porn and figure out what you like.”
“No! That’s weird.”
“How is it weird?”
“I don’t want to watch other people doing it!”
“What kind of stuff do you watch?” I challenge.
“Lots of stuff, but that’s for another day. For now, you have homework. How will you ever know what you like if you don’t research it?”
“I don’t want to,” I pout.
“You’ll do it, or else.”
“Or else?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Or else,” she leans in to whisper in my ear. “I’ll make you go to school wearing no underwear and a skirt.”
My heart skips several beats and my face feels like it’s on fire.
“You wouldn’t,” I say.
“Try me.” She bites down on my ear.
I gasp out loud.
She trails kisses up my cheek to my lips.
I smash my lips against hers and she moans into my mouth. I try to move my hands but she slams them back down on the couch. I whimper into her mouth.
“You get to touch me when I say,” she whispers against my lips.
“Meanie,” I pout.
She latches on to my neck and starts to give me a hickey.
I take a shaky breath and close my eyes.
Before things can get too heated the doorbell rings with the pizza.
Josie pulls back and I lean in for a kiss but she pats me on the head.
“Restraint, start practicing.”
I hate her.