EXT. A SUPERMARKET - AFTERNOON
Loving doctor MADAME SONYA GUMP is arguing with brave swordsman LORD MO TRESCOTHIK. SONYA tries to hug MO but he shakes her off.
SONYAPlease Mo, don't leave me. MO
I'm sorry Sonya, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away. SONYA
I am such a person!
MO frowns.
MOI'm sorry, Sonya. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
MO leaves.
SONYA sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, brave actor MR JOSHUA MCCALLISTER barges in looking flustered.
SONYAGoodness, Joshua! Is everything okay? JOSHUA
I'm afraid not. SONYA
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense... JOSHUA
It's ... a tiger ... I saw an evil tiger vandalise a bunch of elderly gents! SONYA
Defenseless elderly gents? JOSHUA
Yes, defenseless elderly gents! SONYA
Bloomin' heck, Joshua! We've got to do something. JOSHUA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start. SONYA
You can start by telling me where this happened. JOSHUA
I was...
JOSHUA fans himself and begins to wheeze.
SONYAFocus Joshua, focus! Where did it happen? JOSHUA
Hamstead Heath, London! That's right - Hamstead Heath, London!
SONYA springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
SONYA rushes along the street, followed by JOSHUA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
CHANTAL VADER a snooty tiger terrorises two elderly gents.
SONYA, closely followed by JOSHUA, rushes towards CHANTAL, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
JOSHUAWhat is is? What's the matter? SONYA
That's not just any old tiger, that's Chantal Vader! JOSHUA
Who's Chantal Vader? SONYA
Who's Chantal Vader? Who's Chantal Vader? Only the most snooty tiger in the universe! JOSHUA
Blinkin' knickers, Sonya! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most snooty tiger in the universe! SONYA
You can say that again. JOSHUA
Blinkin' knickers, Sonya! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most snooty tiger in the universe! SONYA
I'm going to need guns, lots of guns.
Chantal turns and sees Sonya and Joshua. She grins an evil grin.
CHANTALSonya Gump, we meet again. JOSHUA
You've met? SONYA
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young SONYA is sitting in a park listening to some R & B music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees CHANTAL. She takes off her headphones.
CHANTALWould you like some chocolate?
SONYA's eyes light up, but then he studies CHANTAL more closely, and looks uneasy.
SONYAI don't know, you look kind of snooty. CHANTAL
Me? No. I'm not snooty. I'm the least snooty tiger in the world. SONYA
Wait, you're a tiger?
SONYA runs away, screaming.
INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
CHANTALYou were a coward then, and you are a coward now. JOSHUA
(To SONYA) You ran away? SONYA
(To JOSHUA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
SONYA turns to CHANTAL.
SONYAI may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
SONYA runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
SONYAI mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with guns. CHANTAL
I'm not scared of you. SONYA
You should be.
EXT. VASQUEZ ROCKS, CALIFORNIA - LATER THAT DAY
SONYA and JOSHUA walk around searching for something.
SONYAI feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here. JOSHUA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns. SONYA
You know nothing Joshua McCallister. JOSHUA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, CHANTAL appears, holding a pair of guns.
CHANTALLooking for something? JOSHUA
Crikey, Sonya, she's got your guns. SONYA
Tell me something I don't already know! JOSHUA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km. SONYA
I know that already! JOSHUA
I still wear nappies. CHANTAL
(appalled) Dude!
While CHANTAL is looking at JOSHUA with disgust, SONYA lunges forward and grabs her deadly guns. He wields them, triumphantly.
SONYAPrepare to die, you snooty cauliflower! CHANTAL
No please! All I did was vandalise a bunch of elderly gents!
MO enters, unseen by any of the others.
SONYAI cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Sonya Gump defender of innocent elderly gents. CHANTAL
Don't hurt me! Please! SONYA
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these guns on you right away! CHANTAL
Because Sonya, I am your mother.
SONYA looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
SONYANo you're not! CHANTAL
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
CHANTAL tries to grab the guns but SONYA dodges out of the way.
SONYAWho's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, CHANTAL slumps to the ground.
JOSHUADid she just faint? SONYA
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.
SONYA crouches over CHANTAL's body.
JOSHUABe careful, Sonya. It could be a trick. SONYA
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Chantal Vader is dead! SONYA
What? SONYA
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
JOSHUA claps his hands.
JOSHUASo your guns did save the day, after all.
MO steps forward.
MOIs it true? Did you kill the snooty tiger? SONYA
Mo how long have you been...?
MO puts his arm around SONYA.
MOLong enough. SONYA
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Chantal Vader. MO
Then the elderly gents are safe? SONYA
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived.
MOYou are their hero.
The elderly gents bow to SONYA.
SONYAThere is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Chantal Vader will never vandalise elderly gents ever again, is enough for me. MO
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly gents passes SONYA a tinkling talisman
MOI think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude. SONYA
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
SONYAWell, if you insist.
SONYA takes the talisman.
SONYAThank you.
The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.
SONYA turns to MO.
SONYADoes this mean you want me back? MO
Oh, Sonya, of course I want you back!
SONYA smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
SONYAWell you can't have me. MO
WHAT? SONYA
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a tiger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that. MO
But... SONYA
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Joshua.
JOSHUA grins.
MOBut... JOSHUA
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo! MO
Sonya? SONYA
I'm sorry Mo, but I think you should skidaddle.
MO leaves.
JOSHUA turns to SONYA.
JOSHUADid you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend? SONYA
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly JOSHUA stops.
JOSHUAWhen I said I still wear nappies, you know I was just trying to distract the tiger don't you? THE END
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